Look, for three seasons now we've humored Dexter on his bloody little vigilante campaign to rid the world of murderers, rapists, dine-n'-dashers, and the like. But now he's overstepped the boundaries of serial-killer good taste.
We've felt a special bond with Corey Haim ever since we played a gradeschool extra in his 1985 disease-of-the-week movie A Time to Live. (True story.) We've thrilled to his highs, bummed to his lows, puzzled at some of his more bizarre career decisions, and sat back helplessly as he read aloud the remarks—some supportive, some scathing—left by commenters on this very webspot. So it's with genuine elation that we pass along this breaking news from his website:
And You, And You, And You—You're Gonna Wed Her. Jennifer Hudson was given the greatest gift for her 27th birthday any ascendant American Idol also-ran could ever ask for: an engagement ring from her boyfriend, David Otunga. Like his fiancee, Otunga himself is a notable reality TV runner-up, having been passed over for lifetime studding services by a professional skank on VH1's I Love New York 2. Back then, the world knew him as Punk; but from here on out, it's Mr. That Guy With J-Hud. Congratulations to the happy couple! [AP]
We needed something to bleach the image of Julianna Margulies's privates off our cortex, and what better psychic disinfectant than some exclusive footage from Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's recent nuptials. Both brides look stunning—their vaginas safely stowed away somewhere where guests and hovering helicopters would never see them. We were particularly moved by the moment Ellen first laid eyes on Portia emerging in full hair, makeup, and gown, a sight that could turn even the most ardent of penis-enthusiasts into card-carrying members of the American Association of Lipstick Lesbians. [Ellen]
By all accounts, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi's Saturday wedding was a stunning and intimate affair, the two beautiful brides eliciting audible gasps from the guests as they walked down the aisle, trailed closely behind by Iggy the Flower Dog tossing mouthfuls of white rose petals. Obviously, the world bids these two rapturously-in-love and talented ladies a lifetime of happiness together, though it's interesting to see how those good wishes sometimes play themselves out. For starters, we have CNN's headline on the nuptials, noticed by blogger Chexydecimal, which reads, "Ellen DeGeneres 'marries' Portia Rossi." After complaints were lodged, they pulled the scare quotes—floating there like two chubby, hooked televangelist's fingers—but kept De Rossi's last name wrong. T.R. Knight's internalized, anti-breeder wrath nearly ruins the wedding video, after the jump!At the other end of the spectrum comes a video greeting card from People.com, where Katherine Heigl opens the well-wishes with a thoroughly exasperated, "Marriage...[defeated exhalation] marriage..." Glad you're loving it, Kath! Then, T.R. Knight swoops in to give what could very well be the most depressing congratulatory wedding message in history. He almost cracks a smile near the beginning, then pauses thoughtfully for an uncomfortably long moment before launching into a diatribe about "the anger, and rage, and rage, and sadness" he feels at the many wrongs inflicted by this country upon, presumably, Caucasian males making seven-figures a year such as himself. Thank God Jason Biggs is around to add a little—you know—happiness to the proceedings. This dude loves marriage! And breeding! He's a marriage-loving, breeding machine!
Kiefer OffTheMarketWatch. Reports suspiciously sourced, British-spelling-afflicted celebrity newswsire BANG: "The '24' star, whose divorce from Elizabeth Kelly Winn was finalised last month, is reportedly planning to marry his new girlfriend Siobhan Bonnouvrier. A friend of Kiefer's said: 'Now that Kiefer is finally divorced, everyone is hoping he will marry Siobhan. Kiefer is a changed man and Siobhan is just the right woman for him. She is an amazing woman and has transformed Kiefer in just a few short weeks.'" Congratulations to the hopefully happy couple! [BANG]
Jessica Marie Alba and Cash Garner Warren were married on Monday in the Beverly Hills courthouse's ceremony room in Beverly Hills, California.
· Who can turn the world on with her adorable The Mary Tyler Moore Show set remembrances on Oprah today? Betty White, that's who! [Oprah]
· The C&Ds are flying fast and furious with these photos of Bruno ambushing fellow Austrian Gov. Schwarzenegger, but /Film seems to still have them up as of post time. [/Film]
· David Archuleta's voice coach explains for Utah's Fox news affiliate how the show's producers have systematically rigged it so that David Cook would trample the little shaved-koala's skull in the voting. Also, disconcertingly bedentured producer Nigel Lythgoe told Ryan Seacrest that the "biggest star in the world" would be performing on the finale. OMG! Jesus! We hope he takes the wheel! (Lolz.) [MyFoxUtah, mjsbigblog.com]
· Didn't spend the heat wave on a beach with Jake and Reese, but wish you had? Now you can! [celebrity-gossip.net]
· Loni Anderson married Bob Fleck, a folk singer who would never get any WKRP airplay, in Bel Air yesterday. [AP]
The crowd—which including a wet-eyed de Rossi—instantly lept to their feet and cheered. After a rough year enduring the angry taunts of picketing writers, it's nice to see some harmony and happiness return to the Ellen set, with the only thing whipped at her face as she exits the building being handfuls of rice and blown kisses. All that's left at this point is to hammer out the event details—what is surely to be the most spectacular celebrity wedding of the year, with virtually no expense spared on the brides' custom-tailored tuxshedos and giant, Iggy-shaped ice sculptures.
DING-DONG! DONG-DING! The rainbow-colored smoke has emerged from the chimney atop the California Supreme Court. The Court bells, each recently adorned with a giant portrait of Dave Beckham and Posh Spice, are sounding. For it's official! Same-sex couples in our glorious, seaside state have the right to be wed! We know you have questions, so we went directly to the Defamer special correspondent on Legal Fine Print Accompanying Totally Fabulous Rulings to answer them:
Defamer: So what does this mean?
As we noted several weeks ago, diminutive quick-cash loan company spokesman Gary Coleman has finally given up on playing the ever-dwindling Diff'rent Strokes-groupie field, and settled down with a lovely young lady named Shannon Price. Until now, little was known about the happy couple, save for the fact that Coleman sometimes accidentally launches things at Shannon's head in moments of anger, and that at the age of 40, he is still a technical* virgin. (*A post-wrap-party exploratory session with Dana Plato notwithstanding.) Well, The Today Show set out to correct all that, by squeezing the newlyweds on a couch alongside Al Roker for some get-to-know-the-Colemans time. Enjoy, and while you're at it, have a ball imagining what their kids will wind up looking like, should Gary ever overcome his sex-having issues.
For what to think about Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley's wedding just before Christmas (OK! has the photo exclusive), we turn to the opinionated Livejournal peanut gallery at Oh No They Didn't, never ones to mince their words lest they hurt the bride's feelings on her special day: "he has nice eyelashes." "dress is fug and so is he" "I hate her dress. The ruffles are ugly." "despite the dress she is so beautiful." "MADDD PHOTOSHOP and that dress is HIDEOUS" "Aww!" "what is wrong with that dudes face?" "Hate her guts, but love the dress Also, he looks supes gay" [ONTD]
Wonderful news everyone! In a Super! Duper! People! Alba! Shotgun! Wedding! Exclusive!, the subject of many a pubescent male self-love fantasy has been proposed to by Cash Warren, the man responsible for the expanding baby-bump soon to be defiantly bared on the cover of a fashion glossy. Finally, with Alba officially off the market, casting agents and directors will be able to consider her for the kinds of meaty roles she's long craved, only to see herself passed over for dowdier, less available actresses. [People]
We're struggling to come up with an interesting angle to the Katherine Heigl wedding story, but the best we can do was this detail: "Heigl's 'Grey's Anatomy' co-star T.R. Knight was part of her bridal party." We hope she went for dark-colored bridesmaid dresses—pastels tend to wash out the already fair-skinned actor. [CNN]
Having, like the rest of us, caught wind of a story circulating that Queen Latifah was finally going to make an honest woman out of her longtime personal-training companion, a Sun Times reporter at a junket for The Perfect Holiday gathered the nerve to ask the actress/torch singer/hip-hop architect whether the rumors were true:
While we are romantics at heart, we're typically reluctant to note news about celebrity engagements unless they are triple-flack-confirmed and appear beneath a flashing "EXCLUSIVE!" sign in a reputable news source such as People or Entertainment Tonight. But MediaTakeOut.com seems so convinced that they can hear the faint sound of wedding bells on the horizon for one of Hollywood's most beloved glass closet dwellers, we felt compelled to pass the news along to you:
It's been a long while since the name Brandon Routh—the dashing young man plucked from obscurity to fill Superman's tights in the all-Kryptonian hero's long-awaited and quickly forgotten return to the big screen—has come up. So it was with a measure of genuine delight that we received an e-mail blast entitled, "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT IS EXCLUSIVELY INSIDE THE SECRET WEDDING OF 'SUPERMAN' BRANDON ROUTH," a subject line that effectively teased the many details of the one-movie-long resuméd actor's mystery-enshrouded nuptials therein:
Never one to let a couple butt-rocker mistakes in her past scare her away from true happiness, serial matrimonialist Pamela Anderson has again tied the knot, this time to longtime friend Rick Salomon—best known as the adventuresome protagonist of 1 Night in Paris—in a quickie reception Saturday night in Las Vegas:
Because, like death, Ontario-themed news tends to come in threes, we round out the latest wave of Defamer Canadiana (it began with a girl-on-girl mauling at the Eislers' place in Kingston, then continued today with a Jack Bauer debate on Ottawa's Parliament Hill) with the exciting announcement that The O.C.'s resident yummy mummy, Kelly "Kiki Cohen" Rowan (born in Ottawa!) has netted the northern land mass's most loaded—and by extension desirable—bachelor. From a People.com Canadian! Supermarriage! Exclusive!:
