This is probably the saddest, most American solicitation ever left on Gawker's hotline. But would-be buyers beware: The Streisand sex tape was debunked years ago.

Does the sight of shoe-obsessed, cocktail-swilling, completely unbelievable New York women get you all hot and bothered? Then you'll want to get the new Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw blow-up sex doll. A company called Pipedream Products has created the bizarre sex toy, which is clad in a sequined dress and holds a little martini glass in its hand that will probably rattle sadly, like a rope against a flagpole in high winds, as you mash your genitals into it while lying on the futon in your parents' finished basement. They're only $20! What a steal! After all, "Sarah Jessica Porkher" just "loves sex in her shitty" [NSFW]. How fabulous. [Post via Radar] Somewhat SFW ad for the product after the jump...

Oh my! Johnny Depp, "subversive" entertainer of children, is very likely going to be the next spokesman for Trojan brand prophylactics. Specifically, uhm, the "Magnum" sized line of the gentleman's product that is typically used by sailors. Depp hasn't officially signed on, but as a "source" (hilariously) stated: "He's very interested and he's trying to figure out if he can fit it in." The ad company has a slogan all lined up in the hopes that Capt. Jack Sparrow (a sailor) follows through: "Stand up with Johnny for safer sex." The ribald, off-color advertisements will most likely appear in picture houses during a shore leave. Land lubbers are not expected to be influenced by the ad because, well, that would be like wearing a raincoat in the shower! [Showbiz Spy] After the jump, a saucy video-pamphlet for jimmy hats that was banned from the airwaves.

In a joint report from the departments of Wishful Thinking and No One Actually Cares, US Weekly has cobbled together a wee photo gallery of famous people who have vowed to remain virgins until marriage. You know, like weird Christian people. Who's on the list? Tragically, it begins with Britney Spears, who famously declared her virginity only to hop on Justin Timberlake shortly after. Now if you look up "virgin" in that dictionary of yours, it just says "Not Britney Spears." But who else! Texan singer Jessica Simpson, some model, those doe-eyed rocker boys The Jonas Brothers, and then... Gary Coleman. Yeah I guess he's married and his wife won't bone him. Because, you know, she's in it for the money. Allll those Coleman riches. Sigh (and not in the good way.) [US] After the jump, little old Gary talking about sex. Yay!/Barf

Tilda Swinton is a kinky androgynous weirdo! The Academy Award nominated actress (for Michael Clayton) who starred in the gender-bender Orlando is reportedly in a very open relationship with her husband, playwright John Byrne. Byrne, 67, who is the father of Tilda's twins, has to compete with 29-year-old actor Sandro Kopp for Swinton's affections. The 47-year-old British lass brings Kopp to movie premieres and the like, then takes him back to Byrne's house where they all visit and do very artsy things that I will never understand. [Celebitchy] Orlando clip after the jump.