61-year-old marathon swimmer Diana Nyad cut short her second attempt to swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys about halfway through her planned, 103-mile journey. Her official Twitter feed tells the story:

The most prolific eater of our time, Takeru Kobayashi, owns the world records for eating hot dogs, hamburgers and meat balls. But last night in Brooklyn he failed in his attempt to be the world's greatest pizza eater. What happened?

It's Sunday and it's raining outside. So here's a video of this year's 2010 World YoYo Contest in Orlando, Florida, and the winner of the 1A (One Handed String Trick Division), Canadian Jensen Kimmitt. He won the title yesterday. Dazzling!

The L.A. Lakers won their second consecutive NBA championship, beating the Boston Celtics 83-79.

The only "news" topic Americans really care about any more is: Innovative ways to lose weight and become superhuman athletic "champions," in order to get sex. Alas, we only try to achieve this by scientifically repackaging snack foods. And perfume.

While you were all just hanging out last weekend swimming in a pool and smoking weed, Michael Phelps was being quietly reintroduced as a pitchman for Subway.

Heroic bong-fighting Sheriff Leon Lott, who made Richland County, South Carolina safe from Olympic champion Michael Phelps and his criminal associates, had a little fun down at the ol' Rotary Club yesterday!

We've heard so much about the exploits of fuck-a-chick blogger and filmmaker Tucker Max. What of those only tangentially related to him? Well, a 21-year-old UConn student who called Tucker "MY HERO" was arrested last weekend for "allegedly forcing his way into a sleeping woman's apartment and raping her." Also, Tucker Max's former lawyer is currently getting chewed out on Wikipedia for repeatedly trying to insert his own bio into Tucker's Wikipedia page. This has been your Tucker Max Associate Update.

Human fish made of gold Michael "Maikeer Feierpusi" Phelps took his webbed hands and goofy demeanor on Jay Leno's talk show last night. And gave Jay his best ratings in three months! They discussed the usual trite shit, while NBC raked in even more money from this young swimming freak. What they didn't talk about (Tivo confirms): Michael Phelps' recently documented proclivity for aggressive stripper ass-grabbing. Jay, you're leaving so many more viewers on the table here. [Pics at Radar]

Olympic gold medalist and American hero Michael Phelps never stops training. In this photo you see him strengthening the grip of his championship hands by squeezing the firm, champion buttocks of a dancer at the Las Vegas Playboy Club last night. The picture was snapped by roving Radar nightlife reporter Neel Shah, who selflessly pursued this journalistic scoop in the face of Olympian opposition:

Are you sick of hearing by now how Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day to fuel his superhuman championship swimming for the gold? Too bad dude! Because what has not been adequately discussed by the media is how awesomely all-American Michael Phelps' calories are. He eats McDonalds! And you can follow his championship diet, too! Allow one of our nation's most prominent journalists to tell you all about it: NBC anchor Brian Williams gave Phelps some special McD's dining advice before their recent interview:

Pervy pacing madman and American Apparel CEO Dov Charney was named "Retailer of the Year" at the annual Michael Awards, which are the self-described "Oscars of Fashion." The company was cited for its "progressive business practices and provocative advertising
campaigns." Like this one! The Michael Awards are a benefit for medical disorders, which is very appropriate.