Research chimps living in lab cages in the U.S. are at last going to do what retirees are meant to do: sit in the sun and bicker.

All I needed to know was that Dr. Jane Goodall was available for interviews, and I was there, even if it was only for 10 minutes, even if it was in the Midtown Buca di Beppo.

Las Vegas had a weird morning Thursday, as two chimps magically appeared from nowhere to run across busy highways.

Charla Nash, who had her face and hands ripped off by her neighbor's chimpanzee in 2009 revealed her new face on the Today show today. For a woman who was mauled by an animal, she looks pretty damn good.

If you've ever wondered what TV would be like if Planet of the Apes really happened? Maybe it would have looked something like this nonsensical video.

The recently-unveiled Nao robot, seen here demonstrating its superior dance skills, is the first robot in the world that can "develop and display emotions"—including sadness, happiness, fright, and, hopefully, guilt, which could prevent it from killing us all.

A decade-long study of chimpanzees in Uganda appears to show that chimps wage war and annex territory, assembling into patrols and killing chimpanzees from other groups. On the other hand, baby chimps are really cute.

Watch this chip careen around a park on a Segway chased by a man in a matching outfit.

In this preview clip, BBC America took what was probably the most usable minute of footage and slapped it into their preview. And in exactly zero of these shots did the chimps think to use a tripod, focus the lens, or even take some quick establishing shots. Instead it just looks like a Michael Bay movie.

Is it any wonder that fewer Americans declare themselves "religious" when the chimps are stockpiling weapons?

Sandra Herold, owner of Travis the chimp (Travis ripped a woman's face off after writing the stimulus bill), went on The Today Show because it seemed like a great idea in her current mental state.

Is this the end of monkey ads? The nonprofit Ad Council—which makes all those famous public service ads you see everywhere—has agreed not to use any more "great apes" in its ads. No chimpanzees or orangutans! Not only that, but the CEOs of dozens of major advertisers and ad agencies sit on the Ad Council's board, and PETA is promising to urge all of them to stop with the ape ads, too. Kiss your precious CareerBuilder monkeys goodbye!

I am deeply concerned that my weekday colleagues are now in league with the monkey threat to civilization, as they conveniently ignored this disturbing report of chimps easily disarming humans in order-I am certain-to stock their burgeoning monkey army with firearms. "A chimp in Japan escaped the sweltering confines of his cage, and a zookeeper with a tranquilizer gun proved no match for this feisty animal. The zookeeper can be seen peeking his head and rifle over the ledge of the roof on which the chimp was resting before quickly crouching down, sensing the chimp had noticed him. The chimp pounced on the ledge, grabbing the barrel of the zookeeper's tranquilizer gun and snatching it away, leaving the poor human defenseless. Score one for the apes." Score one indeed. Terrifying video after the jump.

Former O.C. and current Jumper actress Rachel Bilson is complaining in Nylon about the chimp dressed as a Santa for website College Humor's last Christmas party: "Maybe I overreacted because I was too tired, but it made me so mad! All these people were drunk and taking pictures, and it was horrible!" It was a pretty white-trashy stunt, but it's hard to come up with new ways to throw money around sometimes. A December Page Six item says that Bilson actually "jumped the half-hour line" to get her picture taken with the chimp, but College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen says, "She didn't cut the line. She and her friend were leaving the party, so i brought them to the front of the line for a quick look. She was really nice to everybody." The chimp, who goes by the name of Louie, was unavailable for comment. Update! Louie's latest career move &mdash starring in a Human Giant comedy video &mdash after the jump! He is hilar.