Chipotle offers four ways to consume its product: burrito, burrito bowl, taco, and salad. Instead, I recommend a fifth way.

Chipotle, the beloved fast-casual burrito chain that is now cooking its steak to the consistency of meatballs to ward off more food contamination lawsuits, finds itself in legal hot water once more.

Chipotle is closed this afternoon because the company gave a bunch of people E. coli and now must make a grand public showing of how serious they are about not poisoning us. As part of this savvy public relations gambit, the company announced today that we’re all entitled to a free burrito. In return, Chipotle only wants one thing.

Do you still eat at Chipotle? Even after various outbreaks of E. Coli, salmonella, and norovirus swept across its North American locations? If your answer is yes, you must be a very dedicated Chipotle consumer. Which is why you may want to plan ahead for February 8, when every Chipotle restaurant will close for several hours so that its executives can address food safety concerns with staff. A spokesperson for the Denver-cased fast casual chain discussed the plan with Oregonian reporter Lynn Terry:

Chipotle, the chain Mexican restaurant that proudly boasts a menu of food “with integrity,” and in several instances, “with E. coli,” has a new affliction to fight off: A lawsuit alleging the company defrauded its investors with regard to its food safety, or lack thereof.

A terrible year for Chipotle just got worse, with the announcement of a federal criminal investigation into the Mexican chain’s norovirus-laced burrito death bars.

A deleted post to a private Baltimore neighborhood Facebook group details an exchange between two uniformed BPD cops and employees at a Chipotle in which the employees, on seeing the police, raised their hands and yelled “hands up, don’t shoot,” mimicking anti-police brutality protests across the country.

Once again, Chipotle is just plain-out refusing to take down its signature diarrhea-inducing burrito—a menu item that is as unpleasant as it is unpopular.

Chipotle’s signature Halloween “Boorito” came with an extra-scary addition this holiday season: pathogenic strains of E. coli, a bacterium that can be fatal in some cases.

They say Chipotle is fattening, but not if it’s killing you from the inside—how lucky for Mexican food-loving Minnesotans!

Here’s the thing about nature: It will fuck up your shit.

If you're not fat already, you could soon wind up fat because of Chipotle. Data published by the New York Times shows that we're all eating a shit-ton of delicious and reasonably priced calories and salt in the form of organic carnitas and guacamole. Great! Just great!

Chipotle Mexican Grill's Twitter account was hacked last night. The hackers changed the avatar to a Nazi swastika and sent a number of racist and otherwise offensive tweets.

Half-chicken half-pork Mexican chain Chipotle has apologized to the New York Police Department for "a wayward employee who mocked officers," an "employee's anti-cop protest," or "a worker's 'hands up, don't shoot' protest," depending on where you get your news.

Earlier this week, we asked our readers for any information about Chipotle’s “Cultivating Thought” campaign—namely, how much dough the chain restaurant is offering famous authors to write the (extremely) short stories that appear on Chipotle cups and bags. Our readers delivered a few theories, and at least two plausible numbers.

Over the weekend, the New York Times highlighted Chipotle’s recent decision to print (very) short stories by famous writers on its paper cups and take-out bags. Called “Cultivating Thought,” the campaign is the brainchild of Brooklyn novelist Jonathan Safran Foer, who approached the fast-casual Mexican grill chain after visiting one of its establishments earlier this year. Toni Morrison and Malcolm Gladwell have signed on. So let’s ask what New York’s literary milieu have wondered about: How much is Chipotle paying?

A family dining at a Midwest Chipotle location discovered that the restaurant's bathrooms didn't come equipped with baby-changing tables, so they decided to swap out their 1-year-old's soiled diaper right there on the dining room table. After a manager asked them to take it to their car instead, the father sent the restaurant a letter of complaint.

A Chipotle restaurant in State College, PA, near Penn State University, has closed unexpectedly, because the workers were like, "fuck this job."

The slightly-dotty-but-kind grandmother who inhabits the lithe, nubile body of 24-year-old Taylor Swift is up to her old tricks again. What's she gone and done now? Pulled $90 out of her pocketbook and given it to a stranger who didn't even ask for it, is all. Thanks for the money, Nana. Got any peppermints?

A lot of you have been eating Chipotle lately. Lots. The fast-casual burrito chain posted a 26 percent hike in second quarter profits and same-store sales (or locations open at least a year) are up 17.3 percent. And that was after the first price hike at the company in three years. But who is buying all that Chipotle? Millennials, says founder Steve Ells.