Ha ha, Atlantic blogger accuses the GOP of resurrecting scare tactics from the era of Joycelyn Elders teaching masturbation to preschoolers by resurrecting the era of Christina Aguilera's nine clit piercings. [Atlantic]

It's pretty much been an all-VMA recap kind of day here at Defamer HQ. Not only have we caught you up on our red carpet conversations with Brooke Hogan, Robert Pattinson and Brett Ratner, but we've also given you nearly 24 hours to digest all the goings-on from last night's event. All of which leads us into tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's, where Molls deconstructs some of the evening's high points (namely, T.I.'s LACMA worthy performance) and head-scratchers (why why WHY did X-Tina choose to lip sync?). Enjoy!· Rob Giles at Molly Malones. · Warner Drive at the Key Club. · The Art of War at the Norton Simon Museum. · Jedi Training at Disneyland.

• The federal probe into what exactly caused Heath Ledger's death has officially been closed. Which means Mary-Kate Olsen is off the hook, will not have to testify, and can return to her normal (or not-so-normal) life. [NYDN]

The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a "top secret" modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he's no Annie Leibovitz, and it's unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore's old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi's successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame:

There’s no shortage of sleazy surprises in the world of baby picture pimping. Today, TMZ reports that soon-to-be-dad Matthew McConaughey and his model girlfriend Camila Alves have hired an actual agent to auction off photos of their upcoming newborn’s visage to the major glossies. And the “brand agent” in question, Todd Shemarya, has quite a record — he’s the man behind Brangelina’s record-setting deal with People, and Christina Aguilera’s far less pricey cover with the same weekly. As disturbed as we are that such a man exists, we’re more saddened to learn that former nude bongo player and hairy beach hippie McConaughey would cash in on his first kid. We're actually starting to miss the hobo doing push-ups outside a trailer we'd grown accustomed to. Then again, the $1MM that he's reportedly been offered by three separate spawn-obsessed mags can buy a lot of t-shirts. [TMZ]

Madonna can pretty much do whatever she wants at this point and the world will shrug its shoulders, whether she's assaulting Justin Timberlake with needles or spreading her soon-to-be-50-year old legs on album covers. But the vocally-challenged icon has taken her recent trip down memory lane as a pansexual nympho to new heights by inviting a female fan on stage during her concert last night and pulling a repeat performance of Madonna And Britney Spit Swap. Why? As she put it, "Why do I have this relationship with France? I'm always drawn to working with French people - and frenching French people...Vive la France!" A closer look at the kiss step by step, plus suddenly gorgeous daughter Lourdes' reaction, after the jump.

Say what you will about Nicole Richie, but the bitch has good return on investment. People magazine snagged pictures of her "perfect" baby at the discounted rate of $1 million. The little bundle of joy is on track to sell 1.8 million copies. Christina Aguilera, who sold pictures of her precious angel Max for $1.5 million, sold only an estimated 1.3 million copies. Guess that settles whose baby is loved more.

With hot-headed debates regarding the sales of (People! Exclusive!!) Christina Aguilera's baby blabber cover story in January versus (People! Exclusive!!) Nicole Richie's baby blabber cover last week, the chattering newsies are heatedly trying to get to the bottom of a quasi-intellectual argument about fame and newsstand sales. According to an MSNBC source, the Richie issue "sold more than 1.8 million copies...whereas Aguilera's has sold far less." But why the greater public interest in the ostensibly careerless Richie, as opposed to the Grammy award-winning Aguilera? Apparently, weekly readers like them some knocked up druggies and the weeklies know it:

Busty blonde belter Christina Aguilera will let you know when she's irrationally angry at you. By firing you. That's what she did to her PR people, manager, and assistant when the issue of People magazine that featured her and her new baby on the cover did not sell well. What exactly do these people have to do with magazine sales (especially the assistant)? Wasn't it their job to get her on the cover, not sell the magazine? They even managed to get a her a mind-boggling $1.5 million for the shoot, which is way above industry standard. Oh Christina! You so crazy. But, what can we do? A girl wants what a girl wants. [Crazy Days and Nights]

Here are the first pictures of Baby Max, newborn son of singer, Christina Aguilera. Awww, isn't he cute? And he'd better be: People, part of Time Inc.'s struggling magazine group, outbid checkbook-wielding OK! for the photos. The price: an budget-busting $1.5m, we hear. So buy the magazine, or Max will be the last alpha offspring you ever see. (Read here why there's been such inflation in the price of celebrity baby snaps.)

More than ever, that's the answer. Time Inc's People Magazine has secured the first pictures of Nicole Richie's baby, Harlow. The winning bid: $1m, according to someone who participated in the auction. Which is a useful sum for the anorexic former reality star, daughter of singer Lionel Richie. "This is probably Nicole Richie's only paycheck for all of 2008," says the source. Richie's take is impressive, but not as rich a price as that being offered for first photographic evidence of the baby boy born to Christina Aguilera, the singer, earlier this month. We hear that bidding between People and OK! Magazine, which bid $1m earlier this month, has now reached $1.5m. So what economic rationale can there be for such inflation in the cost of baby pictures?

The Daily Mail just ran this photo of trashy chanteuse Christina Aguilera in Santa Monica, California and uh, she's pregnant!Very pregnant! Also, she's yellow. Also, that dress is really really really really short. And bonus also, can anyone think of a former Mouseketeer who was a good parent?

· Did Dancing with the Stars champ Helio Castroneves announce that he's newly single before he took his victory lap on The View? Because we want to know if we should read the crackling sexual tension between him and Barbara Walters as the forbidden or out-in-the-open, headed-to-her- dressing-room-at-the-commercial-break kind. (We know! And with the dance partner he may or may not be diddling sitting right there! Shameless.)
· Meanwhile, all former Dancing contestants and their guests were treated to complimentary face paralysis at the finale's afterparty.
· The writers strike seems to have cost Chevy Chase a regular gig on SNL's Weekend Update desk.
· Remember when posing semi-clothed on a magazine cover while pregnant was kind of a novel thing?

• Christina Aguilera is going to have twins, possibly! [R&M, 2nd item]
  

We had sensibly assumed the respiratory infection that struck down Christina Aguilera — forcing her to cancel her Australian concert dates — came from screeching those high notes prior to a parade of all-night, stress-relieving tour-bus orgies. But apparently we've been short-sighted, forgetting God's distaste for Louboutins, blondes, and wanton displays of sexuality the likes of which would make Satan pump his claws in triumph. Says the Baptists For Brownback blog:

• Christina Aguilera might be enceinte! Her theoretical zygote can have playdates with Nicole Richie's maybe-fetus! [Page Six]
  

The date: June 8th 2007

The place: 147 Mercer Street

Sighted: Christina Aguilera and her husband walking out of the Mercer Hotel. She got right into a limo waiting outside and left her husband to put her stuff in the trunk. He is clearly her bitch.

In the end, all that time Ryan Seacrest exposed himself to the dangers of potential electrocution by engaging in an hours-long, open-mouth kiss with one of the Times Square ball's empty light bulb sockets was not spent in vain, as the New Year's Rockin' Eve host saw his wish granted of putting his freshly sharpened smooching skills to good use on Christina Aguilera shortly after midnight. Aguilera awkwardly swiveled her head away at the last moment, however, leaving Seacrest with nothing but a wall of bronzed cheek upon which to lay his big, wet one—perhaps to not muss her makeup, or simply to avoid coming into direct contact with Seacrest's well-documented, flexed-sphincter style of lip-lock.

• Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills, have announced that they're getting divorced after a whopping 4 years. Naturally, the media is to blame, having made it difficult for the couple to maintain a "normal" relationship. Way to make us into Yoko. [Reuters]
• Conversely, Nicole Kidman finally confirms that she and Keith Urban are engaged. In her second shot at marriage, Kidman will presumably get laid. [People]
• In the June issue of GQ, Christina Aguilera tells of an unpleasant interaction with a drunken Mariah Carey. Aguilera's sympathetic, though — she knows Carey's all doped up. [Page Six]
• The Oakland A's lose to the Yankees because of a waitress named Charity, who got Nick Swisher and Joe Blanton sufficiently wasted at Plumm the night before the game. [R&M]
• Denis Leary tells Elle that he'd rather shoot himself in the head than sleep with another man. That's fine — Chelsea doesn't need you anyhow! [Lowdown (last item)]
• OK: Keith Richards is fucking amazing. After a brain hemorrhage, he rebounds enough to resume touring with the Rolling Stones. Nothing can kill this man. [Page Six]

Number of "Readings" (short articles at the front of the magazine): 11
Number of Readings that are verbatim excerpts from publicly available documents, speeches, or instruction manuals: 7
Number of Readings that are verbatim excerpts from publicly available documents, speeches, or instruction manuals generated by the government: 6
Number of readings that are taken verbatim from Internet chats, email forwards, or websites: 1
Number of dead European white men mentioned in editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" editorial: 4
Number of references to European cities in editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" editorial: 7
Number of references to American cities in editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" editorial: 4
Number of references to non-American non-European cities in editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" editorial: 0
Number of times Voltaire is mentioned in editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" editorial: 2
Number of times editor Lewis Lapham uses "Christina Aguilera" and "orgasm" in the same sentence: 1