Facing jail time and total career implosion, Lindsay does that which she does best: her hair. Christina Aguilera admits her new songs suck, and cancels her tour. Ellen DeGeneres signs Greyson Chance. Wednesday gossip is cutting its losses.

During an interview about her upcoming album Bionic, a reporter coughed and Christina (who looks good!) interrupted her sentence to voice her displeasure before playing it off as a joke. What an amateur: Naomi Campbell would have clocked the guy.

This is one of those videos that makes you laugh uncontrollably, yet you're not quite sure why. Here, Beyoncé sits with Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Rihanna as they go through their Number Ones—until an uninvited guest interrupts.

Are you a member of "Gen Mix?" Are you 25-34? Do you "acquire your sense of optimism and self-confidence from Millennials, and your strong sense of self and security from Gen Xers?" VH1 has a new line-up just for you.

Between Jesse's epic custody battle and this, they've had a tumultuous year. Lindsay Lohan parties with Mischa Barton, whose ex calls her a plus-sized heifer. Two public make-outs. One scorched-earth email. Five Jesse James mistresses. TGIFriday gossip.

• This is going to come as a big shock to you, we're sure, but it seems Alex Rodriguez has been hooking up with several women since splitting up with Kate Hudson. A-Rod also "keeps bragging that Madonna is still texting him all the time," although for Madonna's sake, let's hope that isn't true. [P6]
• Angelina Jolie has been dropped as the face of the clothing brand St. John in favor of red-headed model (and the wife of Jack White) Karen Elson. Why the change? It seems St. John concluded that Jolie was too famous and had "overshadowed the brand." [NYDN]
• Related: Did Brad Pitt deal weed in college? No, but he kind of looks like he may have what with that scraggly beard he's been sporting recently. [NYP]
• Usher had more than $1 million in jewelry, furs, and electronics stolen from his SUV in mid-December. Exactly why he had all this stuff stored in his car of all places—and why he only noticed now—is unclear. [TMZ]
• Tila Tequila was set to be interviewed on Larry King Live, but CNN yanked the "Casey Johnson tribute" at the last minute. Did the network realize giving a mentally-ill publicity addict was a bad idea? (Unlikely; the Balloon Boy dad was a guest the other night.) Maybe CNN worried about getting sued? Who knows, but you can always go to Twitter (where she's tweeted about Johnson's death more than 160 times over the past week), or go to People's website for your "Tila Tequila exclusive interview," if you must. [TMZ, E!, People]

• Brittany Murphy's funeral has been scheduled for tomorrow, Christmas Eve. In other Brittany news, her super-sketchy husband Simon Monjack, who indicated initially that he didn't want an autopsy to be performed on Murphy, now says he wants to know exactly what caused her death, although he also says he's sure it didn't have anything to do with her having a drug problem or eating disorder of any kind; the coroner in LA is completely baffled how information about Murphy's giant cache of prescription drugs made its way to TMZ and says he's planning a full investigation; and in what may be the most twisted development of the day, it seems Murphy's LA home has already been added to a "Haunted Hollywood" tour.
• Poor Mischa Barton. She showed up at the Whole Foods in Soho with her Shih-Pom, Ziggy, and was then informed that the store doesn't permit dogs inside, even those that happen to belong to semi-famous people. [NYDN]
• Steven Tyler of Aerosmith says he's been addicted to painkillers for years and is now heading to rehab. [People]

In Dubai, Carrie and the girls flout their steepest recession yet. Dr. Conrad Murray films a show, Brittany Murphy could cry out of one eye at a time on command, Carrie Underwood flaunts her engagement ring. Wednesday gossip is decadent.

Katie Holmes, actress and Bride of Scientology, turns 31 today. Hard-charging hedge fund manager Dan Loeb is turning 48. Brad Pitt turns 46. Steven Spielberg is turning 63. Christina Aguilera is celebrating her 29th birthday today. Dan Klores, the publicist turned documentary filmmaker, is marking his 60th. The head of the American Federation of Teachers, Randi Weingarten, is 52. Memorial Sloan-Kettering president (and Nobel Prize winner) Harold Varmus is turning 70. Troubled rapper DMX is 39. Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is 66. Ray Liotta is turning 55. Model agency owner Faith Kates is 52. And former Miss USA Tara Conner is turning 24 today. A bunch of weekend birthdays is below.

He loves her so much he cast her in his next movie. Rosie O'Donnel's weird date, Courtney Love in a strip club, and Zac Efron thinks stars are famous. This is the 11:26 Gossip train to New Haven. All aboard!

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make an outfit for a pop star, the delusion she wants to look like Cleveland's worst drag queen. The vision to reward talent, the delusion that it matters.

As someone old enough to know who Bob Mackie is, I must say: I find live blogging to be rejuvenating: As you waste hours of your life doing it, you can take years off it at the same time!

• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]

There's a gay Perfect Storm afoot that oughta be a rabble rouser. Also in news: the Friends kids keep on truckin', a live-action sorta Clone High is kicking into gear, and Jessica Simpson has terrible news.

• The City debuts tonight on MTV! New York has details on the goings-on behind the scenes and what Olivia Palermo is hoping to gain from the spotlight: "Like, maybe I'll start a jewelry line,” [NYM]
• Is Christina Aguilera planning to design a collection for Topshop? [Mirror]
• With holiday sales the worst in 40 years, analysts are predicting 73,000 stores may close in the first half of 2009. [Bloomberg]
• Erin Fetherston may have a hotel project in the works. [HC]
• Tom Ford and Judith Leiber have new Rodeo Drive stores planned. [WWD]
• Chanel is cutting 200 jobs. [Guardian]
• The new parent company of Bill Blass says it's planning to revive the brand's high-end collection within "9 to 12 months." [WSJ]
• Dov Charney's American Apparel has another legal mess on its hands. [WWD]

Happy belated 28th birthday to Christina Aguilera, who celebrated last night as any young lady her age might: By hosting a classy Clockwork Orange-themed party at Mozza.

This isn't an easy time for Dan Loeb. (The billionaire hedge funder was forced to start renting his Gulfstream jet by the hour recently.) But hopefully he'll get a chance to enjoy the big day: He turns 47 today. Others celebrating: Katie Holmes is turning 30. Brad Pitt is 45. Steven Spielberg is 62. Christina Aguilera is turning 28. PR guru/filmmaker Dan Klores is 59. Randi Weingarten is 51. Memorial Sloan-Kettering chief (and Nobel Prize winner) Harold Varmus is turning 69. Keith Richards is turning 65. Model agency owner Faith Kates is turning 51. Ray Liotta is 54. Former Miss USA Tara Conner is 23. And troublemaking rapper DMX is turning 38.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson getting on the subway at Spring Street ... Kate Beckinsale smoking on the sidewalk in SoHo ... Naomi Watts shopping at Whole Foods on Houston Street ... Naomi Campbell leaving her hotel ... John Legend walking around town ... Beyonce talking on her phone at JFK ... Penn Badgley and Blake Lively under an umbrella on the set of Gossip Girl ... Christina Aguilera getting into an SUV with son Max ... Joshua Jackson on the set of Fringe ... Aretha Franklin arriving at her Midtown hotel ... The Who's Roger Daltrey going for a walk ... Marion Cotillard and Guillaume Canet crossing the street ... Katie Holmes coming back at her East Village apartment after a matinee performance on Broadway ... and Sarah Jessica Parker taking son James to school.

Jessica Simpson heading out on the town after an event at Macy's ... Martin Scorsese outside the Waverly Inn ... Matthew Broderick walking in the Village with son James ... Keira Knightley and Guillaume Canet kissing on the set of their new movie in the Meatpacking District ... Katie Holmes holding an umbrella outside her East Village building ... Pink, Nick Carter, and A.J. McLean posing outside MTV ... America Ferrera and Becki Newton on the set of Ugly Betty ... Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman leaving their hotel ... Mandy Moore standing outside the Waverly Inn ... Marcia Cross posing for photos outside the Letterman show ... Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson arriving at JFK, then leaving Citrine after a night of partying.

♦ Are Madonna and Guy Ritchie really divorcing? It might be another rumor or really a Sun exclusive, but the British tabloid says they plan to announce the split as soon as today. [The Sun]
♦ Christie Brinkley is suing Peter Cook for violating the couple's confidentiality agreement by talking about their relationship on 20/20. [NYP]
♦ The "mystery illness" that's caused Janet Jackson to cancel tour dates is supposedly a vestibular migraine, which "induces the sensation of vertigo." The good news is that now she's apparently cured. [ET]
♦ Raffaello Follieri's lawyers yesterday asked a judge to "go easy" on Raffaello in exchange for his quick return to Italy where he'll "never be heard from again." Ha! [NYDN]
♦ The 40-year-old CEO of a company called Future Tech Enterprise on Long Island is actually paying $20,000 to box Michael Lohan. And Stephen Baldwin is now planning to serve as the match judge. [Newsday via NYO]