[Matt Susser carries a Christmas tree into Mary O's bar on Avenue A in the East Village today. Image via Getty]

It will never end. The Muppets were there when you were born. They will be there when you die. And as long as they exist (forever), they will re-create any and every socially relevant song that ever existed.

In the United States, the "War on Christmas" is a weird fantasy in which people pretend that the mere acknowledgment of other religious/ethnic traditions is an attack on Christianity/American Values. In Israel, though, the War on Christmas is real.

Got a non-white person on your Christmas list? Know nothing about him/her other than his/her race? For racist grannies who maybe feel funny about their adopted Chinese grandkids, The New York Times offers a very special "Of Color" gift guide.

Kristen Wiig is a comic genius. So our hearts went pitter-patter when we learned she was getting an entire Saturday Night Live primetime Christmas special. But then: of course the NBC suits picked her most annoying, only unfunny character.

Christmas is coming, so it won't be long before you're walking barefoot through spilled soda and children's vomit at a security checkpoint in some godforsaken airport. Fortunately, the TSA has leaked a sensitive document explaining how to avoid all that.

The annual Heathen War on Christmas is in full swing. Sexxxy cat woman Andrea Peyser has identified the key perpetrators: "Lawyers & jerks." But Andrea Peyser has also found Christian Christmas' savior: some shouty little kid.

Ho ho ho! How can we ruin your Christmas today? I know: a public service campaign that instructs men to purchase pap smears for their special women as holiday gifts.

You thought the foreign agent that'd attempt to bring down American would be named something more discreet (or cooler) than "Mister Squiggles," didn't you? Hence, the ingenious of it all. Mister Squiggles is here, and he wants to destroy us.

[This elf, found on 88th Street and Second Ave, may not be murdered. He might have just taken one too many of Santa's little helpers. Image by Jillian Babcock]

Hallmark writers are staying off welfare this Christmas by writing cards bearing recession-ized slogans like "This wasn't the year that any of us had hoped for." GEE THANKS. I think we can do better than that.

You should probably read the incredible summaries posted by those who witnessed this bizarre celebration of one man's incredibly dysfunctional self-regard. The basic story: Glenn Beck is "Eddie," and he is poor, and his mom makes him a sweater, and then he kills his mom with ingratitude, and then he cries on the floor while a black woman sings at him, and then he runs through a cornfield during a storm, and his mom comes back to life. And then Glenn Beck, who is no longer Eddie, explains that the capitalists at Simon and Schuster forced him to write that terrible dream ending, and in reality, he did kill his real-life mom with ingratitude.

[President Barack Obama gets some help from his first ladies, Sasha, Malia, and Michelle, when lighting the national Christmas tree in D.C. today. Image via AP]

[The network trotted out big guns Rob Thomas, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Zach Levi, Jane Krakowski, Michael Buble, and another selection from Aretha Franklin's curious hat collection for the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting ceremony last night. Image via Getty]

From the man who brought you My Son is Gay and The Phone Call, we celebrate John Robert's holiday-themed classic. Watch and laugh.

"For Christ's Sake," ha: Secular Thanksgiving is over, which means it's time for the Atheist War on Christmas to begin anew.

You don't think so? Then why else would he schedule his presidential address about Afghanistan during the scheduled broadcast for a beloved American holiday institution like A Charlie Brown Christmas. Hmm?

Barneys creative director, fashion guru, window dresser extraordinaire, and author Simon Doonan has been tapped by the Obamas to decorate the White House for the holidays. Best Christmas in DC ever? Quite possibly! Provided he steers clear of blood spatter this time around, that is! [NYT]

You think that the animated holiday specials we all grew up with were just teaching you about Santa and presents and winter wonderlands? You're wrong! They were sending you hidden signals both excellent and devious. Here is the ugly truth.