Tomorrow night, a TV ratings battle for the ages. Two dogs, on two different networks, will attempt to save Christmas. In doing so, they will demonstrate the completely brainsucking, disturbingly palpable lack of originality in television programming. New lows, ahead.

Goldman Sachs bankers are going to be out buying new Porsches and weekend homes in East Hampton just as soon as they collect their record year-end bonuses. But that's not what the rest of us are going to be getting this holiday season, at least according to Goldman Sachs. The firm's retail analysts say that most Americans—the ones that aren't getting seven-figure sums in a few weeks—should expect to see lots of crummy sweaters under the tree this Christmas. Thanks for rubbing it in, guys. [WSJ/Marketbeat]

A museum in Cologne, Germany, has a chilling exhibit on Nazi efforts to remove Christ from Christmas and replace Santa with a Norse god. Expect Glenn Beck to start talking about other people who hate Christmas in about six hours.

They're back, baby! After killing six magazines and banishing hundreds to the unemployment line, Condé Nast has decided to go through with its annual holiday fete.

Christmas canceled: Santa Claus gets 20 years for sex crimes.

Si Newhouse (pictured, above) canceled Conde Nast's famous Christmas lunch for the second year in a row, and then—uh oh—then he hired a crisis management flack. Did Details dump toxic waste in Peru?

If your doorman or hair stylist look a little grumpy today, it may because they just found out that in lieu of the cash they normally receive from you for Christmas, they're going to be getting a jar of homemade jam instead. According to a new poll, 26 percent of Americans say they planned to spend less on tips than they did last year, although some said they planned to make up the difference (or try to, at least!) by distributing homemade gifts and foodstuffs. [Consumer Reports, Reuters]

According to the executive outplacement firm Challenger Gray & Christmas, just 62 percent of companies nationwide are planning a holiday party this year, down from 77 percent last year and 90 percent back in 2007. Before you turn too despondent, you may want to note that it's possible you are having a holiday party but you just don't know it's a holiday party because it's been renamed. "I've had some clients call them end-of-year appreciation or thank-you parties," says the catering director for a Midtown hotel. [Crain's]

The Way We Live Now: Beneath the weight of a solid gold world. We're so wealthy that we are literally throwing money away. At least, those of us who aren't living in our cars. The point is, kill Christmas!

Bob Dylan's much-anticipated Christmas album is out. And — huzzah — it doesn't sound horrible. Still, you can't help but imagine Dylan as a drunken interloper who stumbled into choir rehearsal at a prim suburban church.

Here's the cover to Bob Dylan's forthcoming Christmas album. Proceeds go to charity; as Vulture notes, this lends hope the project won't be commercially corrupted and critically panned. We still wish the sleigh driver had a harmonica holder or something.

Bob Dylan has been recording a Christmas album featuring songs like "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Here Comes Santa Claus," according to two websites. His career trajectory does seem about at that regrettable stage. The precedents are sad.

The Way We Live Now: With bells on. Jingle bells. Sweaty, stank jingle bells. They get that way when you wear em in July. But the economy demands Christmas shopping now. I want a hideous Jeff Koons diamond sculpture, Santa!

We understand you're super busy and all, but it's March 16th, Mayor Bloomberg. Christmas was nearly three months ago! Would it be too much to ask that you retire the mini-Christmas trees, pine cones, and red branches outside your East 79th Street townhouse and replace them with something more seasonal? Spring will arrive in just 96 hours! Below, a few more photos of the mayor's rather dated display along with further evidence that he really did gobble up four of the six apartments in the townhouse next door: His tired decorations are in front of that building, too.

A picture is emerging of Santa-clad death sprayer Bruce Jeffrey Pardo's sorry life: a brain-damaged son he abandoned as a toddler, a beloved dog he lost in a divorce, and a murder plan gone awry.

Even Christmas was a disappointment this year. Can we move on to 2009 already? This week, it was the holi-daze!

It's amusing to watch retailers squirm and cry about disappointing holiday sales. What part of "we don't have money" don't they understand? That's what happens when you balance an economy on consumerism and debt!

Anything homemade or stolen, as predicted? Anything howlingly inappropriate? Did people totally cheap out this year and use the economy as an excuse?

That's it from us today. We're taking tomorrow off and will be back up and running on Friday. Have a wonderful Christmas/Fourth Fifth Day of Hannukah/Thursday.

Holiday cards seem to be a little less popular now that being eco-friendly is so trendy, you can just as easily email your seasonal greetings, and these days there aren't quite as many people interested in spending $2,000 engraving their names on cards that will be tossed into the trash precisely 30 seconds after they're removed from their envelopes. But the practice lives on, especially with certain couples who'd like to maintain some semblance of a healthy marriage, and disgraced public figures who'd really like everyone to know they're still alive and well and keeping a stiff upper lip. After the jump, a random collection of cards sent out this year by a bunch of celebrities, politicians, and the odd porn magnate.