Oh no! Bad things are happening to the already trod-upon desolate dead-eyed employees of the mighty Hearst Company! The magazine business sucks, and the economy's cratering, and CosmoGirl closed, so Hearst has decided that this year there will be no Hearst Christmas Party. Ye gods! Last year the party already moved from Tavern on the Green to their office (it's a big fancy brand-new office, but still), who knew there was yet more indignity to be suffered. This is a bad sign, for America. Now we are officially in another depression. Surely William Randolph Hearst threw opulent Christmas parties during the Great Depression, right? (Well, the Depression saw Hearst lose control of his company and sell off many of his vast and glorious treasures. But he still threw parties dammit.) This Depression must be even Greater! It's official! The only chance Hearst has of making it through the coming dark times is to gin up support for a foreign war, probably. Can we get Marie Claire to work on the Spanish threat, people? The fate Christmas itself hangs in the balance!

Who's ready for Christmas? The answer is: you, the consumer. Don't be one of those Grinches who grumbles and grouses about how the ads for Christmas items seem to start earlier every year. You're right, they do, so what? It just means more time for you to shop around for the best price on your "Thomas Kinkade 'Holiday Reflections' crystal Christmas tree" and "Ultimate Disney Holiday Village." Capitalism is here to turn that frown upside down, Scrooge McDuck! As you might be aware, Christmas ads are already going in full force in magazines, online, and everywhere else. Fake Christmas trees! The Radio City Christmas Spectacular! And "trinkets, bric-and-brac and collectibles" from the unfortunately named Hamilton Collection! Why are we flooded with these annoying pitches year after year? Because of our own lack of spontaneity. Advertisers say people's need to "plan" their purchases mean these early ads work. So you don't like Christmas in September? Don't plan anything until December. This way you can thwart the greedy Jews, who are behind all this:

Today is the first day of fall. But the folks at Target are thinking ahead: the Brooklyn location has already set up its display of Christmas decorations. [Gothamist]

Despite how wicked and cynical and just plain fucked the world grows, people can still appreciate a good thing now and then. As evidence, Uma Thurman and Law & Order star Jesse L. Martin have both just signed on to appear in the upcoming Muppets Christmas special, "Letters to Santa: A Muppets Christmas." In the special, which airs on NBC this December, Uma will play Santa Clause's flight attendant while Martin portrays a mailman who opens the show with a song-and-dance number. As is mandatory, Kermit, Fozzy, Gonzo, Miss Piggy, and the rest of the crew are determined to save Christmas for some tots whose letters to Santa were lost in the mail. "Thurman and Martin join previously cast Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Sirico and Steve Schirripa, Richard Griffiths and Madison Pettis, along with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy and the rest of the muppets gang. The special, from Muppets Prods., will feature songs by The Muppet Movie songwriter Paul Williams." [TheHollywoodReporter]

It's a little late, but the Jewish media titans controlling this site don't exactly know when the pagan holiday commemorating the birth of your false prophet falls on your calendar; what you call "Christmas," occuring on December 25th, is just regular ol' Tevet 16th, 5768 to us. Having said that, here's a video montage of Britney Spears set to one of her own Christmas songs, as compiled by Defamer's own Image Party Picasso, Molly McAleer.

"The driver — 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds — was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving [on Sunday evening], in this case a misdemeanor, police said. In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes. 'We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus,' Deputy Chief Ken Garner said." [LAist]

We're sure more than a few of you apartment- and tract-housing dwellers without the luxury of a real fireplace have turned to the crackling comforts of the televised Yule Log over the years to give your Christmas mornings some added ambiance.

Huge Grinch and chair of Boston University's religion department goes out on the long branch of sociocultural relativism and declares that every day is a holiday that is nearly as great as Christmas! CRUCIFY HIM. [WaPo]

Just in time for the birthday of shop-loving Baby Jesus, the Times covers shop-dropping, the practice of placing items in stores. (Aww, remember the Barbie Liberation Organization?) They also stumble on one of our faves, Packard Jennings—if you find yourself in San Francisco in January, he'll have a new show at Catharine Clark Gallery. (But how will he disrupt his own commodification in the gallery???) The anarchist action figure he leaves in Target stores are really super—and the business-reply pamphlet is extra-dreamy.

Roving, pedestrian hassling videographer Alex Goldberg spent some time in SoHo and Union Square asking passersby what they wanted for the holidays. While many people want to be left alone by dudes with video cameras, a few want world peace, and one gentleman just wants to be loved, and to hear himself speak.

Newsweek invited third-generation etiquette expert Lizzie Post to help Holiday get-togetherers and get-togetherees avoid awkward moments with teetotalers at their Christmas parties. Post offered six tips that we loved so much, we repurposed them in a humorous fashion!

Christmas Eve for Jews is depressing! Especially for me, in part because I hate Chinese food. Also, it's the birthday of Christ (who my people killed) so that makes me feel bad. But, one way I could see feeling better about myself is going to The Ball, an event where "4,000 Jewish Singles take over 5 Chelsea/Meatpacking Nightclubs (Hiro, The Park, The Cabanas, Highline Ballroom and Earth)." A) My mom would be pleased as punch! B) I don't know, I always get this frisson of excitement when I find out not all Jews are bookish. Some are actually complete losers. C) Jewish girls totally put out at Christmas.

The blogfest that is T magazine's website has taken a turn for the greedy, as the staff has begun posting "holiday wish lists" that might as well be coded solicitations for publicists! "Fashion magazine editors may have it worse than the general population. Every day we find ourselves surrounded by beautiful objects," say the supposedly tongue-in-cheek bloggers, before going on to solicit Brunello Cucinelli wool flannel travel jackets and the harlequin dress from Miu Miu's Spring/Summer collection. ATTENTION PUBLICISTS: I WOULD LIKE A NEW PAIR OF SHOES, BECAUSE THESE HAVE HOLES, FOR SERIOUS. SEND THEM TO 76 CROSBY STREET, NY NY 10012 BEFORE MY LAST DAY, 12/31. KTHXBAI!

New study shows that 7 out of 10 gays own pets! 9 out of 10 gays say their pet is "a member of the family" and 2/3rds of gays have BOUGHT THEIR PET A HOLIDAY PRESENT. "Anyone who knows me and my partner Greg also knows that our Wheaten Terrier Chester is a big part of our family," says prominent sad gay Wesley Combs, President of Witeck-Combs Communications, Inc.

News Corp. employees picked up their holiday gift bags today—what did they get? "A Simpsons page-a-day calendar, some Jeff Foxworthy book, and The Simpsons Movie DVD," one of the lucky recipients tells us. Anything else? "We also got an Emergency Procedure Guide." Oh! Well that will definitely come in handy should there be a second freak chemical accident at the News Corp. headquarters this week! "In the event of 1211 exploding, we have to take a bus to Seacaucus, NJ," says a staffer. Um, through the tunnel? No thanks!

Rep. Dem Yvette Clarke, first-term Congresswoman from Park Slope, "was one of just nine members of Congress who last week voted against House resolution 847, a symbolic bill that, among other things, acknowledged 'the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.'" SHE VOTED 'NO' ON CHRISTMAS. [The Brooklyn Paper]

While their toe-tapping take on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" was an indisputable hit with onlookers, nothing compared to the moment a solemn Kevin Arnold donned a white robe and angel wings, mounted a barricade made of discarded picket-signs, and belted to the tune of "O Holy Night," "No more we write/Nick Counter is a Wiener!" in his stirring, pitch-perfect mezzo-soprano.

Earlier this week, Congress passed a resolution affirming that "the House of Representatives ... expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide; acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;[and] acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization." That ought to clear up any lingering confusion. [Scanner]

Growing tired of your bootlegged Betamax copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special, but still looking for some Yuletide Yoda cheer? Here's a gallery of every Star Wars Christmas card sent out by LucasFilm since the '70s, including this year's pop-up edition, featuring a choir of caroling Stormtroopers. Merry Life Day, everyone! [Slash Film]

From the mailbag, about the big News Corp. party on the 14th: "Omg you would not believe the news corp holiday party invite. it's in the form of a comic book about how 'we saved the planet. (*not yet but let's party like we did.') My favorite nauseating bit: 'When it comes to climate change it's important to remember the 3 Rs: Relax!! Rejoice!! Rock!!' Whew—i feel so much better about my planet's future now that NEWSCORP is on it! Also we're asked to wear something blue in honor of COOL CHANGE, the party's theme. And all the rooms at the hilton have appropriately dubbed monikers for the party (my favorite being the escalators, now renamed 'The Winds of Change' that will blow you to the appropriate part of the venue). Good god." It goes without saying that you must send us images of this invitation NOW.