Despite what Chuck Klosterman is apparently claiming in this interview, almost none of us have ever smoked crack cocaine with him.

Since CIA director David Petraeus resigned on Friday over an extramarital affair uncovered by the FBI, the story has shifted from John Le Carré espionage novel to Vince Flynn right-wing thriller to misanthropic Coen Brothers farce — adding along the way more characters, more improbable situations, and best of all, more sexually-charged emails.

In the July 13th edition of Klosterman's The Ethicist advice column for the New York Times, an anonymous reader wrote in seeking advice about an affair his wife was having with a "government executive" whose job "is seen worldwide as a demonstration of American leadership." The anonymous reader went on to praise the government executive as "gracious" and "absolutely the right person for the job." He then asked if he should acknowledge the affair or let it continue until the project succeeds. Sounds like the government executive could hold a position like, say, the director of the CIA, right? In other words, did Paula Broadwell's husband know about her affair with David Petraeus and then turn to, of all people, Chuck Klosterman for advice? Maybe!

Even though North Dakota's prone to disastrous floods and blizzards and maybe not even a real state, and even though a college degree is possibly worthless in today's jobless job market, lots of Ameri-teens are going to college in North Dakota anyhow. It's so cheap!

Chuck Klosterman is now on Twitter. Do with that what you will.

Suze Orman turns 58 today. Billionaire financier Pete Peterson is turning 83. Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley is 42. Post columnist Andrea Peyser is turning 50. Journalist Bill Moyers is 75. Mark Wahlberg is turning 38. Pete Wentz is 30. Author Chuck Klosterman is 37. Comedian Jeff Garlin is 46. Laurie Anderson, the musician and wife of Lou Reed, is 62. Actor Ron Livingston is turning 42. Art advisor Kim Heirston turns 46. Housing Works president Charles King is 50. Kristin Gore, the author and daughter of Al Gore, turns 32. Movie producer Kathleen Kennedy is 56. And Kenny G celebrates his 53rd birthday today. Weekend birthdays below:

The world's most famous half-Puerto Rican/half-Jewish man with a moustache, Geraldo Rivera, will turn 65 tomorrow. Also celebrating on the fourth of July: Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, who will be 78 and playwright Neil Simon, who is turning 81. Other people celebrating birthdays over the long weekend: RZA, 50 Cent, Chuck Close, Matthew Barney, Chuck Klosterman, Edie Falco, and former Mets manager Willie Randolph.

Author and essayist, Klosterman writes about pop culture and sports for Grantland.com.

Esquire's thin January issue (just one feature! Actually, half a feature: part two of a John McCain profile!) has the world's most aggressively infuriating Charles "Chuck" Klosterman column to date. It has such a convincing and thrilling premise—that Klosterman can visually identify which major network a show is on because of subtle changes in color and tone and definition. Oh my God—me too! I think? I swear I can! Wait, can I? No. Because that does not exist, as Chuck then goes on talking about, with the help of some armchair semi-reporting. GRR. To give credit where credit is due, however? A+ for "[I]f you play Explosions in the Sky loud enough, the process of hanging drywall can be a life-altering experience." (Though like he hangs drywall frequently?)

"Chuck Klosterman has been called a newer version of Hunter S. Thompson." [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

Matt Pinfield is still alive! Also, he's a Chuck Klosterman fan. We still love you anyway, Matt! [CBITC]

Even for one of the last holdout fans, Klostermania has finally (finally!) run its course. [NY/NZ]

Chuck Klosterman, whose ample frame is caged in the world's thinnest skin, is angry at the Internets, perhaps because its denizens have begun to call bullshit on his increasingly tiresome shtick in ever-growing numbers. Dispatched to Atlanta to cover the Final Four, the man who makes a living telling you that, no, really, Stryper's To Hell With the Devil is the album that best captured the zeitgeist of the eighties, takes a few shots at the web.

• The Post has never heard of Whitewater. [NYP]
  

• NBC News had always planned to can "Nightly News" exec producer John Reiss. The fact that ABC is starting to manhandle them, ratings-wise, is just a happy coincidence. [NYT]
  

We have to admit we don't generally make a habit of reading Chuck Klosterman's column on ESPN.com, but when he starts writing about sports in his regular Esquire column—well, that's cause for alarm. His subject this month is athletic "second acts"—sports stars who move from the field to the commentator's booth:

More in the "a generation of self-consumed male hipsters have suddenly discovered parenthood, and we'll be forced to listen to them for years on end" department: did you know that author Steve Almond, formerly content merely to sit back and vindictively sling mud at bloggers, now has a pro blog of his very own? It's on new Nerve spinoff site Babble, and it's exactly as self-conscious and caught up in the tired 'bragging about how cool I used to be and now I'm not, but it's ok because parenthood is a Higher Calling than coolness' thing as you'd expect it to be. Witness this scintillating tidbit: "So I guess that's what we're doing: we're enjoying this time. Not doing much work. Not going out at all. Just sitting around worshipping our kid. It rules."

The one thing that has always bothered me about the Charlie Brown Christmas special is that the other kids never admit to Charlie Brown that he was right about the little tree. They ultimately accept the tree, but no one ever says, 'Well, Charlie Brown, I guess you were right all along. We were idiots.'

It's not often that Chuck Klosterman gives us a priveleged peek into his innermost thoughts, so we were thrilled — and, frankly, shocked! — to learn about some of Chuck's writing methods. We thought we'd share the quotes that surprised us most.

Ah, the Housing Works Fall Book & Gin Mingle — a delightfully debauched affair, filled with publishing types and those who love them. And Chuck Klosterman! Despite the over-imbibing of the Belvedere and Moet from Wednesday evening's Spy party , Team Party Crash roused itself out of its immortal hangover Thursday to lumber up the street from Gawker HQ to the Housing Works Bookstore Caf last night, where we forked over $10 and a used book (we hauled along a dating manual from the Gawker discard bin) and made our way to the open bar.