Cigarette taxes here in New York stand at four hundred and eleven dollars per pack, approximately, a burden to which New York smokers have reacted by grumbling slightly more than usual before heading out to turn tricks in order to score enough cash to buy three American Spirit loosies. "Rolling your own?" Don't try it, smart guy!
President Obama, who has supposedly quit smoking himself, took to the YouTube this week to congratulate Americans who are participating in something claustrophobically called the "Great American Smokeout." The annual challenge, which is today, encourages "smokers to use the date to make a plan to quit, or to plan in advance and quit smoking that day." Participants will be rewarded with hallucinations, angst, a quick temper, and a desire to eat or chew anything that's in front of them! Also, less cancer later on.
What a great comedy ad that Herman Cain's campaign released yesterday, right? It's heartwarming to see one of these old, grizzled campaign hands, in this case chief of staff Mark Block, finally getting in front of the camera in his own element: Smoking a cigarette outside some building. Then there's terrible music, Herman Cain gradually smiling over the course of 10 seconds, the works. It's strange and exciting, effectiveness aside! And yet the image of this man smoking left many political writers somewhere between confused and horrified. What does the cigarette "mean"? It's today's hot topic.
The FDA is to be commended for consistently raising the vomit-bar when it comes to cigarette warnings. Next month, they're rolling out nine graphic new labels — collect them all! — featuring the most impressive-looking cancer lungs and sliced-open cadavers we've seen to date. Take that, Saw movie campaign! But your favorite nic-pushers are done playing Mr. Nice Tobacco Conglomerate: They're fighting back! With lawyers!
Remember "E-cigarettes," the electronic cigarettes of the future that we're all smoking now, thanks to the marketing genius of some rich guy? Sure, you remember. You're smoking one right now. As you know, nobody better mess with our e-cigarettes? Or else we will throw peanuts at you, or whatever else may be handy at the time in question!
The ongoing Minnesota government shutdown is dragging the state into a new phase of No Fun Whatsoever, due to the shuttered state offices and programs that aren't handling day-to-day matters as usual. Do you Minnesotans like to drink beer or smoke cigarettes or not see poopy everywhere? Then for now, at least, you'll have to pack up your bindles and migrate down Iowa-way.
The FDA's main plan to getting Americans to give up the vile weed "tobacco" is to put increasingly nasty photos in increasingly prominent places on cigarette packs, until it simply becomes too socially awkward for anyone to carry around cigarettes. This will not work. But it's entertaining to watch the process! "Entertaining" meaning "nasty."
The ongoing Great American Economic Recovery is... well, let's say it's a "mixed bag," to keep everyone's spirits up. On the downside, prices are rising faster than wages, meaning that your meager stores of money are becoming more worthless by the day. And the cost of driving is rising rapidly, taking a bite out of your paltry paycheck before you even get to work.
HIV testing! Fish eyes! Menthol guidelines! Dukan diet! Smoke cancer! Radiation risks! Fat marathon! Fecal stories! And wanton overconsumption of the devil salt! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—leaving you no choice in the matter!
The ongoing War on Smoking, having already eroded your inalienable right to smoke in various public locations of your choice, is taking things to a whole nother level: they are going to quite literally blacklist smokers, refusing to hire them and even mandating piss tests for tobacco, to ensure that smokers remain unemployed, depressed, and smoky.
A new study has found that smoking a cigarette can cause genetic damage within minutes—so quickly it's "equivalent to injecting [pollutants] directly into the bloodstream." But, obviously, injecting terrible chemicals directly into your bloodstream won't make you cool.
You think anti-smoking regulations are tough in the US? Well, at least you don't have to worry about your home being raided by police with a tobacco sniffer dog, or face five years in prison for having too many cigarettes.
