• After having unprotected sex with a green beret and trolling the web for the finest young men available, Clay Aiken is now looking for some female company. If only Penelope Cruz were available. [Page Six]
• Director Kevin Smith will not be casting Reese Witherspoon or Nicole Richie in any forthcoming films, as he feels the former is a cunt and the latter is a slut. Since when did that prevent an actress from getting a role? [Lowdown]
• Former Sony Music chairman Tommy Mottola angers his well-heeled neighbors in Westchester County by building a big, ugly house. As if Captain Greasypants would build a tasteful colonial. [R&M]
• The best lede we'll read all week: "Gloria Estefan says Fidel Castro poops his pants." [Gatecrasher]
• We were somehow overlooked this year, but the ballots for Vanity Fair's international best-dressed list include Amy Sacco, Anna Anisimova, Brian Williams, and maybe a few dead folk. [Page Six]
• Dear Sharon Stone: Please shut the fuck up already. [Liz Smith]

• Will Ferrell did not die in a paragliding accident. And if he did, do you really think you'd hear about it through a barely literate press release? [Defamer]
• So long as MTV-ready bands behave like this in Manhattan hotels, we'd rather sleep in our shoebox. Fucking trash monkeys, all of them. [Hotel Chatter]
• Ladies, prepare yourselves: Tomorrow is Steak and Blowjob day! Share it with the man you love, or at least one you don't mind sucking off. [SteakandBJDay]
• We can hardly fathom paying $82 for a stack of magazines. Make them a stack of bridal magazines, and you've the third ring of hell. [Bridal Blog]
• A Gay Clay is a defective one. [Got Detroit?]
• The bad thing about winning the U.S. Memory Championship is being unable to forget the reporter bugging you, that damn Foer kid. [Slate]

• Finally, an explanation as to why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston: She was an underminer ("the best friend who casually destroys your life," as per the book of the same name). As her former roommate Nancy Balbirer reveals, Aniston advised her to be "more fuckable" and buy chicken cutlets to stuff her bra. In Aniston's defense, only a true friend would tell you to be a better whore. [Lowdown]
• An associate of LA nightlife's grand dame Amanda Scheer-Demme accuses rival promoter Brent Bolthouse of "selling out to the Jew." Well, that is the only way to get ahead in Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Clint Eastwood's son may be a real-life Gay Cowboy. [R&M]
• Clay Aiken fans file a formal complaint with the FTC after realizing that the American Idol runner-up was falsely marketed as anything but a big 'mo. [Page Six]
• Don't believe the Brangelina gift registry at Tiffany's — there's no way they'd have you spend your money when you could be using it to feed a one-legged Haitian orphan. [Jossip]
• NB to all gossips: chubby doesn't mean pregnant. [Scoop]

• Aren't we long overdue for a nasty celebrity sex tape? Sure, we just had Colin Farrell's taped tryst, but that was actually kind of hot. How about something to make us vomit? A video of Kid Rock and Scott Stapp engaging in some group play with the ladies would work. [Us Weekly]
• Courtney Love finally sells her Crosby Street loft; the last reported asking price was $5.25 million. And just like that, she's left us forever. [Page Six]
• Clay Aiken continues to cruise Manhunt.com for hookups, offering to reveal his identity via webcam. We can only dream of being so lucky. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Coldwell Banker broker Jason Lewis sells a chunk of record-setting NYC snow on eBay. We're sorry, but is the real estate market just not making you rich enough these days? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton uses up another Greek shipping heir, as beau Stavros Niarchos has reportedly left her. Now we can only wait, trembling with fear and anticipation, to see who she fucks next. [Page Six]
• Thankfully, Prince will remain unharmed by Paris' claws. [Scoop]

• Behold Philippe Starck's Downtown Chandelier of Insanity, to be housed in his Broad Street condos. Luxury units still available, if the lighting fixture doesn't scare the shit out of you. [Curbed]
• After five cold, long years, Fabio is back and still completely in awe of that margarine. [AdAge (reg. req'd)]
• The perfect singles mixer: Girls meet, get wasted, bitch about dating and men. Men show up 2 hours later and are promptly torn to shreds. [LWE]
• If you're anything like us, you saw Brokeback Mountain and immediately wanted to be a Gay cowboy. Now a ranch in Montana is offering a vacation that will allow you to be exactly that. [Mirror UK]
• There was once a time when it was OK to say "Ayds helps you lose weight." [YouTube]
• A little too Donnie Darko for comfort. [CNN]
• First Grilled Cheese NYC closes its doors, and now 71 Clinton is nearing the end. A moment of silence, please, for the death of the Lower East Side's original gentrifier. [The Strong Buzz]
• A numerical study of the popularity of the phrase "more cowbell." Fittingly, it comes out on top of Clay Aiken — but who doesn't? [Parenthetical Remarks]

A former green beret has told the National Enquirer that "Measure of a Man" singer Clay Aiken read his man measurements on a gay internet personal ad and arranged a steamy, man-on-effeminate-AM radio-friendly-songstylist encounter:

• American Idol Clay Aiken engaging in hot homo sex with a former Green Beret? Golly, we can't imagine. Actually, we can — but only if Clay bottomed. [Page Six]
• And there's this detailed description of said hot homo sex, which will make the Claymates either cry or masturbate. [R&M]
• Jessica Simpson engages in assplay with Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine; the girl just can't stay away from metrosexual pop boys, can she? [Page Six]
• For the inevitable Arianna Huffington-Tim Russert cage match, we'll be putting our money on Huffington. Her well-manicured nails would easily pierce Russert's tender, puffy flesh. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Kidman's engagement ring isn't really that pretty. We always thought she was more of a classic setting, brilliant-cut type of girl. [OAN]

• Lindsay Lohan continues to thrive after her "asthma attack" and Vanity Fair's "appalling" suggestion that she likes to boot and rally — due in no small part to the support of her mother Dina, who guzzles champagne with her daughter at B8 until the wee hours. [Page Six]
• Speaking of our fair young starlet, we too hear that Lohan hit up Saturday Night Live while "bloody cunt" Scarlett Johansson was hosting. But, well, was Lohan actually allowed to stay? [R&M (last item)]
• Rather than do an all-out blind item guessing game, we'll just put it this way: Clay Aiken, this is your life. [Page Six]
• If you care, the Golden Globes are tonight, and GQ editor Jim Nelson is getting everyone all liquored up for the event. Related: Can a glossy exist without extravagant, pricey parties? [Lowdown]
• Forbes.com wine pro Nick Passmore makes a total ass of himself while attempting to review Philippe. [Page Six]
• Desperate not to be forgotten by Brangelina's fetus, Matt Damon and his Anon-a-Wife are expecting a baby girl. [Scoop]

• Bid on the charity auction to win a tour of CNN and VIP tickets to Anderson Cooper's show. It's your big chance to show your dream man just how charitable of a stalker you are. [Charity Buzz]
• Cathy Rigby retires from Peter Pan, leaving only one sure bet as her replacement: Clay Aiken in the tights he was always born to wear. [Manolo the Shoeblogger]
• Why were we all completely unaware that Glamour had entered film production? [OAN]
• Just like the city itself, the New York Public Library's "I Heart NY" snowglobe is dirty as hell. [Consumerist]

Because nothing says holiday cheer like sexual identity confusion and also-ran status, because putting his name into a Google image search is foolproof fun, because it's Friday, and well, just because, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you: Clay Aiken, Christmas Angel.

• Jessica and Ashlee Simpson cancel their People mag-sponsored VMA party after the magazine refuses to foot the bill, which would have included $20,000 for Jessica's hair and makeup. You don't even want to know how much it would've cost to spackle Ashlee. [Page Six]
• Just what you didn't want: The Tom Sizemore sex tape. [R&M]
• Spy founder and food model Kurt Andersen has reportedly sold his upstate NY farm to Chelsea art dealer Anton Kern, thus ensuring that we'll never again have to endure another Martha Stewart Living feature on his perfectly pastoral life. [Page Six]
• Demi Moore talks about naked cuddle time with Ashton Kutcher and reveals her breastfeeding tips. [NYDN]
• Journos at the Wall Street Journal are bitching about the staffers brought in to make the upcoming Saturday lifestylish pages worth reading. Major props to the disgruntled fellow who referred to the new recruits as "the JV team." Very junior year 1997, that one. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Not like you needed more proof that fans of Clay Aiken are reaching new heights in crazy, but now they're touring the American Idol star's home. Online. [Scoop]

Blogger PageSixSixSix continues to put more effort into analyzing the sexuality of American Idol runner-up and child-hater Clay Aiken—there's something to be said for the tenacity of the Internet Gays, no? After suggesting that Clay Aiken had sex with male prostitute Mario Cruz (at right, link NSFW), Crazy McBlogger went so far as to hunt down Cruz's phone number and give him a call. Predictably, Cruz had no comment. Is this a case of "No means yes," or is Cruz just working his 15 minutes? You can, of course, call Cruz and ask him yourself; now that his number is listed online, we're sure the Claymates are suiting up for battle. Lawsuits TK!
PageSixSixSix Makes Contact [PageSixSixSix]

· PETA enlists David Cross in the fight against fur. His method? Back hair. And lots of it. [FurIsDead]
· What if sweet, innocent Clay Aiken hired prostitutes? And what if they were male prostitutes?! No, God, we can't imagine. That's just impossible. [PageSixSixSix]
· If you can stomach it, Valentine's Day seems to merit a lengthy analysis of pigeon-sex. [New Partisan]
· The art of vomit, courtesy of the New York Times. Happy Monday, everyone! [NYT]
· Brad Pitt, April Florio...we just don't have the attention span for this anymore. Where's Angelina Jolie, dammit? [ToGawp]

Hell hath no fury like a Clay Aiken fan scorned or forced to look at a pin-up of Ruben Studdard. The hate mail continues to pour in from the allegations posted here that Aiken acted like the Great Santini of choir leaders to a bunch of school kids. One determined reader has written us three times. Each time the font got bigger, redder, and crazier. You really have to appreciate this kind of devotion from a fanbase. Or get very, very, very far away from them.

The wait is almost over. We've been eagerly anticipating this since we first heard about it in September:

Gosh, we sure do love American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken and his army of irate and defensive fans Claymates. While we appreciate their suggestions that, instead of hating on Aiken, we "accept Jesus" into our hearts, we're not sure divine intervention would prevent us from covering newsworthy Aiken updates such as this tidbit regarding one John Dahlstrom, from email newsletter Gossiplist:

Allow us to take a moment to reflect on how much we absolutely and genuinely adore Susan Barry, the woman who sent us the renowned email exposing American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken as a selfish douchebag. Susan is out of the anonymity closet because she's been unfairly suspended (with pay, thankfully) by her school district for sending the much-lauded missive. While we're happy that Susan essentially has scored herself a paid vacation for emailing Gawker about the AikenBot, we have to say it's a wee bit outrageous that an educator is removed from her classroom for exercising critical thinking skills (albeit with an F-bomb dropped here and there). Since when was honesty a punishable offense?
Anti-Aiken Post Gets Teacher Suspended [NJ.com]
Speaking Out On Clay-Gate Earns A Teacher A Time Out [Philly.com]

We hate to say we told you so, but the virulent influx of hatemails from belligerent Clay Aiken fans is forcing us to do exactly that. On Monday, we ran an email from a NJ teacher claiming that Clay Aiken and his people treated students and staff from a local school choir like little slave-monkeys and then threatened to "make trouble" if any of the present parties talked to the press. The Philadelphia Inquirer has done some follow-up work—like, real journalism!—and confirms the story's veracity. And yes, we're sure Clay was very nice in every other city he went to, but he certainly behaved like a twat in Jersey. Fin.
Hey, Idol: Quit Bullying Kids [Philly.com via Reality Blurred]

Can we just take a moment to reflect on the darling charm that is beloved American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken? He's so sweet, so kind—he was even working in special education before prefabricated superstardom came calling.