An ABC News investigative report suggests the mainstream media has grown completely bored of the "Clay Aiken: Gay?" angle, and is now turning to all-new categorizations ending in the suffix "-sexual" to solve the mystery of the American Idol ejectee's true leanings. In a recent New York interview, Aiken again skirted the personal-life issue by saying, "I have got too much on my plate. I'd father [sic?] focus on one thing and do that when I can devote time to it, and right now, I just don't have any desire."

Where were you when you found out about Heath Ledger? We were struggling with a dead MacBook battery, and about three-quarters of our way through a post on what could well have been one of the most pointless moments in the history of Western civilization: Clay Aiken visiting The View to talk about his new life as a Broadway gypsy. We quickly shelved that post, but one day later, it feels as if we now more than ever need to see Clay dropping to his knees, pulling Joy, Sherri, Whoopsters, and Elisabeth down with him, for a demonstration of the Diddler on the Roof-inspired Russian dancing required of him in Spamalot. Job have mercy, that seems like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

We invite you to feast your eyes on the first known photo of Clay Aiken in his Spamalot costume, as he steps into the role of Sir Robin vacated by soft-outed Frasier star David Hyde Pierce. (That's for the razzle dazzle number. His knight's costume will look something like this.) Let the commenting wisecrack orgy begin! [Towleroad]

A bad-tempered Clay Aiken got a lesson in the modern media, during his recent Q&A with Newsweek. The American Idol contestant, who was trying to promote his part in Monty Python's Spamalot, was irritated by a reminder of his televised teasing by Kelly Ripa. "It was a year ago. This is Newsweek. It's not the National Enquirer." Can we talk about something fun? asked the interviewer. "No, we're done. I thought Newsweek would be more reputable. I'm surprised." Honey, as Kelly Ripa would have addressed the pop singer, nobody's reputable any more. (Bonus: a webcam shot of Aiken from Star Magazine, another unreputable publication.)

• Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters collect from jail, kicking off her campaign of image rehabilitation with confessions like "I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute." Omg, it was all an act! [ABC]
  

Ahh, the wisdom of crowds: so far, the vast majority of you have responded to the question we posed in our Blind Item Guessing Game by asserting that American Idol winner loser (and child-hater) Clay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Times A Million Gayken wouldn't even know which NBA team he'd prefer to be butt-serviced by, as he is a gay and thus doesn't know the names of the teams that play the sporty-ball games. And according to a helpful tipster, you're probably 100% right:

Ben Widdicombe tosses us an extraordinarily puzzling blind item today:

A sharp-eyed tipster directed us to this Kelly Ripa fan site (yes, such things exist) in the wake of Kelly's recent outburst. As the photos above show, Ms. Professional has been known to put her own hands over people's mouths, and receive the same. Maybe Regis is ultra-hygienic, or maybe Kelly isn't bothered by the aroma of Joy Philbin's twat, but our money's on the fact that, yeah, she was afraid of catching Clay. Shame, shame, shame. Also, can we end this scandal now? We wouldn't want Clay Aiken's hand in our mouths either, but only because it's probably touched Simon Cowell at some point.

So on Friday, Clay Aiken subbed in for Regis Philbin on the popular program What Your Grandma Watches Every Morning. A bizarre sequence of events occurred in which Clay shoved his hand over Grandma co-host Kelly Ripa's mouth, Kelly got upset, went on a five minute tirade about it to Regis upon his return, and then was called out for her homophobia by resident View Expert in Box-eating Issues Rosie O'Donnell. As if this ridiculous story hadn't gone far enough, Kelly then called into The View to defend herself. Were it not the week of Thanksgiving none of this would make a difference, but since it is, and, let's face it, there's not a lot else out there, we had Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley slap some of the best moments together. Enjoy the meta of Rosie talking about homophobia against someone whose sexual preference is still (sort of) a question! Or not, totally your call.

Clay Aiken may not have toppled Justin Timberlake from the number one spot on the charts with yesterday's release of his new CD, but you'd hardly know it from the swarms of Claymates who showed up to his in-store signing at the Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood: The only LoveSounds these horny ladies were interested in were of the twangy, high-pitched, and exceedingly fey variety. When a nervous fanatic in her prime baby-making years approached her idol (pictured), so atwitter were her twin reproductive organs that they literally shook themselves loose and fell to the floor, sending her sheepishly scrambling to collect them before they could roll into the Jazz section.

Drudge Report

It's got nothing on Tuesday's explosion of gayness, but this transition from Clay Aiken interview to, well, something else, seems more than a little deliberate on GMA's part. When Diane Sawyer tells you to come out, you come out. Or else.

This is just a brief transition from one segment of a morning show to another, but the sheer confluence of themes near and dear to Gawker's heart practically made our heads explode. We hit the trifecta!

Well, sure. It's just a shame that Hetracil turned out to be a hoax.

We're constitutionally disinclined from mentioning Clay Aiken twice in a week, much less twice in a single morning, but a reader forwarded this screenshot showing how Aiken's hometown paper's website chose to celebrate the news that the President gave their favorite local boy his first real job, which we are far, far too weak not to share. Try to resist beaming right along with the special little guy as it's explained to him that he's going to go on a field trip to the White House!

Merely donning a set of Kevlar wings and having a teamster raise and lower you by rope-and-pulley may not be enough to fully cement your status as Earthbound Angel, but gifted sonbgird and frequent online romance seeker Clay Aiken will soon be able to fully lay claim to the title:

Insert your own "he can dish it out, but he can't take it" joke here.

• Katie Couric's inevitable reign of evening news terror will not be limited to the television; CBS will be broadcasting on the radio and web, as well. You can't hide; her legs are gonna be spread all over the place. [NYT]
• Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are splitting. That makes it official: reality television destroys your marriage and ensures that no one will give a shit when it happens. [Star]
• As a sex writer, you get to write about dildos and butt plugs. Plus, you get to keep whatever you try. Like swag, but with orgasms. [Craigslist]
• With the world rapidly approaching some sort of nuclear apocalypse, you can't help but miss Monica Lewinsky. [HuffPo Contagious Fest]
• Just because your mom was one of Union Square's most loyal drunkards doesn't mean you can't go to MIT. Hell, with a life story like that, you're guaranteed a winning application essay. [NYS]
• Remember Richard Nouveau and the nonexistant J-Date hoax wherein he claimed to have duped several girls into meeting him at Fat Baby? Well, the prank was a fake, but the guy and his publication, Pocket Change, are annoyingly real. [NYP]
• We swear to God, we did not post this on Craigslist. We'd only use BigMuscle. [Craigslist]
• Has Clay Aiken found a new man? And if so, did he find him in a Mystic Tan booth? [Faded Youth]
• ConEd swears they're able to handle the heat wave, lest we all spend our days swimming in ass soup. Which is still a distinct possibility. [NYB]
• Jann's looking for a new bitch. Matt Nye is just tired, ya know? [Mediabistro]

• Wait, so Britney Spears did her own hair and makeup for last week's Dateline video? Oh, good. We were afraid she actually paid someone to paint her face like an inverted raccoon. [Page Six]
• And, moreover, Brit won't be giving birth in Namibia. She'd rather go somewhere more original, like Angola. [AP]
• Brangelina wants to adopt another fucking kid. [People]
• Former Green Beret John Paulus apologizes to Clay Aiken for selling him out to the National Enquirer. Paulus didn't mean to profit off of their special man-love, and he hopes for forgiveness. No comment from Aiken, who's too busy giving himself another god-awful hairstyle. [Scoop]
• David Hans Schmit, the man who's been auctioning off Paris Hilton's personal diaries and photos after she failed to pay the bill for her storage locker, shows up to Macy's on Friday for Hilton's fragrance launch. She still gave him an autograph. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Blind item guessing game: drugs, infidelity, a break-up. Just another Hollywood marriage. [Gatecrasher (last item)]
• Ted Kennedy drinks just enough to baby-talk to his Portuguese water dogs without scaring any children present. [Lowdown]

Tonight is a big night for fans of bad pop music and Ryan Seacrest: it's the American Idol finale, in which one lucky soul will be chosen by the American people to enjoy approximately 12 minutes of fame and 12 years of performing in shopping malls. Idol's Gay golden calf, Clay Aiken, isn't necessarily appearing tonight — but if he does, his boyfriend won't be the only one with a gag. A reader writes: