Fresh off an exhilarating birthday bonanza and an electrifying stop on The Late Show with David Letterman, Katherine Heigl brought her nicotine-stained 27 Dresses promotional tour to the Oprah show earlier this afternoon. Being the consummate pro that she is, she did NOT let the opportunity slip through her fingers to knock her new husband Josh "Call Me Joshua" Kelley down a few pegs.

· Wasn't it only yesterday that they announced Star Jones' show was getting dumped? These TruTV people work fast.
· Our wishlist for the guy to fill William Katt's tights in the Greatest American Hero movie, in order of desirability : John Krasinksi, Steve Zahn, Willie Aames, Justin Timberlake. (Please, Will Ferrell, let this one go.)
· This is what your condo will look like if you choose to pay a sure-to-be obscene sum to live in the new Grove in Glendale.
· Orderlies at UCLA psych ward are now apparently transcribing Britney Spears' calls for TMZ.
· We agree with Rambo Review Kid: Shitdicknipples kind of sucks.

We've already admitted to you our growing fascination with thinly veiled child-sex-trafficking game show Make Me A Supermodel. (Small side note: Has the term "supermodel" lost all currency? Is it now the fashion world equivalent of the term "porn star," with any XXX-come-lately to successfully wrap a dp scene instantly elevating themselves to the level of a Courtney Cummz or Naomi St. Clair? But we digress.) Forced to up the naked ante from last week's naughty boudoir challenge, producers dispensed with all manner of propriety, and had the remaining contestants strip bare for a drawing class.

Here's Dylan Ratigan of CNBC, going off on the Microsoft-Yahoo merger. And we do mean going off. Ratigan is a veteran of Bloomberg News, a serious business journalist. But not in this clip. No, in this clip, it's clear that a madness has begun to creep across Ratigan's cool facade. Why? Might it be that he, the stallwart reporter, has been up since dawn covering today's news? Bringing you people constant updates on Microsoft and Yahoo? Downing coffee and skipping meals? Might that be why he's a little loopy? A little crazy? A little giddy? Just like the rest of us hacks? Hallelujah say yeah!

Last night's installment of Celebrity Rehab delivered perhaps its most poignant moment since decided to convert the Pasadena Recovery Center into a melancholy-tinged version of its Surreal Life house. In a move we'll assume is generally unnecessary inside the walls of a rehabilitation facility, Dr. Drew and his troubled, semi-famous charges staged an intervention on behalf of Joanie Chyna in a desperate attempt to figure out why, exactly, she's on the show; as an avowed non-alcoholic or drug-abuser, Joanie's very presence was so bedeviling to her fellow addicts that such a drastic measure was required to puzzle through the mystery of her casting.

The effeminate young man who requested that the country lay off of Britney a bit has posted a video, the first one he's put on YouTube since his tearful plea of September 7. (He did post some others but immediately removed them, but this one's stayed up for a full day now.) In the video, Chris Crocker (still not his real name!) announces his return, shows us how scared he is, doesn't mention the reality show he supposedly landed two weeks after his rant, and sounds just like the passport-losing party-going indie filmmaker Arin Cromley. Also, fingerquotes! Which is why you should totally click through and watch.

Are there any other suitors for Yahoo? Not really, according to CNBC. They shoot down a number of potential buyers including IAC, Time Warner, and News Corp. The pundits posit AT&T as the only possible mate. Henry Blodget pours water on that theory too. He talked to a "senior executive" at Microsoft who says "AT&T encouraged us to make the bid. They have no interest in buying Yahoo themselves." GIven the huge premium Microsoft is offering, they may run away with Yahoo without a fight.

Back when John Edwards was running for president of America's Liberal White Men, he'd mention, at every opportunity, that there are 200,000 homeless veterans across our glorious nation. Hearing this upset Bill O'Reilly, who decided then that such a thing is impossible. Bill first insisted that there was no such thing as a homeless vet, then eventually ceded that there might be some, but probably not that many. He's right! There are only 196,000 homeless vets. Some of them protested outside Fox's headquarters yesterday, with the intention of providing Bill with a petition. Press coverage of the protest was minimal, though an O'Reilly producer showed up. The producer, Jesse Watters, is O'Reilly's official "ambush" man, and probably the smarmiest fuck on the planet. According to Radar, he spent a great deal of time accusing vets of, uh, calling our troops "baby-killers." The Culture War no longer even follows its own internal logic, does it? Anyway—there's video from the organizers. It's after the jump. [NYDN, Radar]

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To celebrate the 5th anniversary of boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel's ascension to ABC's late night throne, Sarah Silverman decided it was time to come clean—in song, unsurprisingly—about the torrid, fuck-filled affair she's been having with secretly devious Hollywood Nice Guy Matt Damon, who's quietly been delivering carnal payback for years of being Kimmel's sign-off joke ("Apologies to Matt Damon, we've run out of time," etc) in the form of erotic pillow fights, up-against-the-minibar penetrations, and Scrabulous-enhanced trysts with the cuckolded host's longtime partner.

The Fox Business Network had Google's Tim Armstrong on this morning to talk about YouTube, but quickly transitioned to the much bigger news of the day: the Microsoft takeover of Yahoo.

So—Karl Rove is going to be a Fox News contributer! What an exciting and unexpected move. We hope it goes well for them! It probably won't, though. Because Karl Rove, that Machiavellian Boy Genius, is terrible on-air and also not even particularly adept at analyzing politics. He's a great smear campaigner, sure! But he's not even Lee Atwater's equal in that dubious regard. The man micromanaged one of the least popular presidencies of the last hundred years, parlayed untold goodwill and love into worldwide scorn, and also lost two of Bush's most important elections. Namely the 2006 midterms and, oh right, Bush's initial election itself. The only people who still think Karl Rove is some sort of brilliant political mind are semi-literate Kos commenters. And Roger Ailes, apparently. Even Keith Olbermann thinks Karl is only the third worst person in the world! See for yourself, after the jump.

Microsoft offered to buy Yahoo for $31 per share, a 62 percent premium on yesterday's close that sets Yahoo's value at $44.6 billion Here's the Squawk Box breakdown. Check out our continuing coverage.

· NBC Universal's Conanfield has reinvigorated the moribund monologue-monster-attack genre! A triumph!
· The Bachelor's most memorable season finale dumpee gets a second chance at fake-love.
· Star Jones has been "rebranded" right out of a job.
· Isabella Rossellini has moved on to bug porn. [via BoingBoing]
· This year's Super Bowl ads will be "gentle and sweet"; except, you know, for that one where Justin Timberlake gets repeatedly smashed in the junk.

Now that we know the voice of Bart Simpson is a full-on "Clear" scientologist, we had to wonder what Bart would sound like were he played by the Clearest of All Clears: Mr. Tom Cruise! In this video mashup keenly edited together by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, our favorite yellow-haired toon turns from a loveable little menace whose tagline is "Don't have a cow, man" to an eerie little OT in-training who abides by the mantra "Anything LRH does." We can't help but wonder what would've gone down had the little guy had had the powers of Xenu with him during that climactic final scene in The Simpsons Movie. We imagine that Bart, embiggened with the energy of the alien king, could have extracted the entire family from the Springfield bubble himself, saving Homer all those motorcycle-induced scrapes and bruises.

Are we going soft if we're starting to feel a little badly for Mr. Phil? The guy answers one frantic phone call from a family in need, then instantly jumps to action, gathering a handful of tongue depressors, a non-functioning stethoscope, and a camera crew before rushing bedside to treat their daughter's Fake British Accent Disorder. He then innocently offers his frank assessment of her condition to Paramount TV syndie-cousin ET.

An allegedly shocking video of Heath Ledger attending a "Hollywood drug party" (or as such an event is more commonly referred to in Los Angeles, "a party") at the Chateau Marmont following the 2006 SAG awards, which may prove conclusively that the recently deceased actor has been in the same room as cocaine and may have discussed his own chilling marijuana use, has surfaced.

As has been documented again and again and again, there is a mouse problem as the fancy new headquarters of the New York Times. So, when Gawker videographer Alex Goldberg found himself at an event attended by some of the architects responsible for that new Times building, he knew his muckracking mission: corner one of them and demand answers.

• My Rambo Review [YouTube via BWE]

In the attached clip, CNN shouting head Glenn Beck creeps out charming GOP strategist Amy Holmes (seriously, we love her!) while ostensibly discussing Ted Kennedy's endorsement of change-monger Barack Obama. His opening question: "You ever just pictured Ted Kennedy naked?" Sometimes, Beck explains, "that picture with him with his shirt off just kind of pops into your head." Sure, Glenn. Percocet withdrawal can be rough. [MediaMatters]