Ohh Hoda Kotb. The perpetually drunk Today Show hostess was celebrating St. Paddy's day pretty hard on-air this morning. Over at CBS, they were only pretending to drink. Take a cue, Hodes.

MSNBC host Rachel Maddow has been on a tour of late-night shows, where the Rhodes Scholar explains the massive flaws in our political and economic systems. Another common duty: Answering questions about Keith Olbermann.

50 Cent is locked in a running feud with Miami rapper (and former corrections officer) Rick Ross. It's all anyone in hip hop is talking about! Naturally, 50 has donned a wig, for a sex tape.

Good Morning America went to rural Alaska and cornered a 19-year-old high school dropout in his truck to ask him about his relationship with the girl he knocked up. Journalism!

Oh look, it's that nutty Berkeley chef Alice Waters, telling 60 Minutes we should all eat non-poisoned food. Doesn't she know organic produce is a "luxury," in Lesley Stahl's words? It's a recession!

Man mountain of evil shmutz Dick Cheney recently appeared on CNN. Thank God, he's remanded to punditry forevermore. In two more years, he'll just be an evil florist.

CNBC didn't do the honorable thing and shut down today. So, Jim Cramer still has his psychotic money clown show which he opened tonight with the sort of humor that makes him a broadcast treasure.

How much coffee did Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg drink before going on Oprah? We've never seen the 24-year-old Harvard dropout talk this fast. Instead of nervous pauses, he filled the air with spew.

Shepard Smith is secretly the best anchor on television (well, it's not a secret to non-crazy Fox viewers and Esquire readers*). Today he just made fun of Glenn Beck for an hour.

The swimming fella Michael Phelps was on the Today show this morning talking about his BONG SCANDAL, now that everyone has stopped caring. He's not saying what he did but he won't do it again*.

The only thing that stopped last night's Jim Cramer-Jon Stewart battle from becoming a total bloodbath was that it was such a rout, with CNBC's Cramer in steady retreat.

What happened to Jim Cramer? CNBC's Mad Money host screams stock-market tips with alpha male abandon, but he looked like he was going to wet himself in his Daily Show grudge match tonight.



Having been slammed repeatedly by host Jon Stewart over the past few days for one-sided journalism, Cramer fled any real direct confrontation in his lengthy interview and instead went contrite — absurdly contrite. His voice went high and cracked, his thoughts fragmented as they left his mouth.

Kutiman's video series has generated awe and praise in the week since it debuted. One fan even issued a preemptive warning to entertainment executives who might be contemplating lawsuits:

Did you hear? Digg founder Kevin Rose was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Wednesday. As was Rose's forgettable Diggnation cohost — what's his name? Ah, yes — Alex Albrecht, who we hear wants out.

Every year, instead of heading to the beaches, geeks flock to Austin, Texas, to engage in a rite of spring called "South By Southwest." There's a conference, but who goes to that?

Susan Wojcicki, the Google vice president who's also the sister-in-law of cofounder Sergey Brin, announced that Google would start tracking the websites people visit, wherever Google serves ads — which is something like 90 percent of the Internet worldwide. Google will then assign "interests" to those users based on their online browsing, and serve up ads accordingly.

You have to hand it to Jon Stewart: The Daily Show host at least has the good sense to mock his "Basic Cable Personality Clash" with Jim Cramer the very moment it becomes mockable.

The consummate professionals at the Fox & Friends morning show discussed Chris Brown and Rihanna's music careers this morning with all the sensitivity you've come to expect. Which is exactly none.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak made it through his routine on Dancing With the Stars without doing anything deeply tragic! Except, you know, for going on Dancing With the Stars in the first place.

Note that these segments always seem to come at the end of the broadcast, when people could use a reprieve from all the murder and house fires and terrible political machinations of the day. We need the Savior! And look how often we get Him (and sometimes her). Faith works, folks.