Before you get upset, let me clarify. I mean ugly people. People who like to imagine that the (unending!!!!!) struggle between members of the opposite sex (the gay people are just cute little helpers in this movie's world, like forks and spoons from Beauty and the Beast) is quantifiable and universal. Here's a hint: it's not! And even the doggishly handsome Justin Long can't boil the whole gurgling circus down to a safe little o.b. size. So why are you spending money on the stupid movie, an act which tangentially involves giving Greg Behrendt money. You don't want to do that.

To be fair, Anderson Cooper tonight asked the president some questions about serious topics, like the economy. Then the immaculately groomed CNN anchor turned his attention to Barack Obama's nails.

· Just for the record: David Poland is completely above suggesting what he's clearly suggesting about Gus Van Sant and Dustin Lance Black. Got it?
· Warning: Oscar surprises ahead, which may or may not include Jack Palance's disinterred corpse doing hydraulics-assisted push-ups.
· It's the Christian Bale And I Are Done Professionally T-shirt. Get 'em while they're hot.
· Fox gets edgy with its promos: Check out their vintage grindhouse-style double-feature spot for Terminator and Dollhouse. We've never been more excited to El Fuego Our Fridays!

It's of a young Bale in Steven Spielberg's 1987 epic Empire of the Sun. He's singing to Japanese people. Look at how sweet and innocent he was! What changed? What made him so spoiled and mean in the years since? We may never know. It's a shame. Where has Cowboy Kelly gone?

Any audio as unfreakinbelievably fantastic as Christian Bale's Apocalyptic Meltdown is bound to get the remix treatment, and there's already several: Bale vs. Russell, Bale vs. Donut, and by far the greatest—the dance remix.

Failed horse trader Gov. Rod Blagojevich continues his sad media tour on the Today show today, where Meredith Vieira succeeds in making him sound like Bill Clinton in his most pitiful Lewinsky scandal moments.

Since it's not enough that he's a New Yorker contributor, perennial SNL and Oscars host, movie star and chart-topping banjo player, Steve Martin had to be awesome on David Letterman last night.

Internet hustler Jason Calacanis might be Twitter friends with Ashton Kutcher and Kutcher's wife Demi Moore, but the Brooklyn native will still slam the celebrities for harassing two homebuilders.

Perhaps we spoke a bit too quickly when we declared that a Bruce Springsteen halftime show would be safely free of any demonshlong appearances.

There's never unanimous agreement about which Super Bowl ads are terrible and which are brilliant. But Alec Baldwin's Hulu spot seems likely to emerge a consensus favorite.

Between the Steelers' 100-yard intercept touchdown and The Boss' halftime show camera crotch-slam, the Super Bowl was bundles of fun before the second half even started.

The fourth hour of the Today Show is when Kathie Lee Gifford unhinges her jaw and swallows up airtime by abusing co-host Hoda Kobt and displaying sexual frustration. Two clips after the jump.

David Letterman is reportedly in talks to extend his CBS contact beyond 2010. The idea is to take ratings from Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show; further taunting Jay Leno is a fringe benefit.

Time Inc. just laid off 600 people, but that didn't keep the flagship magazine from sending, we're told, four editors to the plutocratic playground of Davos. They're acting as obnoxiously as possible, naturally.

Is it any surprise that print is dying? Not for newspapers. In fits and starts since the 1970s and 1980s, they (and others) have been looking to go electronic but they screwed it up. Watch!

What's stupider than debating Wall Street bankers' bonuses? Using obscenities on live television while debating them! That's what Charlie Gasparino, CNBC's lovably loudmouthed on-air commentator did. Click for the clip and transcript.

From the city of broad shoulders, creeping into our hearts like little cat feet, comes a new American versemaker, Rod Blagojevich. This video medley from the Illinois governor's impeachment defense shows it was pure poetry.

We're still not sure if what we saw in the Salt Lake judging room was an actual 250-lb., adorable pink Easter Beary or rather some barbiturate-induced Paula Abdul hallucination, but whatever it was—we're in love.

The Scientologist who voices Bart Simpson used the character in robo-calls promoting a Los Angeles-area cult event. Simpsons creator Fox could not have been pleased.

Jake Gyllenhaal returned to the drudgery of jury duty today, where he received none of the pampering he'd become accustomed to from Prince of Persia's small army of chest-hair stylists and grape-peeling P.A.s.