Is Google becoming the king of the Web? Well, duh — that happened about five years ago, before anyone really noticed. But activist groups, now and again, worry about whether Google knows too much about us. Yesterday, Consumer Watchdog's John Simpson quizzes Google CEO Eric Schmidt about whether his company is doing enough to guard our privacy.You have to admire how Schmidt bats the question aside: Google engineers have thought long and hard about this, and concluded that protecting users' privacy would make pages load too slowly. What he doesn't mention is that this is a problem because the slower pages load, the fewer Web searches we make; and the fewer Web searches we make, the fewer ads Google can sell. Google could make the Web safe for our secrets, in other words — its whiz kids know exactly how to do it — but it would just take too long. The king has spoken.

"My blog, because the press never gets it right." This 2006 Hewlett Packard ad featuring Dallas Mavs owner and dotcom bazillionaire Mark Cuban shows why it'll be fun to watch him fight with the SEC over a chump-change $750,000 windfall from what the lawmen claim is insider trading. Cuban is a crazy super-multitasker who gets 1,000 emails a day, yet still had time to do Dancing with the Stars. Halfway through this ad, he checks off The Smartest Guys in the Room, a documentary about the Enron scandal that he coproduced. My guess on this week's insider trading charge against him? He did it, not thinking through the risks. But he's going to make the SEC look like a bunch of dolts on the Internet. Pass the popcorn!

Miley Cyrus kicked off her "I Wasn't Killed By a Drunk Driver, Regardless of What My Hacked YouTube Page Sez! :D" tour with a stop at Ellen DeGeneres's show, which won't air until tomorrow. Ellen has become somewhat of a tween superstar guidance counselor in recent weeks, having lent Taylor Swift a shoulder to cry on as the country star recounted her brutal, half-minute Jonas brother tele-dumping. Cyrus, however, proved a tougher nut to crack, offering nothing but a series of guttural grunts and snorts in response to DeGeneres's line of underwear-model-boyfriend questioning. So embarrassed is she by the prospect of revealing the true nature of her relationship with the recipient of her obscene, catwalk-side tongue-gestures, Cyrus eventually tumbles sideways inside her chair—a bout of forced-coyness rendered all the more unsettling by her raspy giggles of fake embarrassment. *Shudder.* [Ellen]

It was odd, wasn't it, that Britain's Guardian, of all publications, was first to report Hillary Clinton planned to become Barack Obama'sSecretary of State? The paper's DC bureau chief, according to today's Observer, "said... his source said he could use the information as long as he didn’t source it." One tipster of ours, apparently speaking speculatively, is certain the source has to be Sidney Blumenthal, who was a senior unpaid campaign advisor to Clinton during her campaign, was an aide in Bill Clinton's White House and — key detail — has a column at the Guardian, presumably handled by the DC bureau, since that's where he lives.

Chris Matthews is becoming the Rodney Dangerfield of TV news hosts. Even his NBC colleagues at the Tonight Show give him no respect. Host Jay Leno just last week led with dashing Matthews competitor Anderson Cooper of CNN, who was first to sit on Leno's couch and got extra time to chat after a commercial break. Matthews? After flying to LA for the appearance, he came out last night after a segment called "Things We Found On eBay," two turns on the couch by self-styled redneck Larry The Cable Guy AND after a special skit involving Larry. Then Larry insulted Matthews with a joke about "The Chris Matthews Show," not realizing the program is known as Hardball (UPDATE: Joke's on me — that's an actual show! I guess Matthews looked annoyed at being interrupted so crudely, or somesuch). Leno awkwardly tries to salvage the situation in the clip after the jump.

Shep Smith's on-air response to an email flame broke several rules for fighting effectively on the internet: Don't give attention to a troll; don't let your opponent know when he's gotten under your skin; don't defend when you could be attacking. As such, the Fox News host's mounting rage against his small-fry critic doesn't deliver the same satisfaction as his other recent smackdowns. An especially ill-advised tactic: Trying to convince emailer "Mr. Fuentes" with an argument about the plight of Smith's "lawn-care maintenance guy." Since, you know, Señor Fuentes will surely understand an economic argument if it's translated into gardening terms. Click the video icon to watch. [via Johnny Dollar]

Surprisingly, everyone appears to have missed the subtle nuance in a chapter of comedian Denis Leary's book entitled "Autism, Schmautism." Go figure. Controversy arose after the Post excerpted a paragraph from Leary's Why We All Suck reading, in part, "I don't give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you - yer kid is NOT autistic." Last night Leary appeared on the Daily Show to explain that he was quoted out of context, and in reality was taking a sophisticated stand on the scientific mystery of surging autism cases:

· You know, the new youth-skewed and sexed-up Star Trek does seem uncomfortably well-suited for the 90210 market. We bet there's even a part for Tori Spelling! [Thanks, Metroville] · Sacha Baron Cohen has a brother: Erran Baron Cohen. And Erran Baron Cohen has a record: Songs in the Key of Hanukkah. Want to know more? Oh. Well here's the link anyway. · We don't know what Peter Bart is complaining about: Variety has plenty of Oscar consideration ads! They just happen to be two years old. · Cause we're basically a sucker for Videogum's Gabriel Delahaye, here's a video about making the perfect fauxhawk or something. · Glad to see our fake Bruno title is alive and well Down Under. It. Won't. Die. · Speaking of Australia—like, no offense, but can't you get some less freakish-looking celebrities for your movie premieres?

We honestly wish there was some way we could dress up NBC rock star Ben Silverman's appearance on Charlie Rose last night as something more than two talking heads—albeit enviably bone-structured heads—covering the nuts and bolts of programming strategy in a 21st century, multi-platform TV jungle. Unfortunately, there isn't. So we're instead going to do the next best thing: Write some Ben on Charlie fanfic. It's after the jump!When Ben Met Charlie Chapter One: First Impressions Charlie sat in his dressing room, staring into his mirror with a paper-towel bib tucked into his shirt collar, as Joy the makeup girl dabbed concealer beneath his eyes. "No point, Joy," he said. "Couldn't hide those puffy things with cement and a trowel." "Oh Charlie," she laughed. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You're as handsome as ever." Why was he so self-conscious? He was a broadcast icon. He had interviewed heads of state, captains of industry, sports heroes and movie stars. Yet none of them disarmed him the way today's guest did—a young, handsome and charismatic network TV president whose swift rise to power he had admired from afar. A knock at the door shook Charlie back into the moment. "Come in," he said. The first thing he saw were the brows—strong and angular, and peaked towards the ends. Then he wandered slightly downward, to the nose. It was a powerful nose—a hit-sniffing nose if he had ever seen one. For a split second, he migrated up to the eyes—mesmerizing!—but quickly landed on his visitor's full, cranberry lips. They opened to speak. "Charlie—" "Ben!" Charlie said leaping up, pulling his bib out of his shirt as he threw out a hand. Ben took it in his. It felt strong, Charlie thought, and large. New, yet familiar. It was comforting. Suddenly feeling extraneous, Joy used the moment to slink out of the room. "I just wanted to say hello before the interview." "Of course, of course—please, come in. Have a—" he looked around nervously for a chair, and spotted one leaning against a shelf filled with hardcover books, most only barely thumbed through. "Have a seat! Are you a scotch man?" "Tequila, usually, but scotch will do in a pinch," Ben replied, smiling. A knock at the door alerted both men they were needed on set. Next: Chapter 2: A Game of Wits And Footsie

The recurrent bitchiness between Michael Wolff and NBC's Ben Silverman usually lapsed back into polite chatter at the Monaco Media Summit, judging from the lengthy YouTube video of a panel discussion at the Monte Carlo event. But one can't help but wonder if would-be internet mogul Wolff was more personally invested in his reference to television networks as the scapegoated "trash heap of everybody's expectations" than he let on. And calling Silverman "functionally digitally illerate" was just plain mean, as was using a vulgar expletive to refer to old media. But then sublimated envy and resentment are kind of Wolff's calling cards, so no harm, no foul! Click the video icon to watch the fireworks.

Larry King's interview with "pregnant man" Thomas Beatie, now expecting his second child, was a new landmark in uncomfortable television. The CNN host asked if Beatie (formerly a woman) "felt gay," if his wife "felt gay," if the pregnancy might violate the U.S. Constitution and then he gave this sort of dissatisfied grunt when wife Nancy tried to say she knew her husband was a man in his heart. Maybe King, having wed seven times, was just jealous that someone has had a more diverse marriage experience than he has. Click the video icon to watch.

· Uh—we think we just saw Chris Matthews grab two heaping handfuls of Ellen DeGeneres. · Heather Locklear was charged with a misdemeanor DUI. The complaint alleges she was driving under the influence of drugs; "to wit: prescription medications." The florid language didn't end there, as the filing went on to state "that which we call OxyContin by any other generic name would impair as sweetly; Heather! Doff thy name, and for that name which if no part of thee, takest while riding most heavy of machineries." · Having trouble figuring out what today's TRL finale means for a nation at historical crossroads? Idolator explains. · The first reviews of Australia from Down Under suggest it has "has international blockbuster written all over it," and "is certainly not one destined to be a classic." · Yes, we all know Prince told The New Yorker he doesn't approve of "people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever," over a nice plate of soup. But what kind of soup? Starfish and Coffee soup? Cream of AwwoooooooahHundalasiliah soup? Turns out it was just carrot, but BWE.tv let their imaginations run wild.

Entourage last night offered a fairly brisk half-hour that balanced the science fiction of Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Turtle displaying palpable screen chemistry with a fairly easier-to-swallow story involving Vinnie getting fired by a Wolfgang Petersen-type on the set of the extremely timely Smoke Jumpers. As Ari desperately tries to get the director replaced, loyal assistant/stapler target Lloyd runs through a list of names, offering only commode-demolishing Zack and Miri director Kevin Smith as being available. The suggestion tees up another Ari sledgehammer—we won't give it away except to say Red Velvet gluttony is involved—which elicited this reaction from Smith on his message board:

Where do you mine for easy laughs when you no longer have the most satirizable election in history at your disposal? In SNL's case, that would be the Gays, a topic this week's Paul Rudd-hosted episode visited and revisited so often, we lost count. And where does the show stand on the subject, in this, arguably the most important week for gay civil rights in history? Enjoy the highlight reel above, accompanied by this handy synopsis: · The fun starts with a sketch about an overly affectionate family that builds to Samberg making out with Fred Armisen for no apparent reason. · Then there was a legitimately funny Digital Short in which Rudd and Samberg paint each other naked, that ends in what has to be the most violent scene in the show's history. (If the episode had a secondary theme, it would be guns blowing people's heads off.)· Moving along, we have a carload of seemingly straight guys admitting shocking things in song, that—surprise!—starts with Jason Sudeikis admitting he had sex with a male cab driver. · Here's where things get really interesting. Seth Meyers introduces the topic of Prop 8 on Weekend Update. The crowd boos, which annoys the anchor, who admonishes them by saying, "OK. Vote's over." What follows is an over-the-top flaming Bobby Moynihan as Hanna-Barbera character Snagglepuss, who decries Prop 8, but denies he himself is gay. He finally admits it, and says he has a "partner"—the Great Gazoo. · A parody of Beyonce's "Put A Ring On It" video featuring backup dancers Justin Timberlake, Moynihan, and Samberg in high heels and leotards. They could have played this straight, and it would have been funnier, but instead they lisp and mince the way gay people do (that's supposed to be sarcasm for those of you currently wearing your fierce, Tom Ford irony-ray-blocking sunglasses), and it gets old kind of quick. · Another direct reaction to Prop 8 features yet two more characters in the closet—tough guy parking attendants played by Rudd and Bill Hader. The humor derives from the fact that they are so in denial about their homosexuality, they act as if their random sex acts in bathrooms, and with each other, is all a joke. It ends with them proposing to each other and talking about how excited they are to have a wedding. Before you leap into the comments to either defend the material as hilarious and that's all that matters, or decry it as ugly stereotyping that couldn't come at a more insensitive moment, we'd just like to remind you all of one thing, OK? Vote's over.

· Rob Lowe reported live from a burning Montecito on Oprah today, where 100 homes and a minimum 2500 acres have already been engulfed in the flames. The part where he carried Stedman and Mr. Man to safety on his back was truly inspiring. · Joe Jonas responds to Taylor Swift's "25-second phone-dump" smear campaign on his MySpace page: "A phone call can be pretty short when someone else ends the call. The only difference in this conversation was that I shared something the other person did not want to hear." A fan rep issued this response: "JooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeIloveyouomigaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" · You were poked by: Raging Anti-Gypsysite Italian Neo-Nazi. poke back|remove · We think we know just the thing to make you the hit of this year's church pro-life bake sale! [via BoingBoing] · Got my girlfriend to model for my car (PICS)

Now that the Communist Party has gone after Bond girl Olga Kurylenko for becoming "movie kept girl of capitalist super stud," the actress has been freed to divulge all about her humble, Socialist upbringing. Just how humble was it? Well, as Kurylenko tells Jimmy Kimmel, she was kept locked in a fridge until she reached maturity (in Soviet Russia, you see, fridge owns you).Then, when pressed by Kimmel about injuries suffered while making the film, Kurylenko one-upped her co-star Gemma Arterton by claiming she lost not just a superfluous sixth finger but a third arm as well! Hmmm, a third arm... there's gotta be a 007 sexual innuendo in there somewhere...

After Barbara Walters spilled the beans yesterday to her fellow Viewesses that Thomas Beatie—aka Coney Island's World Famous Pregnant Man ("$1 Gets A Glimpse At God's Pickle-Craving Mistake!")—was heavy with yet another biologically improbable child, the shit really hit the fan. They've had 24 hours to absorb the news, however, and today were ready to really tackle the nitty-gritty of this procreative mind-twister. In Part One, above, Walters describes the logistics of F2M sex, which she summarized in six reverberating words that could drain much of the hope-capital amassed in recent weeks: "The testosterone made his clitoris lahger." After the jump, the group tries to figure out how Beatie's wife ended up lactating when her husband did all the childbearing heavy-lifting. Of course, none of this is virgin territory for Walters, who memorably profiled grade school transgenders—one she sensitively described as "a girl with a dick"—in her legendary 20/20 special, My Secret Self.

CNN anchor and precious treasure Anderson Cooper was on the Tonight Show last night, and, in between digressions into world affairs, host Jay Leno asked about his well-documented love for the reality show Real Housewives of Atlanta, and specifically for star NeNe Leakes. Shrewd as ever, Leno then teased Cooper for clearly favoring Leakes for her ample bosom, at which point Cooper abruptly changed the subject. When asked at a different point in the conversation about the inevitability of holographic porn, Cooper abruptly brought up making holograms of wrestlers. Leno must have been wondering about that, because wrestlers tend to lack ample bosoms! Click the video icon to unlock the mystery for yourself.

Even moreso than the Times, Fox News can't seem to let go of trite and clichéd red state-blue state dichotomies, even in the face of Barack Obama's bountiful harvest of "red" electoral votes. Exhibit A: Bill O'Reilly warning Daily Show host Jon Stewart not to visit the "center-right" South on pain of death, and criticizing his "Greenwich Village... crew." We wouldn't be speaking in some kind of code here, would we Bill? And your viewers are used to you referring to them as a bunch of bloodthirsty animals? Ah right, they get the "joke." (Click the thumbnail to watch.)