· We really don't know what ET expected to get out of this interview with the stars of a porn version of Facts of Life, but we'll just consider ourselves lucky we never got to meet Mrs. Garrett and Jo. · Videogum lays out a compelling conspiracy web implicating Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Abraham Lincoln, and Elton John. · We hear there was a hot Cartman boys' shower scene that never made it to the final cut of South Park's ode to High School Musical last night. · Bush gives the shocker. · On Tom Colicchio's Top Chef blog, the judge admitted that the smell of fresh bear blood on freshly sliced apples drove him wild with desire. (Actually that's just how it played out in our heads.)

At last, after having nothing but a meager pile of magazine clippings and hearsay to rely upon throughout this entire ordeal, we have Jennifer Aniston in the flesh to set us straight on what Angelina Jolie's adoptive people have already dubbed L'affair uncool. On trusted confidante (who doesn't mind spilling your private business on America's TVs for her own ratings gain) Oprah Winfrey's show today, the host hoisted a Post-It-littered Vogue bearing the five words heard round the world. It was a coverline so powerful, it managed to push Obama off the front page of the NY Times, who instead ran a 30-pt headline that read, "Amid a Climate of Hope, Tensions Between Warring Starlets Flare." In her trademark stammer, the former Friends star it admits she indeed said, "What Angelina did was very uncool," but it was just one of many responses she answered "as honestly as I could. I don't go there. I mean, it's 100 years old, for Christ's sake." If ever we wanted a girl to go, it was Aniston, at that moment. [Oprah]

United States President George W. Bush gave a speech today about the perilous financial crisis that threatens to plunge our nation into a prolonged recession from hell. As you'll see when you click to watch this skillful video compilation, Mr. Bush has a genetic inability to deliver a single god damn sentence containing Very Serious News without adding his stupid smirk at the end. In and of itself it's sort of a tragicomic statement on the nature of the last eight years. But it's much scarier when you consider the reality of our situation: we don't really even have a president right now. Obama's people have been repeating the mantra "One president at a time" over and over, like some sort of magic political talisman. Barack has no desire to get too involved at the moment, because politically that would mean taking on lot of responsibility without technically having any power. And Bush is just sleepwalking through his last few months. He's not just a lame duck, he's a lame duck who everyone despises. He couldn't get anything accomplished even if he wanted to. Which he doesn't. He wants to play with Barney and keep quiet enough to maybe land that Commissioner of Baseball gig a few years down the line. Neither of those things would be all that bad if we weren't mired in a financial crisis of epic proportions. Because when a crisis happens somebody has to be in charge. And if Bush isn't, and Barack isn't, you know who is? Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson! John Crudele has already taken to referring to him as "de facto president of the US." Which is not too far off the mark! And hey, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have a guy like Paulson in charge of all the most important decisions, considering they're in his field of expertise? Psht! This is the same guy whose original idea for solving this mess was to give all power to the Treasury to do whatever it wanted, with no challenges permitted. Paulson changed the focus of the bailout package for the third time yesterday. Third time! It doesn't inspire confidence, nor should it. In conclusion, our fake-elected bad president has no desire or incentive to do anything. Our actual president-elect: the same, until January. Our de facto president is incentivized and predisposed to focus solely on helping Wall Street. And everyone's money is disappearing in the meantime. Also, Iran. Hope nothing bad happens for the next three months!

You really have to sympathize with The View's braintrust, whose knowledge of topics like arts and science, current events, and the general shape of the planet is mostly limited to whatever producers can fit on a 5x8 cue card. Watching them try to argue the fundamental issues behind the Prop 8 firestorm is about as productive as watching four black-crested macaques change a spare tire—you know they'll get there eventually, but you're looking at many grueling hours of mutual nit-picking before they do.So when the group's impotent disciplinarian Barbara Walters returned from a recent interview with the World Famous Pregnant Man™ bearing the earth-shattering scoop that HE IS PREGNANT AGAIN, one can only imagine how quickly things devolved. The bombshell sucked the show into a Bermuda Triangle vortex of shock and confusion, tethered at each corner by the hosts' tenuous yet deeply passionate takes on hot topics like marriage, gender, and multiple-abortion-having. Words like "floored," "What the Hell Wednesday," and "woooowwwww" are soon lobbed about, until Elisabeth Hasselbeck—go figure!—is the one to finally rein in her wits, boring straight to the crux of this 21st century metaphysical mystery by observing: "Having another baby 10 months from now? That is hard work. 15 months apart? That's the hardest thing yet!" So true, so very true. [The View]

Quantum of Solace opens tomorrow, and will likely draw out every stripe of James Bond fan. (Except the George Lazenby contingent, who all these years later still feel the On Her Majesty's Secret Service and The Kentucky Fried Movie star was wrongly stripped of his double-o status.) But as audiences thrill to the secret agent's adventures battling the nefarious Dr. Heinrick Discord and his plans to detonate the planet using a sympathy-powered nuclear device, some of the touchstones of the Bond brand—the gadgets, the martinis, and, most of all, the cringe-worthy double-entendres—will be nowhere on display.Ex-Bond Roger Moore has recently voiced his disappointment over the character's devolution into a monosyllabic id, lumbering around hotel lobbies and breaking necks in skimpy gay swimwear. "My Bond," he said wistfully, "was a lover and a giggler." Yes, we remember him well—so it's in his honor that we dedicate the above montage we call Five Decades of James Bond Sex Puns. We hope it Moonrakes your Octopussies off. (Thanks to Nick McGlynn for putting this together, and Maxim for finding the clips.)

The new lean, mean, blue-eyed killin' machine James Bond movie Quantum of Solace comes out on Friday! It's exciting, I guess, because 2006's Casino Royale franchise reboot was good and whatnot, but judging from early clips and reviews we've eyeballed, there's something missing. It's that spark, that joie de vivre, that sense of humor that colored the older films. We're talking, of course, about the sex puns. There may have been one or two in Royale, but they weren't nearly as good as the creaky old ones about something suddenly "coming up," or the more recent delightful Pierce Brosnan clunker "I thought Christmas only comes once a year," which he said while boning a lady named Christmas Jones. Terrific. Luckily for us, Maxim (natch) has put together a list of the punny best, and our video wunderkind Nick McGlynn smushed them all together into one handy video. Click above to enjoy it. (Was that a sex pun?)

Because there is no morning so terrible that it cannot be rendered less terrible with some one-on-one time with Jake Gyllenhaal in a cleavage-enhancing under-chemise, we bring you this ET footage from the set of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time—a Jerry Bruckheimerian extravaganza the superproducer says will be cinema's greatest headdress-and-scimitar-heavy triumph since Lawrence of Arabia. If you listen carefully, you can hear smacking sounds coming from the reporter as she gets her first taste of Jake's "convincing" accent (like the hunky love child of Peter O'Toole and Helen Mirren), then later observes, "There's been so much buzzz about your physeeque!" There certainly has been—some of it emanating from Defamer HQ as worker drones vigorously rubbed their wings together to this photo. Though it doesn't open until May 2010, we can hardly wait to check out Jake's vast array of camel-gadgets.

It's not that Shep Smith has suddenly had a liberal change of heart. The Fox News Channel anchor was shouting about his ideological independence back in February. It's that Smith seems to have become more vigorous and visible lately about setting himself apart from conservative pundits like Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. His Tuesday smackdown of a comedian who said the media was "in the tank" for Barack Obama followed recent defenses of the Democratic president-elect to Ralph Nader and Joe The Plumber, plus cutesy little digs at Hannity and O'Reilly. It's all after the jump.

Click to viewThe immense former Port Authority building where Google now does business in Manhattan has an impressive history. Truck drivers once drove onto elevators and motored around the building's upper floors. Today, the place has been Googlefied with snacks, ping-pong tables, and a jillion Legos. Free scooters let staffers zip one part of the supersize building to another. But the best thing about this video? Google Docs manager Jonathan Rochelle talks up his office for 2 minutes and 42 seconds without once using the word "cool." We just wish The Big Money's camera crew had shown us the 50,000 sq. ft. Google is emptying out for sublease, too.

John McCain wants to be liked again. His unenviable job as the Republican presidential nominee was to derail the campaign of the first black president and to defend an unpopular party, and he only made things worse for himself by getting blatantly underhanded toward the end of everything. His performance last night on the Tonight Show — the jokes, the occasional concession to a mildly pointed question from Jay Leno, the self deprecation — seemed designed, if only subconsciously, to invoke the McCain of the 2000 campaign bus, beloved by the press, or of the October Al Smith dinner, who was seriously funny, or the candidate who made a conciliatory concession speech to an angry crowd.

Pop-country tween phenomenon Taylor Swift dropped by Ellen today to promote a new album of songs that tap deep into the wells of heartache she's already amassed in her scant 18 years on this planet. The most achy-breaky of all? Her breakup with dreamy-haired Jonas brother Joe, about whom she says pragmatically, "One day...I won't be able to remember the boy that broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18." What follows is a thunderous wave of "Ohhhhhhwaaahhhhhhwhoooooooaaaa" from the audience we think is supposed to encapsulate their shock, sympathy, and outrage over the callous tele-dumping. While we feel for the singer, we too are certain there's far more worthy suitors in her future, and she'll chalk this experience up to yet more grist for the country-song mill, culminating in a CMA-winning composition entitled, "I Need Your Lovin' (Like I Need A Fartin' Dog in My Dodge)." [Ellen]

We've already expressed to you how American Idol runner-up David Archuleta could literally save the world. How big an Archie fan are we? Let's put it this way: You see that video above us? We're the one in the orange shirt and glasses. Well, we've just downloaded his debut CD on iTunes, made available today, and have jotted down our thoughts on every track. Our occasionally tear-smudged first impressions follow:1. "Crush"

While we're over here getting our little heads upset about the pending Obama-inspired CRISIS OF COMEDY, fretting that there's only one extant Black President joke and desperately enlisting comedians to offer advice on humorous lines of attack on our hopey new leader, The Daily Show is going about its business as usual, being funny! Now I just feel dumb. Comedy Central Insider puts this crisis in perspective:

Ted Turner: simultaneously a crazy old coot and a totally awesome and admirable ex-media mogul! The CNN founder is out promoting his new autobiography, which gives him a chance to go on and on and on about his pet grudge, the scalawags at Time Warner who blew up his fortune by merging with AOL. Dude, it was only seven billion. Let it go! Here he is on David Letterman talking about how CNN sucks these days, without him, Ted Turner, around. Ted, we sincerely want you to come back, you crazy, crazy wild man. It would be great for us. He was also interviewed at the Time/Life building today, where he talked about nothing but how much Time Warner sucks (and prairie dogs):

Listen up, voters: It was not Sarah Palin's idea to try and fool you by wearing fancy clothes she would not normally have anything to do with! The Republican National Committee bought an opulent $150,000 wardrobe for her and seven family members before she even showed up at the convention, the former vice presidential nominee told Fox News Channel's Greta Von Susteren Tuesday night. The legendary MAVERICK was just "goin' with the flow... if that's the way they do this." She's never even been to a Saks or Neiman Marcus. Why on earth is she telling everyone this now?

· Lance Bass told Jay Leno he came back from Russian cosmonaut training two inches shorter, which is why he tends to wear high heels now. · A riot broke out at a San Francisco mall today where Twilight star Robert Pattinson was appearing, with "one fan was trampled" and another's "nose broken as a result of being crushed up against the front doors to the mall." The event was canceled. TMZ has some video, but it's not nearly at goth-rampage-tastic as we had hoped. · South African Singer Miriam Makeba died on stage in Italy today of a heart attack at age 76. · After 10 years, KCRW music director and Morning Becomes Eclectic host Nic Harcourt is stepping down, though he'll still host a three-hour show on Sunday nights. · Time to take the Wonkette Which Emanuel Brother Am I? personality quiz!

When it comes to beloved TV childhood memories gone sour, it seems few shows deliver with the consistency and longevity of The Brady Bunch—more specifically, the mother's side of the family. From little Cindy's 8:30 a.m. hangover upchuck on live talk radio, to Marcia's syphilis-fueled cocaine binges at the bottom of a 40-person Playboy Mansion man-castle, it seems these lovely girls with hair of gold have seen their fair share of hard livin'.But what of Jan—the oft-forgotten middle-child, who had seemingly clung to the straight-and-narrow? Well, if this clip from the Brady Week edition of the new, Christopher "Peter" Knight-hosted Trivial Pursuit: America Plays is any indication, Eve—while far from the most badass of the Brady bad girls—can drop a well-placed F-bomb with the best of them. (And yes, the scandalized fellow to her left is Mike "Bobby" Lookinland. According to the show's website, Maureen "Marcia" McCormick—estranged from Plumb since she spread rumors the two had experimented with Bradysexuality—was the only no-show. Hmmm...) [YouTube via VampireHours]

Last night's True Blood finally gave us some hard answers as to why hunky, lovelorn bar owner Sam Merlotte occasionally will pause from restocking the beer case to scratch behind his ear with his foot: He's a shapeshifter! "Shut the fuck up," you're likely saying, much as vampire-sexing cocktail waitress Sookie did when she first beheld her boss's amazing trick. (She was equally blown away by his ability to balance a biscuit on his nose without eating it, and say something that sounds a lot like "Obama!")Yes, it seems vampires aren't the only supernatural B-movie entities the population of Bon Temps has to mingle with on a regular basis. Sam was kind enough to lay out the shapeshifting rules: 1. He can turn into any animal, but leans towards dogs, because everyone loves a dog. 2. He needs an actual animal to use as the shapeshifting blueprint. 3. He can't do humans—too complex. 4. He can usually control the impulse, except on a full-moon night, at which point he can only turn back into a human once he falls asleep. 5. But that DOESN'T make him a werewolf—got it? But yes, werewolves do exist. 6. There's several thousand other shapeshifters out there, but he hasn't found them, and he doesn't know if it runs in genealogy because he was adopted. (And abandoned.) That still leaves a lot of questions unanswered: Should you feed your shapeshifter gluten-free kibble? What do you do if your shapeshifter doesn't get along well with other shapeshifters at the shapeshifter run? With only two episodes left, we doubt we'll learn everything there is to know about the ductile species. In the meantime, enjoy the above montage of Sam doing what he does best. Good boy! Attaboy, Sam! Whozagooboy? Yes you are!

Charlie Rose is just showing off. Back in June, he had all the Emanuels on! No one has done that, before, and no one will probably do it again for some time, so Charlie replayed the episode to rub it in, that he had new Obama Chief of Staff Rahm "Rahmbo" Emanuel, Hollywood super-agent Ari Emanuel, and the mysterious other one, Dr. Ezekiel "Zeke" Emanuel, the medical ethicist, all in his weird featureless void of a studio, all at once. Watch this clip and join us in the alarming conclusion that Rahm, the intense political hatchet-man, is actually the calmest Emanuel. How did Charlie Rose manage to book all the Emanuels on one show? So many have tried, but this is the only time we've ever seen it. The secret, we're told, is start with the doctor. Once Zeke, the eldest, is on board, Ari and Rahm are obligated to follow suit. And, man, family dinners with the Emanuels are clearly terrible. You never get a word in edgewise and they'll all be brawling by the end of it. Still, you ladies seem to like this Rahm, so here he is, enjoy.

60 Minutes did a segment on Chinese people who live and work among "e-waste," the recyclable-yet-toxic remains of discarded consumer electronics devices. An Engadget reader dug up this longer, more yucky Current documentary. I'm going to get a sandwich, so I can fall to my knees and thank God for it.