If you're looking to get wasted on national television, look no further than cocktail expert Martha Stewart. On last night's Conan, sweet-as-sugar Stewart instructed Conan on how to mix his own cocktails as a nod to O'Brien's Irish heritage. Though the very highbrow (and very femme) clover-adorned fruity drinks looked just scrumptious, Conan preferred chugging some gold old-fashioned Guinness instead. While it takes more than a few beers to eradicate all of that loveable trademark nervous energy that he brings to the Late Night set five nights a week, Martha tried her best to get Conan tipsy.

Seemingly unstoppable late night force Jay Leno has already demonstrated that he needs no writers to conquer his time slot: Audiences looking for non-addictive insomnia cures and lovemaking soundtracks clearly prefer Leno's middling presence and chirpy joke-delivery over his more cantankerous competitors. For whatever reason, however, the management at NBC decided four years ago that Leno required an expiration date, unfeelingly stamping the host on the forehead with a "BEST BEFORE 2009" notice, and designating Conan O'Brien as his successor. Now, a full two years before his contract expires, rival networks and studios are unfurling their green, high-currency plumage, and doing the late-night mating dance for the still viable talk show host. The NY Times reports:

Because we here at Defamer are always willing to do our part to dispel myths, hoaxes, and pretty obviously arranged comedy bits on late night TV, we now reach deep into the "Yo Defamer — WTF???" submission box hanging outside HQ, and fish out an index card dropped by one of our confounded readers:

Last night on Conan, Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange showed us exactly why he's become one of the most reliably effed up talk show guests to come down the pike in a long while. After making fun of previous guest Randy Jackson, Artie proceeded to explain why he's called in sick to the Stern show for the past few days. Here's a hint: he ran out of cocaine!

Silver-maned CNN heartthrob Anderson Cooper's New Year's Resolution was to "blog more." And blog more he has, taking time during the commercial breaks of his nightly CNN program to join in the online discussion of the events of the day. But, as he explained last night to Conan O'Brien, this allows his "stalkers" to find him. Stalkers like the woman—"clearly deranged," in the words of Cooper—who crashed his book signing and made him take a crazy letter. Then, King of Comedy-style, she ended up in his waiting limo. Thanks to blogging, and to bloggers like us, and like him, stalking Anderson Cooper is apparently not that hard. It's easier than stalking Conan, as we learn in the anecdote's surprise twist ending. Full clip attached. [NBC]

Ah, no one says it like Tim Gunn, revered style swami and champion of dandy diplomacy, who can tell you everything you need to know about the dumpy hunchbackwear you've got on with nothing more than a fist pressed to his lips and a deep furrowing of his Sharpei-like brow. If anyone can get away with skewering the sartorial challenges facing our past and present leaders, it is he. Appearing on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Gun was utterly unwowed by what was going on below President Bush's ankles: Taken separately, a pair of black Crocs and Air Force One socks might work, but there was virtually no excuse for wearing the two together (short of perhaps currying favor with the German Chancellor at the next G7 Summit).

It's tough out there for Neil Patrick Harris. First, the evil geniuses behind Harold & Kumar force him to film scenes atop a sparkly unicorn. Now, those nefarious producers at PBS have cast him on Sesame Street as a character called The Shoe Fairy. After telling Conan's audience that he "loves puppets!" and misunderstanding their muffled laughs, Harris goes on to give us a sample of what those sneaky writers put in his script:

Oh hey, Conan made fun of Jane Fonda's little cursing episode on yesterday's Today too! In his once-again professionally written monologue, O'Brien discussed the incident, then presented two little-seen clips of Ms. Fonda enjoying the word "cunt" in earlier performances.

The writers strike is truly, finally, mercifully over. Here's what it means to you, the crazed television junkie hustling madly for your next fix: Writers come back right away for Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Tina Fey hustles Saturday Night Live back on the air Feb. 23rd as host while her show 30 Rock may or may not get five episodes out before the end of the season, depending on Alec Baldwin's availability. Scripted shows that will return at all this season will come back roughly between mid-March and mid-April, including CSI, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men, the Office, Grey's Anatomy and House. Heroes probably returns in the fall, torture-fest 24 not until next year. The point is, start clearing space on your TiVo yesterday. After the jump, union booster Fey's 30 Rock character takes in a lesson in hardball negotiation tactics — for managers — in an episode the WGA probably did not watch closely enough.

The Harvard Lampoon's weak "prank" of inviting Paris Hilton to speak on campus was a clumsy coda to far more clever Lampoon stunts of yore. Take Conan O'Brien's 1984 shenanigans involving Robin from TV's "Batman and Robin" and a ruthless kidnapping.

For those of you requiring context for the disturbingly violent cross-network brawl between Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart you're about to witness, a feud recently erupted between O'Brien and Colbert over their dueling claims of having made Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee candidacy viable (ignoring, of course, The Chuck Norris factor).

O'Brien spent 16 years hosting Late Night with Conan O'Brien...followed by the "Team Coco" kerfuffle that eventually landed him on TBS.

· NBC Universal's Conanfield has reinvigorated the moribund monologue-monster-attack genre! A triumph!
· The Bachelor's most memorable season finale dumpee gets a second chance at fake-love.
· Star Jones has been "rebranded" right out of a job.
· Isabella Rossellini has moved on to bug porn. [via BoingBoing]
· This year's Super Bowl ads will be "gentle and sweet"; except, you know, for that one where Justin Timberlake gets repeatedly smashed in the junk.

No, Conan O'Brien isn't scheduled to take over the festering pustule of unfunniness that The Tonight Show has become under Jay Leno's whine of terror until 2009, but he's making it abundantly clear that there will be no lingering goodbyes for the Chin by buying a big ol' mess of real estate right in his backyard. Yes, this is how multimillionaire nerds thumb their noses at each other, with 8.5 bathrooms and 10-foot ceilings, so take that, Leno! But ginormous ceilings are only the half of it...

Conan O'Brien, still struggling to fill out a nightly talk show without his striking writers, came upon a cunning, time-wasting plan last night: forcing his guests to make it through a maze before sitting down with him. The first guest subjected to the cardboard labyrinth was venerated newsman Tom Brokaw. Brokaw was game, as you can see in the attached clip. SAG-affiliated actors across the entertainment industry are presumably thrilled the picket lines give them a better excuse to turn down Late Night than "I'm barely coordinated enough to intro a clip, let alone make it through a rat maze." [Late Night]

The WGA's displeasure with The Tonight Show host Jay Leno's self-penned monologues only continues to grow—while Conan O'Brien seems to get a pass, exempt under the "Actually Funny" clause—to the point where NBC has felt the need to issue a statement on the matter. Meanwhile, with SAG boycotting decrees making it increasing difficult to get even B-list asses on non-Worldwide Pants couches, the comedian has found an unlikely ally in another late night rival:

· Overcoming the apparently mild inconvenience of putting on shows without their striking writers, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien still triumphed over fully staffed talk-show rivals David Letterman and Craig Ferguson in Wednesday night's Nielsen battle. In fairness to the WGA-approved programs, however, it should be noted that many viewers might have chosen to tune in to Leno out of irresistible curiosity about how unfunny the host would be on his own. [THR]
· Though the Golden Globes briefly harbored hope that the Writers Guild might give them a waiver for their rapidly approaching awards show, the WGA isn't going to cut them a break and still plans to picket. [Variety]

Our obsessive (and, quite frankly, exhausting) documentation of The Return of Late Night is finally complete with this clip of Conan O'Brien's monologue (click the thumbnail above to watch it), one that was easily the most successful of tonight's offerings. Not only did O'Brien express his unequivocal solidarity with his absent writers' cause (not a picketing-related gripe here, ahem) and give them much-deserved credit for the comedy miracle that is the Masturbating Bear, he debuted a Strike Beard even more impressive than Letterman's; whereas Dave's new facial hair broadcasts grizzled, "I choked a drifter to death just to watch him die" menace, Conan's—the first of his life, he claims—is all Rankin-and-Bass-inspired auburn magic.