A Wired News staffer, thankful that Condé Nast has rescued the company from Lycos, sends a hilariously telling schwag shot.

Remember back in May, when we told you about the woman running around pretending to be Jane fashion director Kusum Lynn? Well, according to WWD, Lynn caught up with her impostor at a recent party for Gucci, and... it turned out to be a dude. A dude with a history of impersonating Conde Nast employees. How'd it all play out?

BusinessWeek's story on the purchase of Wired News is worse than useless. Writer Jon Fine (pictured here in his New Media glasses) rushed out a piece as thoroughly researched as a Gawker Media blog post.

While you burn your tongue on loveless Sanka and nibble your stale Otis Spunkmeyer muffin, let your eyes drool over the inaugural menu for the latest feat of Conde Nast, their new Star Trek cafeteria located at the former Fairchild offices at 750 Third Avenue. Today employees will be treated to food from the Dominican Republic, like chicken chicharron, or the more timid may enjoy grilled swordfish with graffita and eggplant caponata. Since the joint is wrapping up its first week of operation, it's okay to eat a little, just this once, in honor of the occasion. But don't even think about touching the fried calamari and chipotle mayo. That's just there to test your fat ass.

Now that Wired News is reunited with Wired proper, the healing process can begin for the tiny online outlet. An industry reporter told Valleywag just what Wired needs to do.

• Another Apple Store in Manhattan? Are you fucking kidding us? [Curbed]
• The Constitution does not allow Times photographers to take pictures of bridges. It's, like, written in a secret amendment or something. [The Daily Politics]
• WWD, left high and dry by the departure of media reporter Jeff Bercovici and the impending escape of Sara James, hires Irin Carmon, who graduated from Harvard two days ago and has since been freelancing all over the damn place. [The Media Mob]
• On behalf of America, Adam Carolla hangs up on Ann Coulter. [Chortler]
• A Spin without Andy Pemberton means a Spin without a sex columnist. Say goodbye to Joanna Angel. [FishbowlNY]
• The Conde Nast cafeteria comes to the newly absorbed Fairchild, bringing with it a spaceship atmosphere and Balthazar croissants. [NYO]
• Come this fall, figure skater Johnny Weir shake his thing on the Bryant Park runway for Heatherette. You go, girl. [NewNowNext]

When Condé Nast announced last night that it bought Wired News, the press acted like Wired was rescuing a desperate crew of disaster survivors. According to a friend of Valleywag at Wired HQ, that's exactly what happened.

The publisher of Wired Magazine bought long-lost Wired News from Lycos, eight years after the two Wireds got split up. But what happens now?

Condé Nast, owners of Wired Magazine, just bought Wired News from Lycos. All sides are cheering because Wired finally rescued its long-lost brother. Eight years ago, Wired Ventures couldn't afford to run independently. The firm had to sell its print division to Condé Nast and its digital division to Lycos. Since then, the Wired brand has been fractured.

Yesterday, Page Six noted that the character of Emily, the fantastically bitchy senior assistant in Devil Wears Prada, was very much based on a real Vogue assistant, though she goes unnamed in the item. We put it out there and, per usual, you responded: Leslie Fremar was Anna Wintour's top slave during Lauren Weisberger's stint as her #2. She's now a stylist (which would corroborate P6's report that she turned to freelance after Vogue) and, in our opinion, she looks rather nice for a "a vindictive and malcontent person determined to make everyones' lives as miserable as hers." Besides, if Fremar in any way tortured Weisberger, she can't be all bad.

Squeezed in at the bottom of his column, Keith Kelly reports that after 3 1/2 years at the Observer, marathon media reporter Gabriel Sherman is leaving the poor pink paper for the gilded gates of Conde Nast. Specifically, he'll be a staff writer for their forthcoming business glossy, Portfolio, where he'll never get his face-time with Robert De Niro. On the switch from media whore to regular whore, Sherman tells Gawker:

The almost-but-not-quite-jailed Time magger will be the new business mag's Washington editor, according to a press release just issued. It's not just yet another attention-grabbing hire for the mag, but it also answers the what-now-for-Matt question, which has been percolating since his near-imprisonment for refusing to testify in the Plame case. He had been Time's White House correspondent when he was subpoenaed the special prosecutor, but he couldn't really go back to that gig after all that legal brouhaha. A vet of all three newsweeklies, it seemed unlikely he'd go back to one of the other two. And his current gig, editing for Time.com, didn't seem — even in Time Inc.'s current we-love-the-web moment — a natural fit for a high-powered reporter type like him. Conde — and, no especially, a Conde salary — takes care of all that rather nicely, don't it?

Like any scheming young lady, WWD's Sara James spends her rainy days flipping through bridal magazines. A girl's gotta be prepared, after all. But in the July/August issue of Brides, James' daydreaming was interrupted by the uncomfortable image at right: honorary Conde exec Steve Florio and his daughter, Kelly. Kelly, an events coordinator at Vogue, was married in Key Largo in November, an occasion marked with no less than a three-day, Tuscan-themed ceremony with a street fair and an opera and a feature in a Conde publication. So sad to see a young marriage quickly tarnished with media incest.

• So the Czech Republic handed the U.S. team its ass on a platter, but watching the World Cup in New York is more about the eurotrash anyhow. This weekend, Swedes unfairly suffered as Good World failed to get their television properly working. [NYT-WC]
• Kevin Federline learns that he has an infant son; in the resulting wave of emotion, he removes his cornrows and allows himself to be photographed touching the child. [Us Weekly]
• What New York real estate lacks in affordability, it more than makes up for in glamorous exaggeration. [Copyranter]
• Matt Damon's anonywife gives birth to a baby girl; post-Shiloh, the couple is now trying to pay a celebrity weekly to run photos. [People]
• The Falls finally closes; murderous bouncers begin to look for work elsewhere. [NYDN]
• Crisis at the Gay Oscars Tonys — Alfre Woodard and Gayle King wear the same dress. Aren't stylists overpaid so as to avoid this sort of horror? [OAN]
• Is American Apparel less about the human rights thing as they would have you think? [Consumerist]
• Introducing V-Style, not to be confused with V or V Life. [Mediaweek]
• Media Guy Simon Dumenco asks if it would kill Conde Nast to cut the self-congratulatory circle-jerk regarding the still-unborn Portfolio. The answer: without its arrogance, there would be no Conde. So, yes, it would kill them. [AdAge]
• Related: the nicest cafeterias go to those who eat the least. [Memo Pad]

• We fall to our knees and weep at the first pictures of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, which maybe we saw a little earlier than we were supposed to. But we don't care — her cutey-patootiness shall wait for no lawyer!
• Finally, after interminable months of uncertainty, Conde Nast gives us Porfolio. Lord knows when when we'll actually see it.
• Turns out Page Six editor Richard Johnson's DUI last week wasn't his first.
• The Coop declines to read from his book, opting instead to briefly just talk with smelly people. Afterwards, he retreats to Julio's love nest.
• We marvel at the horror of the Guccione mansion.
• Star magazine cans five employees, including two Fuller veterans.
• Wenner Media readies itself for MTV's cameras, due to start filming on Monday. Assistants begin applying makeup now.
• Krucoff attemps for the world's worst case of indigestion by eating his way around town with David Wain and Ken Marino, who will later dip his balls in it.

PETA, never to leave a protest opportunity unexploited, took their pleather parade to 4 Times Square during lunch today. Next up, they'll dump red paint on Meryl Streep — the suits at 20th Century Fox just wet themselves over this kind of free synergy.

Think that ƒ in the middle of Portfolio is merely a design flourish in the forthcoming mag's logo? Maybe it's just a way to scoot the ascender of the "f" far enough right to nestle the words "Conde Nast" in there? Perhaps. But a reader points us to another explanation:

A Gawker reader who checked into "a hotel room on a wild and blustery Pacific beach in Panama" found a bit of detritus presumably left behind by a previous guest: a cover sheet from the "Vanity Fair Daily Gossip Pack" for May 4, 2006.

The Post reports this morning that "Conde Nast and [EIC Joanne] Lipman have maintained strict radio silence on what the editorial thrust of Portfolio might be." Maybe the tab was tuned to the wrong station? Because the Times, Women's Wear, and Mediaweek somehow manage to get some details on that editorial thrust.

What the — media news on a Sunday? Indeed there is, because those Conde Nasties are tricky. And it's stop-the-presses stuff: The mag company's new business title, in the works for the last nine months under the direction of WSJ turncoat Joanne Lipman, finally has a title. It's Conde Nast Portfolio, which we must say is a much better choice than Quote, as WWD reported Thursday would most likely be the name. ("Where'd that quote from?" "Quote." "Huh?") Its first issue will arrive in May 2007, and the website — cnportfolio.com — is now live. There's still not much of inkling of what will be inside the thing, but two sample covers (click on them to enlarge) were attached to the press release. They are, naturally, also entirely inscrutable. Maybe there'll be more explanation tomorrow?