Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!

On Sunday, gritty gravy god Mike Huckabee appeared on CNN's State of the Union to offer a number of regrettable analogies about homosexuality, comparing it, variously, to drinking, classical music and bacon-wrapped shrimp.

For most people, Sasha and Malia Obama's spiritless appearance at this year's White House turkey pardon was a lesson about humility, showing how even the world's most powerful man is still just "ugh, Dad" to his teenage daughters. But one Republican House staffer saw something else entirely: two girls dishonoring America with their slutty clothes and brazen teen-ery.

Openly gay congressional candidate Carl DeMaio has been called "a new kind of Republican" by members of his party, but allegations leveled against the former San Diego councilman on Friday were all too familiar.

For many crypto-Marxist Americans, ragging on Republicans is a cherished pastime, but what do we really know about our conservative brothers and sisters? For instance, what even are Republicans? According to a new ad campaign by consulting firm Glass House Strategies, Republicans are people, primarily the kind that pose for stock photos.

James Foley was courageous, and his murder by an apparently English-accented zealot of the Syria-based Islamic State was so horrific that no simple narrative can do it justice. Unless, that is, you're a conservative political opportunist of a special sort, eager to pin the crime on liberal policies.

Whenever an unarmed young black man is shot dead by the police, white conservatives determined not to feel guilty flock to one news source for their absolution: National Review.

"I just returned from the border with shocking new video—video that will outrage you," James O'Keefe III writes. "I dressed up like Osama bin Laden and crossed the Rio Grande river from Mexico to the United States." This will be just the thing to make right-wing ratfuckery sexy again!

The first question for Victoria Jackson—Saturday Night Live alum, candidate for county commissioner—was about traffic improvements. "I don't know all of the specific details, she said, "but I'm worried about my country and so I jumped into the local government to try to help save it from socialism."

There's an alleged plagiarizer under every journalistic rock lately. The latest target of such accusations is Rick Perlstein, a Nation columnist and the author of a new Big Book About Reagan (this is a genre) called The Invisible Bridge.

Kyle Tasker has dedicated his four-year career in the New Hampshire statehouse to channeling Chris Farley, only with more guns, selfies and woman-beating jokes. So maybe it's no surprise he's got one-liners about the state's black caucus.

Michael Peroutka is a former candidate for president of the United States. He's currently running as a Republican for a council seat in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Around 1:55 in the video above, watch him grab a guitar, ask everyone to "stand for the national anthem," and start belting out "Dixie."

Michele Bachmann—former presidential candidate, soon-to-be-ex-congresswoman, corn-dog enthusiast—wants to make sure you know what's at stake in the gay-rights debate: tyranny, deviancy, and most of all, lots of child rape.

You may have noticed that we have a school shooting problem. Well, not according to the NRA. But if we did have a school shooting problem, the NRA has a plan: Create "gun-required zones" and gun-welfare programs, and make weapons training "necessary to advance to the next grade" for Sally and Timmy.

Congressional Republicans have a new plan to address unaccompanied minors crossing into the U.S. from Mexico. It deploys U.S. troops to the border and mandates "aggressive information campaigns" in Central American nations, as well as US-run "repatriation centers" on their soil.

If Ron Paul never runs for president again, he can always get an anchor gig on RT. The patriotic American's latest "Texas Straight Talk" column is a Putin paean to all the ways in which the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 was America's fault.

No one will beat Andrew Thomas. I mean, yes, he will likely lose the race for Arizona governor, and lose very badly. But when it comes to xenophobic pearl-clutching blabber about booting "illegals" and cowing gay liberals, Thomas is a master race unto himself.

If you're a Republican running for Congress in Arizona, you've really got to go that extra mile to prove your cred, or at least a couple hundred feet tailing a school bus filled with migrant children as you lament the invasion of America. Just be sure they're not really summer campers from the local Y.

Young Jordan D. Haskins has withdrawn from the Michigan House race in his hometown of Saginaw. The Bible-loving Republican feared his multiple felony convictions for stealing cars to masturbate in while disabling the sparkplugs and cranking the engines had become too great a distraction.

Glenn Beck announced yesterday that he would personally help finance and deliver "tractor-trailers full of food, water, teddy bears and soccer balls" to the 60,000 underage undocumented immigrants detained at the U.S.-Mexico border. And some conservatives are going apeshit on him.