People who work for privately owned companies—even very big ones—are often subject to their bosses’ political whims. For employees of a major Midwestern industrial company, that means regularly being preached to by owners known as the Illinois version of the Koch brothers.

Charles Koch, a man whose pockets are spilling with oil and whose brain is brimming with political schemes, may be getting soft in his old age.

At CPAC, shirts are red, people are very predominantly white and “blue lives” matter. From a record attendance of well over 10,000, here are a few portraits of people who paid between $70 and $5,000 to cheer wildly for Dinesh D’Souzas’ new movie trailer and boo about “the Donald Trumps of the left,” whoever they might be.

Right now, the “Republican establishment” is busy wringing its hands over what can be done to stop Donald Trump. Do not be deceived. When the time comes, they will all fall in line with Donald Trump.

Iowa Congressman Steve King continued to raise doubts about Barack Obama’s place of birth long after the president released his longform birth certificate. As late as last year, he was still asserting that wherever Obama may have been born, he was “not raised with an American experience.” Which is presumably why King just endorsed a real American—Canadian-born Ted Cruz—for president.

On Monday, Canada’s Conservative Party dismissed a parliamentary candidate after footage surfaced of him urinating into a homeowner’s coffee cup while on a repair call in 2012, the Toronto Star reports.

AMES, IOWA—Abortion. Abominable gays. And god’s abiding dislike of the current Democratic administration. Hey 90s kids: remember 1996? Remember the Culture Wars? They’re back.

In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.

Duggars be damned: It turns out presidential Easter ham Mike Huckabee has another alleged child molester in his coterie. A prolific co-author of Huck’s and other Christian moralists’ books left his church and escaped prosecution when the statute of limitations ran out on his alleged sexual assaults of a young girl.

Some competitors thrive on being the underdog. Some find humor and vigor in humiliating setbacks. And some are just glass-jawed failure artists, their piled losses more befitting than any theoretical small victory. Rick Santorum is the latter, having reached mediocrity’s apogee while eating lunch alone on Monday.

Did you go to a fratty mid-Atlantic college in the late ’90s, have a Bob Marley blacklight poster, and squee to MTV Party to Go Platinum Remix while drinking Red Stripe at parties? Congratulations, Dawson! You know as much about rap as Marco Rubio, Fox News rap correspondent.

Rick Santorum—a rust-belted Pittsburgher who has embraced the Petrine church ever since he stopped being pro-choice in his first congressional election—is smeared in penitence and frothy with faith, and he will show this pontiff who’s supreme.

The United States is one of the most effective reverse-Robin Hood economies in human history. But you may wonder: Could its redistribution of wealth from the impoverished to the rich be more efficient? Of course it can, with inspiration from that incubator of all great American innovations, Kansas.

Plaid-condom monogram Tucker Carlson is apparently a semi-regular on Alex Jones’s crazy-talk show, because even if jet fuel can’t melt steel, it can give eight pounds of frat-boy hair a lovely volumizing body. Here’s the duo riffing jazzlike on Obama’s very clearly Nazi-like tendency to embrace racial diversity.

The mostly Republican Legislature of the mostly Republican state of Nebraska voted Wednesday to ban capital punishment by a margin that’s likely to withstand the governor’s veto.

Bobby Jindal launched a presidential exploratory committee today, because hey, that’s what you do. Presumably he’ll be exploring outside the state he governs, because as much as Louisianans hate Democrats and Obummer, they hate Bobby more, a new poll shows.

Faithful Gawker readers and generally literate Americans already know Marco Rubio is a mouth-breathing spoiled moron who will not be president. But do they know the glorious ways in which he illustrated his crass ineptitude and cynicism this week? Let us count them:

Defying expectations and early polling, the Conservatives are on track to take a majority in British Parliament with David Cameron securing a second term as prime minister.

“I do not come to you tonight with the ability to speak Spanish,” Mike Huckabee, once and future presidential pork product, told a Hispanic group in a speech Wednesday night. “But I do speak a common language. I speak Jesus.”

Imagine a drama kid—without good looks, singing or dancing ability, who wants to be president, is pretty sure your opinions suck, and thinks you’re an idiot. You just imagined a college parliamentary debater. And who do college parliamentary debaters think are irritating, pitiful jagoffs? In the 1990s, it was Ted Cruz.