Brian Rooney, a 22-year veteran at ABC News, was laid off this week. Just another victim of a financially shaky company? Or is Brian reaping the evil crop sown by his father, Andy Rooney? A reader has a theory!

The Huffington Post reports that Bill Gates pledged $10 billion for vaccine research. The HuffPo's utterly insane vaccine conspiracy theorizing commenters are unhappy! Meanwhile, the doctor who invented the "vaccines cause autism" lie has (finally!) been reprimanded by the UK's General Medical Council, and he may yet have his medical license revoked. Arianna's Funtime Link Party Tribune and Hothouse of Nonsense has not yet weighed in, though we can't wait to hear what Ace Ventura has to say.

On his radio show yesterday, popular hysterical demagogue Glenn Beck insulted a "Birther." He noted, correctly, that while he is often accused of being a conspiracist, he has not endorsed the Obama-was-born-in-Kenya conspiracy. Then, in order to make sure people continued referring to him as a conspiracist, he alleged that calls from birthers were part of an organized White House effort to discredit the opposition. Just like every racist sign at a Tea Party is being held by a secret left-wing provocateur.

Rachel Sklar, Mediaite's executive editor and resident Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy-debunker, might've found her Watergate. She's making unconfirmed, shaky, but fascinating arguments for Beyonce playing a New Year's Eve show for Lindsay Lohan AND Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi's kid.

Orange County Newsmaker of the Year, Birther Queen, Attorney, and Dentist Orly Taitz says it is time to begin our armed rebellion! But her former lover says she is treacherous!

In dark Internet corners, speculation simmers about a millionaire named Arturo Globenfeldt. Two years ago, the Daily News reported Brittany Murphy's husband owed Globenfeldt $16 million. Was Murphy's death somehow related to this debt? No, the Daily News was punked.

Two groups reached an agreement with the Obama administration today which will release 22 million White House emails that were previously "lost" by the Bush Administration. These messages span 94 days. That's 234,042 emails per day. Crazy!

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg issued an open letter to his 350+ million users; you probably saw it this morning when logging in. Facebook will kill regional networks like "New York." Why? To trick you.

Big Bird gave money to hookers through ACORN. Oscar the Grouch had an abortion. These fucking puppets hate America, say conservatives. You know who doesn't hate America? Sarah Palin. And she has a conspiracy theory of her own to add.

UK Guardian reporter Ed Pilkington went to Anchorage to interview the 19 year-old babydaddy of Tripp Palin, Levi Johnston. There's audio, and some fairly interesting insight from Johnston on the Palin family and his Vanity Fair article, which was "retaliation."

Blogger Mickey Kaus likes to send nastygrams to famous people, on Twitter, when the mood strikes him. And yet these messages sometimes disappear from Twitter search, despite the microblogging service's well-established technical competence. Mere coincidence — ha! — or conspiracy?

The Swine Flu is either a excuse to declare martial law and enslave the white race, or it is genetically engineered plague with no cure. Either way, isn't it convenient that President Obama's daughters haven't been vaccinated?

Billionaire investor Jeffry Picower made more money off Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme than any other investor. Yesterday, Picower was found dead in his Palm Beach swimming pool. Let's not jump to any conclusions.

According to Balloon boy dad Richard Heene, Hillary Clinton is a shape-shifting reptilian humanoid. You may be surprised to learn that he is not the only one who believes this!

Iranian officials are blaming America for a terrorist attack in the Sistan-Baluchistan province. They're also vowing to take revenge on those responsible for the bombing. This could get ugly.

We got a tip in this morning clarifying some of the issues that are being studied in the case of Todd English's Cold Feet and Erica Wang. If true, this casts Wang's spin attempts in a considerably more impressive light.

Have you heard the one about how leftist terrorist boogeyman Bill Ayers secretly wrote Barack Obama's memoirs? You will! Because Ayers just admitted it!

OH HO: Politico reports that Obama's chief strategy henchman David Axelrod had a hush-hush meeting with Fox News Slug King Roger Ailes when Obama was in NYC two weeks ago. The explosive, secret conversation, we allege, went like this:

Public Policy Polling just keeps revealing how stupid, paranoid, and misled the American electorate is. Here are some results from their new national poll on conspiracy theories that aren't true.

The Way We Live Now: Underminingly. Have we forgotten the principles of Chaos Theory that we learned in that Jurassic Park sequel? All these "cutbacks" to "save money" will "destroy us." Is the bright side really a dangerous money fire?