Here's the stuff of conservative nightmares: The Obama administration wants to "mind map" America using computers, inspired by the Big Brother of Silicon Valley

Noooooo: a conspiracy-minded blog is floating a rumor that Gavin Newsom is dropping out of the race. Who will play fitting successor to Arnold Schwarzenegger if not boozing, other-guy's-wife-fucking, threesome-actress-marrying, fameballer-family-having, Twitter-obsessed, gay-marrying San Francisco mayor?

9/11 Truthers—the actual, self-declared movement Truthers—are, universally and without exception, morons. Van Jones signed a Truther petition, which was incredibly stupid, but he says he is not actually a Truther. Wha...?

Oh shoot, fashion PR person Mallory Montilla was some sort of career criminal or possibly a kleptomaniac, if you believe the cops, at least. Or is she a sad victim of mean girls?

People are stupid. Pure and simple. Take, for example, rumors circulating that Michael Jackson, like Tupac and Elvis, still walks among us. Why would people believe such an outlandish thing? Again: they're stupid. And then there's this...

Obama-related conspiracy theories stretch far and wide. And now they're weaving their way toward the National Endowment for the Arts.

Last year, Senator John McCain demanded that Barack Obama have 100,000 town halls with him, daily, until election day. So he is loving this month. His town hall was a sleepy affair, but it's Arizona, so there was crazy!

Like it is barely even about how Barack Obama was secretly born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and is the son of Malcolm X! Most of the movie is just clips of cable news people talking about the election and Obama's first few months in office. But the highlight is surely this all-time classic of unintended consequences:

When there aren't elections going on, the only thing pollsters can poll is "how fucking nuts is everyone, anyway?" Hey, look, a new Birthers poll!

Rupert Murdoch promises his News Corp. publications will charge for content by next year. Steven Brill swears he has hundreds of newspapers signed up to do likewise. Who wants to be the first to follow these sharks into the pool?

Go Utah! Only a fraction of you are crazy! It is initially surprising that conservative, lily-white Utah is less nuts than, say, Virginia. But when you think about it for a minute, it makes sense.

Do you buy the cover story about the New York Times firing heroic famous person Ben Stein over a "conflict of interest?" You are so naive. This was a preemptive hit, to protect Barack Obama, our dictator.

Twitter continues to be flaky today. Par for the course on the overcrowded microblogging service, right? But Twitter claims it is the victim of elaborate hack attacks that "appear to have been geopolitical in motivation." That's actually true!

Awesome news, everyone: you can make anyone you want be born anywhere you want, in case you need to prove that your boss is not A Natural Born Citizen or something. [Republic of Kenya Birth Certificate Generator via The Awl]

Apparently she calls into a local talk radio station all the time. In this clip, she is talking about aliens. Also she predicts Armageddon in 95 years.

Today in batshit conspiracy-mongering: Republicans don't really know what to do about their crazier constituents. Well, some of them know what to do. Humor them!

This has the suspicious whiff of a setup: Star reporter Kate Major and Octo-dad Jon Gosselin very publicly become an "item." Star trumpets this fact in a press release. Hours later, Kate Major resigns. Why?

See, this lady says Barack Obama is "a citizen of Kenya," and wants to know what her Representative plans to do about the fact that a Kenyan has become the president. So Castle says: "Well I don't know what comment that invites. If you're referring to the president, then he is a citizen of the United States."

Mark Zuckerberg was photographed in intimate conversation with Microsoft's former CTO in Sun Valley last week. The Facebook founder might simply have been quizzing Nathan Myhrvold about Zuckerberg doppelgänger Bill Gates. But there's a more interesting possibility.

The Way We Live Now: Under the thumb of the papacy. The Pope is calling for some super-Illuminati to rule the world economy. No need, dude; we had one already, called Ikea. And it's laying people off.