Unflappable (except by geese, ha) hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger is not sitting idly by while fancy writer William Langewiesche (pron. "Lain-guh-wees-chay-guevara") offers up his trashy "scientific theories" about Sully's famous crashed plane. Everyone listen, Sully is saying something confrontational!

After much deliberation, Microsoft has decided against sponsoring the upcoming Family Guy special, 'Seth MacFarlane's Holocaust Incest Tampon Hour.' They join an illustrious list of Family Guy haters.

Whoa: The British Medical Association is urging a complete ban on alcohol advertising and sponsorships in England, home to many drunks. But the media needs that money! Who's more disingenuous here—ad agencies, media companies, or doctors? It's close!

The editor of Towson University's college newspaper has resigned amid scandal. Sexy scandal! The Towson University community was just not ready for sexy mutual masturbation talk. What? It's natural and human. Masturbation 69 orgasm dildo masturbation masturbation. What? Be mature.

Speaking of idiotic uproars over cartoons, at colleges: The guy who drew the Danish Muhammad cartoon that set off worldwide riots is coming to Yale—the provincial little school whose University Press allows religious psychos to dictate what it publishes.

Oh look, the black cartoonist Keith Knight dared to draw a black guy in a noose in this recent K Chronicles strip, and now "Students at a western Pennsylvanian school are outraged." Shut up, Slippery Rock University.

President Obama announced that he will give a speech welcoming America's young students into the new school year. Conservatives, happy to fight about anything this man does, came out swinging against the President's "socialist" intentions. And they're winning!

Just to make sure everyone is extremely clear on who did what here: the World Wildlife Fund is not just an innocent victim of a bad rogue ad agency in this whole 9/11 ad fiasco.

Poor, sad sack Glenn Beck has even more woes than just unwarranted, and ill-advised, threats on his life. Eleven more companies have decided to pull their ads from his Fox News program. Who are they?

The uproar, that is! And the book. But not the weed, as far as I know, because this Crrrrrrazymaking skunk only exists in Cheech & Chong movies and the imaginations of lightweights. (And in England).

Today, GMAC Financial Services confirmed that it's no longer advertising on Glenn Beck's show. How many advertisers have deserted him now? Let's tally them up:

Yale University Press is publishing a book about the Danish Muhammad cartoon controversy of 2005. But Yale will not publish any images of the cartoons, or Muhammad, because Yale University Press is run by freedom-disregarding accommodationist pussies.

Covering American Idol is often like reporting on a maze wrapped in an enigma washed down with a mystery. Could it be the entire free world—including us—was duped into thinking Paula Abdul walked away from TV's biggest show?

Wrigley had the bright idea to pay Chris "Bubblegum" Brown to put out a pop song that was actually a Wrigley commercial—but without telling anyone it was a Wrigley commercial. The public ate it up! It went huge on pop charts! Proving that people who drive chart sales have no taste, and Wrigley has no ethics.

MSNBC and Richard Wolffe have been taking heat for Wolffe's employment at the network as a political analyst and guest host for Keith Olbermann while also working as a lobbyist/publicist. Now Wolffe's secret Obama book proposal has been revealed.

Spurred on by his editor, a Washington Post reporter complained over the weekend that we "stole" his profile of a ridiculous "generational guru" when we blogged about it on this site. Our question: where's your outrage at your editors?

Yesterday the New York Mets fired their VP of player development for being a psycho—then tried to insinuate that a Daily News beat writer sabotaged the guy in order to steal his job. Today the reporter responds: No, liar.

As if small-town America didn't have its hands full dealing with the death of manufacturing jobs and the crystal meth epidemic, now it has to worry about some money-grubbing Danes demanding payment for big-breasted mermaid statue knockoffs. Where's the outrage?

CNN president Jon Klein has had just about emotherfuckingnough of this "Birther" shit on his network. Klein sent out this email last night telling Lou Dobbs et al that "this story is dead."