Unaccountable mercenary firm Blackwater had a big plan to get into the Somali pirate-fighting business a couple of years ago, according to a newly released Wikileaks document. The problem: Blackwater actually sounded worse than the Somali pirates.

One of the great things about growing up down South is the unending, pathological celebration of the Civil War. Wait, not "great"; bizarre and disturbing. The 150th anniversary of secession is just weeks away. Party time! Right? Yea!

Michael Brea, a Brooklyn resident and former bit player on Ugly Betty, gave a crazy interview to the Daily News in which he says he stabbed his mother to death with a sword because she was possessed. What the heck?

A Wisconsin woman was arrested at a Toys "R" Us for telling fellow shoppers she would get her gun and shoot them after they objected to her butting in line. No gun was found. Happy Black Friday, America! [via johne]

The Mace-wielding Chelsea Market vegan cookie purple scooter thief: NYC's quirkiest thief?

Tabloid sex-and-xenophobia commentator Andrea Peyser is, as we all know, America's chief booster of the concept of love. So it pains her to announce that Prince William and his slutty hussy bride-to-be are headed for The Big D (divorce).

Roger Ailes' self-underminey apology to Abe Foxman (the only Jew that matters?) does not make him look more sane.

Toadlike Fox News mastermind Roger Ailes has always been thought of as an evil genius—even his detractors admire his media-savvy PR brilliance. It's not true. In fact, he's an isolated old man whose anger has driven him insane.

Sextacular New York Post relationship consultant Andrea Peyser knows a thing or two about what men want, and she's about to hit you with some sexxxy wisdom, ladies. Rule One: don't be such a slut. She's talking to you, Maddie.

Bold action at the Janesville (Wisconsin) Gazette, where editor Scott Angus announced that the paper's banning comments on stories about "crimes, courts, accidents, race or sex" in order to "cut down on the ugliness." How are the commenters taking it?

Tressa Amerson was arrested after attempting to carve a tattoo of her name out of her boyfriend's neck following an argument. The man who'd inked her name above his collar told police, "She's pretty crazy." Clearly, they deserve each other!

Boy howdy, Google has done it now! The company's special Veterans Day logo this year, you see, features a mysterious crescent shape. And you know who loves crescent shapes? The Muslims. Yeah, some people are actually upset about this.

In late September, Jon Stewart appeared at a Manhattan Barnes & Noble to promote his new book. A 9/11 Truther shouted some "9/11 truth" questions at him. Afterwards, a Daily Show executive producer punched that Truther in the face.

A Latin Grammy-winning pianist and wealthy oil heir was scammed out of as much as $20 million by computer repairpersons who convinced him that Polish priests from Opus Dei were targeting him for assassination. Oldest scam in the book.

This is Colleen Thomas, a home health administrator turned physicist who specializes in the science of creation. She is also the "mother" of a race of good aliens here on Earth to defend humans from lizard people. Yes, lizard people!

From child sex to lesbian sex to sexxxy sex, tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser is America's most trusted hot-blooded sexocrat. So when Andrea Peyser declares Republicans to be "hot," you all better rush out and fuck Republicans, to death.

Writer Monica Gaudio was surprised to see an old article of hers appear in Cooks Source, a "publication for food lovers in Western New England." So she wrote the magazine's editor to ask how they got it. The reply: insanity.

This is the first poster for the Mel Gibson comedy The Beaver, and... um? It's just one big joke about Mel Gibson telling us that he's crazy. I mean, who are the ad wizards that came up with this one??!

As you were type-type-typing a love sext to your beloved this morning, you likely wondered: "What does tabloid sexophobe Andrea Peyser think about this new sex-enabling communication technology?" Spoiler: Andrea prefers to talk about sex and dog poop in person.

Let us now give praise to some college kids who did something clever and upstanding. Their school was plagued by a shouting, anti-gay preacher. The school couldn't legally kick him out. Solution? Students took their own message to his church.