• Look! Visual proof that Natasha Lyonne is alive, walking upright, not eating dogs, and looking a little thick. Dear God, is she with child? Or just pudgy? Either possibility, combined with the absence of visible sores on her face, suggests that Lyonne may be off the rock. Miracle of miracles. [Splash News]
• Columbia University is launching a full-color weekly magazine — to be edited by none other than Satan's spawn herself, Bee Shaffer. [Bwog]
• Donald Trump is seriously disappointed in Britney Spears. What fasincates us is that he had any hopes for her to begin with. [Trump University]
• Time Out defines and illustrates words like "crackberry, " "underboob," and "celebuskank" (representative example: Tara Reid, of course). Thanks, TONY — we don't know where we'd be without you. [TONY]
• Novelist Kathleen McGowan believes she is the living Da Vinci Code, a direct descendent of the union between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. We believe she's just thought of the best self-promotional pitch ever. [USA Today]
• Britain thinks we work too much. Agreed, but we have to pay for our dental insurance somehow. [Observer]
• Goldman Sachs getting into the hotel business? A Goldman Sex hotel might be more profitable. [Curbed]
• Ashton Kutcher needs to keep an eye on his second cousin. [The Oxford Project]
• Live right above Angela Chase, bump into Jordan Catalano in the elevator. [The Real Estate]
• It's not necessarily #2 at Us Weekly, but this might be just the job for Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM. [Mediabistro]

In today's edition of Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM — the delightful fellow who speaks to God, is soulmates with Jessica Alba, and just wants us to help him get in touch with Us EIC Janice Min so that he might fulfill his destiny of being #2 at the celebrity weekly — we move away from the creepier aspects of CUWG^TM's obsession with Alba and more towards how Min and Us can make his dream a reality. After the jump, excerpts from Parts IV - VI, plus his thoughts on the future.

Some things need very little explanation. Herewith we present Gawker Media Syndicate's first foray into the world of comic strips: "Crazy 'Us Weekly' Guy^TM & Janice." Enjoy.

For the past few days, we've been letting you into the world of Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM, a man who communicates with God, is soulmates with Jessica Alba, and can make Us Weekly an even bigger success if we'd just put him in touch with Us EIC Janice Min. When he first emailed Gawker, we stupidly asked for more details, which prompted Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM to send us over 200 pages of intense explanation (plus a handy Excel spreadsheet), all of which we're sharing with you.

Last week, we shared with you an email we received from a gentleman who from here on out we shall refer to as Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM. The man claimed that he communicated with God, his soulmate was a Hollywood actress, and his goal was to be #2 at Us Weekly so that he might present EIC Janice Min with his new "paradigm" for the success of the magazine (additionally, if we put him in touch, he'd bring us along at put us up at the top of the Us masthead as well). Well, shit — we'd LURVE to be the person at Us who scribbles the cute handwritten captions on the Just Like US page ("They drink iced coffee!" "They buy groceries!"), so we decided to take Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM up on his offer to explain his grand plan.

From the mailbox, presented without comment: