On Monday morning, Donald Trump attempted to clarify the incomprehensible position he staked out this weekend in an interview with George Stephanopoulos. “When I said in an interview that Putin is ‘not going into Ukraine, you can mark it down,’ I am saying if I am President. Already in Crimea!” he tweeted. In the interview, Trump had said that Vladimir Putin is “not going into Ukraine, okay, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.”

Vladimir Putin’s friend Alexander “The Surgeon” Zaldostanov is the leader of the Night Wolves nationalist motorcycle club, a hardcore Motherland-loving campaigner for “resistance to the global Satanism” and “all this homosexual talk.” He can also put on quite a musical! Perhaps you’d like to feast your eyes on some highlights from the Night Wolves’ first and second annual theatrical extravaganzas, complete with acrobats, fireworks, unauthorized Nirvana covers, revisionist historical reenactments, and sick-ass bike tricks:

Two white tigers have reportedly died at a Crimean zoo during a two-week blackout, according to reports.

[Russian president Vladimir Putin onboard a bathyscaphe off the coast of Sevastopol, Crimea. Image via Associated Press.]

Do you think Putin has any regrets about Russia annexing Crimea? If you answered “yes,” you’re wrong, because Putin says he has no regrets about Russia annexing Crimea.

The Ukrainian military claims that a helicopter carrying nine of its men was shot down by pro-Russian separatists, despite a ceasefire agreement reached last Friday. All nine men died in the attack and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, reports the BBC, is considering ending the ceasefire ahead of its Friday deadline for "constant violation by rebels who are controlled from abroad."

Last month, Russia seized Ukraine's combat dolphins. This week, the U.S. Navy was rumored to be deploying its own dolphins to the Black Sea. The Great Game seemed upon us once again: the warm-water game of cold war. But more likely, the American media just got played by a Kremlin mouthpiece.

McDonald's announced on Friday that it's suspending operations at its three restaurants in Crimea due to "manufacturing reasons." In a laudable move, the company guaranteed its Crimean employees jobs at McDonald's locations in Ukraine and offered to pay relocation costs, including three months in rent.

President Putin called President Obama Friday afternoon to discuss possible diplomatic solutions to the crisis in Ukraine. Obama "urged Russia to support this process and avoid further provocations, including the buildup of forces on its border with Ukraine," according to a White House press release.

As Russia seizes control of Crimea, one of the stranger things it will be taking over is a unit of trained military dolphins run by the Ukrainian Navy since the fall of the Soviet Union. Ukraine had planned to disband the program in April due to a lack of funds, but Russia has decided to keep it running.

Ron Paul and his think tank don't want the U.S. to get embroiled in an overseas war with Russia over its recent annexation of Crimea. That's reasonable. Ron Paul and his think tank suggest that Russia didn't even invade Crimea, really. That's self-blindered hysterical conspiracy theorizin' bull semen.

Someone in Kabul hasn't watched Rambo III, obvs.

On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a bill that completes Russia's annexation of Crimea. The move came just hours after Ukraine agreed to a political association and trade deal with the European Union.

Russia responded to the new U.S. sanctions by issuing some sanctions of its own; nine U.S. officials, including Speaker John Boehner and Senator John McCain, are now banned from traveling to Russia. "I guess this means my spring break in Siberia is off," McCain said in a statement.

The Russia-friendly Crimean Parliament recently made 33-year-old Natalya Poklonskaya the region's chief prosecutor, a position that vaulted her to internet fame this week. Because she's good at her job? Not quite. Because she's hot. At least according to Russian media:

Thursday morning, President Obama announced new sanctions against Russia. "The United States is today moving, as we said we would, to impose additional costs on Russia," Obama said, adding that the sanctions will have a "significant impact on the Russian economy but could also be disruptive to the global economy."

Hours after pro-Russian forces stormed Ukraine's naval headquarters and captured its commander, Ukrainian officials in Kiev announced that it would withdraw all military personnel from Crimea.

[A pro-Russian woman in Crimea celebrates after watching a broadcast of Vladimir Putin's speech on Crimea on Tuesday. Yes, that is a Josef Stalin calendar she's holding. Image via Vadim Ghirda/AP.]

A Ukrainian soldier died Tuesday afternoon after armed Russian forces opened fire at a Ukrainian military base in the Crimean capital of Simferopol. Earlier Tuesday, President Putin signed a treaty to annex Crimea from Ukraine.

Ignoring sanctions from the U.S. and E.U., a defiant Vladimir Putin announced on Tuesday that Russia would annex Crimea, which he said "has always been an integral part of Russia in the hearts and minds of people."