Arthur "Young AG" Sulzberger XVIII, heir to throne of the New York Times paid online internet empire, hath tracked down yet another important story in his ongoing quest to become the Metro section's most quirkiest cub reporter who will be everyone else's boss one day. Here is what Young Sulzberger learned in the course of his routine perambulations: a certain oafish ruffian has been terrorizing the law-abiding residents of the Village of Greenwich as of late. Notable in and of itself? Sadly not; the streets of our fair city have become alarmingly less safe since the immigrant gangs made their way of Five Points.

Balloon dad Richard Heene reports to jail today. He's still insisting the whole thing wasn't a hoax. Pitiful. Man up, Richard; you're the greatest sci-fi hoaxer since Orson Welles did War of the Worlds. You're just less popular. [CP]

Breaking: The Hipster Grifter is free. Oh boy.

In order to (partially) repay Bernie Madoff's victims, the Feds aren't just selling off his real estate; they're selling off every last knick-knack and bric-a-brac that might potentially raise a dollar, at auction. Sample the "Bull" crap bounty, below!

It's a weekday, and that means the Hipster Grifter is back, with some more sexxxy jail correspondence! Besides her usual ho-hum tales of imaginary lesbian jail sex, Kari reveals her wacky idea for a reality TV show. Snag her now!

Peter Braunstein is a convicted rapist and certified psycho with serious mental problems. But he's so tabloid-y! What's his latest crazy celebrity obsession, for the public to point and laugh about? Inside Edition knows!

Bernie Madoff's Montauk digs went for $9.4M! Originally listed at $8.4M, the Corcoran Group's apparently the U.S. Marshals' favorite real estate agency. Proceeds go straight into to a Madoff victims fund, no word on the buyer. But the quotes? Priceless.

Haha no that is just a joke about the last time he quit something, back when we all hoped he'd got to jail. No, former House Majority leader Tom DeLay is quitting the TV dancing show because he hurt his widdle foots.

Thirty year-old Melanie Chen of Ohio has been sentenced to eight years in jail for soaking friends and relatives for $800k for fraudulent "medical bills" and spending the money on "things that didn't matter." How derivative. [UPI]

Hipster Grifter pal Bucky Turco has posted a gen-u-ine letter from folk hero Kari Ferrell, who's currently in jail in Salt Lake City and way bored. Who has she met, during her incarceration? "Every one of those Homiez figurines."

Did you know that crooked financier and voodoo priest Allen Stanford used to run a bodybuilding gym? It's true! Didn't stop him from getting his ass whupped in jail. But there's a bright side.

What do you do if you're a former fashion writer serving 18-to-life in prison for drugging, and sexually assaulting a former colleague of yours for 13 hours one crazy Halloween? Write lengthy missives to the New York Post, obviously.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell is speaking out, from the Utah jailhouse! Okay, she admits, she shouldn't have stolen all that money. But she's always been too smart and attractive for society to handle.

Bernie Madoff is quite the real estate enthusiast! Last week his beach house went on sale (and offers are pouring in). Now, the real prize: Madoff's UES penthouse and house-arrest area is on sale for $7 million. It's decent.

You could be the proud new owner of The Madoffs' Montauk beach estate, for the low low price of $8.75 million or so! Click through for a photographic tour of your future party pad—including the sexxxy room!

Bernie Madoff's post-criminal career has been filled with indignities: house arrest, poverty for his wife, and unflattering penis size revelations. And now he may have cancer. Which would be worse than all of the above, yes.

Yes, we know Bernie "Winky Dink" Madoff had a small penis, thanks to author/ lovah Sheryl Weinstein—but do we know enough about his penis' circumference and performance? Now we do.

Ivy League-educated attorney Marc Dreier pleaded guilty yesterday to scamming various investors out of "at least" $400 million. Then he left court and returned to his $10 million condo. Being rich is nice!

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferell's in jail. So she can now safely become a folk hero. FreeKari.com is up and taking donations! The dude who turned her in is under assault from commenters! America loves villains.

Bernie Madoff was "irresistible to women." Really? Yes, his secretary says! See Bernie: you were mean to your secretary and now she's telling Vanity Fair all about your happy ending(?) massages. Always happens.