Eight officials from Union Carbide were found guilty in the deaths of over 15,000 people from a gas leak in Bhopal, India, in 1984. An estimated 600,000 people were affected. They face two years in jail. [BBC, AP]

After a rocky start, Bernie Madoff has finally settled into prison life. He hangs with spies, haggles over laundry, and bitches about his former clients: "I carried them for twenty years, and now I'm doing 150 years."

Recently arrested Natalee Holloway murder suspect Joran van der Sloot, being held in Peru on a separate murder charge, was stabbed in effigy by seven Indian shamans as a "spiritual punishment" outside police headquarters in Lima today. [AP]

Ponzi scheming stripper husband Kenneth Starr's lawyer left him due to a "conflict of interest." He now has a public defender.

Major Nidal Hassan will make his first appearance in a Fort Hood military court today for an Article 32 hearing, which is similar to a grand jury proceeding. He could receive the death penalty for killing 13 soldiers. [AP, pic]

Former NYC Police Commissioner Bernard B. Kerik is headed to a federal prison in Maryland today to serve a four year sentence for lying to Bush administration officials and tax fraud. He blogged his last night of freedom.

It's been a few days since a Catholic priest said something truly awful, so Brazilian archbishop Dadeus Grings decided it was time to tell a local newspaper all sorts of crazy shit. Hint: Gay teens really upset him.

Erik Prince, the former head of mercenary outfit Blackwater USA, stopped by his hometown in Michigan to give a speech yesterday. He said the real threat to American values is not Al Qaeda or the Taliban, it's the US government!

By now you've heard the news that investment bank Goldman Sachs is in some hot water with the government. Today, executives from the firm will testify on Capitol Hill. Will there be drama? Here is a quick guide.

Did you know that traders at the troubled investment bank are legendary health nuts? It's true! So could a fastfood eating contest between 10 mortgage traders at the firm have lead to the housing market collapse of 2007?

A Colorado man broke into a house with a gun, and entered the bedroom at around 3am. He then apparently realized he had the wrong house, said as much to the sleeping residents, and left. [HuffPo]

Yesterday the disgraced ex-governor said he was "stolen from the people of Illinois," by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, then got all Chicago Guy for the cameras and said: "Why don't you show up in court tomorrow?"

The Holy See's website has guidelines posted for bishops to report "crimes to the appropriate authorities" if their colleagues are molesting children, but they lack a zero tolerance policy for offenders. Outside of the clergy, few are impressed. [AP, image]

The investment bank's CEO Lloyd Blankfein said in an annual report that while Goldman "held various positions in residential mortgage-related products in 2007, our short positions were not a ‘bet against' our clients." They just bet against everyone else. [BusinessWeek]

Easter Sunday came and went without the Pope so much as mentioning the biggest scandal to hit the Catholic Church in recent memory. Instead, the dean of the College of Cardinals lashed out at everyone who dares question Benedict.

The Enquirer reports that your mom's former favorite candidate John Edwards will be indicted very soon. Edwards used campaign funds to pay a lady to not talk about how he put a baby in her.

Bernie Madoff's sons and brother face charges of criminal tax-fraud. (They are also accused of totally knowing about Bernie's fraud, because they all deposited like ten bucks in their "investment accounts" and then withdrew several millions of dollars.)

Disgraced former NYPD commissioner Bernie Kerik is about to be sentenced. Prosecutors are asking for a stiff penalty, since he "became a wealthy man by shamelessly exploiting the most horrific civilian tragedy in this nation's history." So...Giuliani's next? [NYT]

Li'l Liddy James O'Keefe has released a statement on his heroic attempted felony. It includes one (1) hilarious slander against Senator Landrieu, whose office he was sneaking into in order to tamper with her phones.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell is slowly making her way from her incarceration land of Utah back to the East Coast, upon which she will descend, formidably, all too soon. We have "obtained" photos of her recent stop in Las Vegas.