I dunno, this burglar...this might be my favorite burglar of all time.

If violent, screaming confrontations over day-old cupcakes and losing guns in McDonald's bathrooms sounds like your kind of thing, you should consider a job at the Denver Sheriff's Department. According to disciplinary letters obtained by the Denver Post, over the past 18 months deputies and employees at the department have been reprimanded for accidentally discharging their service weapons at least two times, losing a prisoner (and then arresting the wrong person), feeding prisoners homemade sandwiches and letting them watch YouTube videos, and abandoning posts six hours early.

There was a time—after Sex and the City glorified Magnolia Bakery, and before carbs were universally considered poison—when cupcakes were gold. Today, as a cupcake chain closes its doors, we must ask: Is the golden age of cupcakes over?

Living well is the best revenge, but feeding your enemies semen-filled cupcakes is a close second.

Everyone who was awake last night went absolutely nuts over Beyoncé's surprise album drop. And everyone who was asleep at the time woke up this morning and went absolutely nuts.

The vice presidential debates are tonight. We expect and assume that, as in most elections, the debates—and the subsequent election—will be decided primarily upon the basis of which candidate most fully embodies the wise teachings of Gawker Media fitness columns. Well, shut it down, Biden has won, no need to show up today, might as well stay home and moisturize, "SNOWFLAKE" Ryan.

Yesterday, Gawker received a tip regarding a bizarre episode Amanda Bynes had Wednesday night in a New York bakery. It began, as many rips from sanity do, with a specialty cupcake. It ended with a firefighter threatening to break down a bathroom door.

Earlier today, we brought you the tale of the domestic worker who added a flavor shot of menstrual blood to a cup of coffee she brewed for her employer.

In an incident similar to the Great Roommate Buttering Caper of May 2011 in terms of messiness, domestic disruption, and—perhaps most remarkably—the involvement of a woman named Dawn, a Chicago wife has been arrested for hurling cupcakes at her husband during an argument. How sweet it isn't! ("It" being a difficult-sounding marriage.)

It's hard to really put one's finger on the precise moment a trend dies. Is it when you get your first photo of your mom planking on the washing machine? Or when adult soapbox derbies are profiled in a piece about the Portlandification of Brooklyn? Or, perhaps, when someone robs a cupcake store in Denver by waving around a syringe filled with HIV-positive blood? Yes, I do believe that last one would do it.

Magnolia Bakery, the always-mobbed purveyor of dry cupcakes with too much frosting on them and only appealing to tourists who were hypnotized by Sex and the City to love them, now has permission to sell franchises, and it's aiming to spread its cancer across oceans.

Because the ranks of Scary Sadshaws will never diminish, those that are in love with both cupcakes and stupid cocktails made with flavored vodkas have demanded there should be a cupcake flavored vodka. This shit is seriously nasty.

Duncan Hines Amazing Glazes? More like Duncan Hines Amazing Racists. You know? This controversial ad for "Hip Hop Cupcakes" (the a capella singing group variety) is currently America's biggest cupcake-racism-related scandal. I don't know, those desserts sure can harmonize. [Eater]

Cupcakes are a serious business in Westchester County, New York. Serious enough that an unlicensed cupcake stand run by middle school students was shut down by cops—who were called in by a local politician. Hopefully, they'll be jailed.

After headquarters shut down their station, causing their block party to be canceled, the guys from Ladder 62 start a protest with the help of some of the locals. The biggest tragedy about it all? No one gets cupcakes.

The New York job market shrank in June, but the overall unemployment rate's been improving thanks to the city's bar and restaurant industries. Where's the growth coming from? You can credit cupcake bakeries, reports the WSJ. Thanks, Carrie Bradshaw.

[A man is shot by a cupcake cannon. Slow motion video of cupcake cannon victims after the jump.]

These gorillas get the equivalent of an Easter egg hunt when their handlers hide cupcakes all over their home. Watch them discover and eat them. Yummmm. Cupcakes.

Why must Martha Stewart make a mockery of the US diabetes crisis? Our nemesis has written a new book about, you guessed it, cupcakes. Even worse, her henchpeople have emailed, to us, horrifying photographs of the bizarre comestibles Martha's treatise has inspired. This, America, is why you're fat:

After having her image frosted by the New York Times and Charlie Rose, Google VP Marissa Mayer, the cupcake princess of search, is hungry for more press. Luckily, Lesley Stahl arrived to spread more on!