Oh pity the poor denizens of Williamsburg. The erosion of hipster trust funds is leading their greasy little utopia to slowly devolve into some sort of Mad Max-esque, post-apocalyptic real estate wasteland, just like Miami! So says New York Magazine.

Dear wives of New York: All the gays are so totally doing it with your husbands. New York magazine's David Amsden has the proof, having himself trolled Craigslist and Manhunt: "On any given day searching these sites, I found about 1,000 married, closeted New Yorkers online—certainly a fraction of the true population since most men in the closet don't identify themselves as such, even online." And that doesn't even count the guys from Jersey! That's real hard science you can believe in. (Our science says: there's 29 Craigslist M4M ads so far today that contain the word "married" and most of those are in search of married guys. But whatever.) Anyway, Amsden's profile of an anonymous married dude is actually a story about someone who's really depressed. ("I'm rarely happy, to be honest," says the guy. Bleak!) 75 mgs of Effexor a day, and he'll ditch his wife next week and realize that he's spent the last two decades being an idiot. Also? Apparently he slept with a now-famously-dead Park Avenue diet guru and even if it's not old Dr. Atkins that's still just wrong.

In Monday's New York mag: "Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play," by David Amsden. Says the PR teaser, breathlessly: "He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life." Ooh, who is "he"? Dollars to donuts we don't find out. Still, looking forward to it! (And to young Mr. Amsden not writing about teen girls for once.)

• We'd like to issue a formal apology to kiddie-chronicler David Amsden: When we saw the cover story for the latest New York mag, which examines the ambisexual teen "movement," we automatically assumed you were the author. But you weren't! We had you all wrong — we thought you automatically got covered that shit. Sorry to misjudge. [NYM]
• Dude, brah, we've got to get us some hot bitches for Sunday. Seriously, yo, I am NOT getting up from the leather sectional to fetch my own Budweiser. [Craigslist]
• Wait, isn't Hayden Christenson gay? [Egotastic]
• Former Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman joins the roman clef party by revealing his desire to shave former co-worker Paula Froelich's head. [Gatecrasher]
• The Oscars suck. Try something more democratic, like the Felixes. [The Felixes]
• Ashlee Simpson is David Lee Roth. Sorry, David. [CityRag]

The hipster literary movement has officially kicked into disaffected ironic overdrive. Twenty-three year old David Amsden's new book Important Things That Don't Matter chronicles the life of a twenty-year old in Rockville, MD. The character's parents are divorced and a typical scene in the book has "the main character as a child watching a pornographic film on videotape while his father snorts cocaine." Amsden, a former New Yorker intern and sometime pal of photographer Ryan McGinley and Ken Park actress Tiffany Limos, lives in Williamsburg. His mantra: "You've got to have some sort of faith in people...at least in your ability to manipulate them." (He also has a Livejournal blog, but I can't find it. Anyone know where it is?)
Oh, to be a boldface name! [NYT]