In your holy Tuesday media column: Rupert Murdoch bathes his children in shit, David Brooks' wild undergrad antics exposed, Google has irrational hope for online ads, Playboy goes 3-D, and Donna Brazile is tired of hearing herself talk.

Lady Gaga and Sandra Bullock: What do these two attractive female celebrities have in common? They were both featured in the headlines of conservative opinion columns today! Let us investigate why Sandra Bullock and Lady Gaga were in the headlines.

Remember David Brooks, the Long Island defense contractor who spent $10 million on his daughter's bat mitzvah in 2005—the Rainbow Room blowout featured performances by Aerosmith, 50 Cent, Ciara, and Tom Petty among others—and was later accused of using company money to pay for it?

Barack Obama was sworn in as our first foreign-born Muslim President one year ago today. He gave a pretty nice speech that everyone has already forgotten. It is too bad he was already a huge failure, one week in!

Once a day we like to take a second to point out a comment that we found especially funny, interesting, or (maybe someday) uplifting. Today we get a reaction to Haiti and big bad Republicans.

Matt Taibbi translates David Brooks' "Why Haiti is Really Fucked up" column in the NYT last weekend: "Although it is true that Haiti was just like five minutes ago a victim of a random earthquake that killed tens of thousands of people, I'm going to skip right past the fake mourning period and point out that Haitians are a bunch of lazy niggers who can't keep their dongs in their pants and probably wouldn't be pancaked under fifty tons of rubble if they had spent a little more time over the years listening to the clarion call of white progress, and learning to use a freaking T-square, instead of singing and dancing and dabbling in not-entirely-Christian religions and making babies all the fucking time."
[True Slant]

Because David Gergen, Jon Meacham, Howard Fineman, Mike Allen, Josh Marshall, David Brooks, and Gail Collins did! Also: Mara Liasson, who works for NPR and the Fox News Channel that Obama wants to destroy.

Like any red-blooded American op-ed columnist, David Brooks has joined the cacophony over Jimmy Carter's "racism" remarks. But, sadly, his latest outburst won't allow comments. He's doing us all a great disfavor.

It only took New York Times official reasonable conservative columnist Ross Douthat three months to turn in his first completely dishonest paint-by-numbers Republican hack op-ed. Did you know that red states rule, and blue states drool?

He is talking about how Senators are lonely, and desperate for love, or something.

Hey baby, what's your major? Philosophy? Oh yeah? Me too. Wait? David Brooks said what? God/Print/Hip Hop/Web2.0/Print/Facebook and Philosophy is dead??? And then 446 unemployed philosophy majors commented in protest??? Oh, hell no.

Ha, the University of Chicago's newspaper dug up a 1982 column by NYT bobo David Brooks. It's about his nightmares. He had an intense fear of gargoyles, zombies, and totally weird wallpaper:

Barack Obama is wooing the milquetoast-conservative punditocracy tonight, at George Will's house (obvs). And the Times better have the killer inside scoop, because its columnists are all up in that dinner party.

We're back from vacation and need to learn to hate again, so let's check in with famous New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks, shall we? Today, the last conservative intellectual in America is writing about this new recession we're in, and how it will make so many people sad, and mad. There is no money! Where is the money? This thing called "the market" was supposed to make the money get bigger and bigger every year forever until Jesus came back, but instead it just ate all the money, but David Brooks doesn't really want to talk about that. He wants to talk about The Middle Class! There isn't one, anymore.

"Not once did we consider asking Washington to bail out the Sun," proclaimed the conservative New York newspaper in a deathbed editorial this morning that cited the importance of adhering to its highminded free-market "principles." But it turns out that they did almost precisely that kind of! See, some of the Sun's capitalist backers had a bunch of money invested in the private equity firm Cerberus, which controls the auto financing firms Chrysler Financial and GMAC. (And also, owns Chrysler itself, which was also a bad idea.) Auto financing firms are sitting on truckloads of car loans gone bad in no small part because people can't get home equity loans to pay them off like they used to, which is (a major reason) why the whole auto industry has gone to shit. So…guess which struggling private equity firm was about to get some major R-O-L-A-I-D-S from that big communist bailout bill all those ideological comrades of the Sun just voted down?Yup! Cerberus! Oh well, that's the free market! Says a source: "[Sun Editor Seth] Lipsky gave up trying to raise money after the bailout failed to pass." So it turns out it is not only middle-class social conservatives in Kansas who will vote Republican against their economic self-interest. Zionist New York plutocrat neoconservatives will too. Even if it means silencing their mouthpiece forever! Don't worry, Seth, Republicans will continue doing the talking (out of both sides of their mouths) for you, as conservative columnist David Brooks did today:

In what is perhaps a brilliant meta move, today's David Brooks column on how aggregation is the new taste is actually composed entirely (and without citation) from ten years of embittered blog posts, fifty years of William F. Buckley essays, that one Adbusters feature, and a healthy dose of Marshall McLuhan: "On that date," Brooks says of June 29, 2007, "media displaced culture." (It is actually astounding that the column does not explicitly say "the medium is the message," though if it did Brooks might have to move back the date of this profound cultural shift to 1964 instead of pinning it to the release of the iPhone). See, now instead of respecting the old hierarchy of art we just collate and appraise and discard pieces of culture depending on ever-shifting trends and buzz. Also we blog. It's not a bad column at all, except that we cannot figure out why the hell it's under David Brooks' byline. Are people really trying to sell him on some hot new indie band? Did he get caught up in the Black Kids hype? [NYT]

Why. Why would anyone make this. David Brooks is admittedly the best illustration for "corporate dude" basically ever, but that is exactly why this is so terrible and wrong.

"Obama, accompanied by his wife Michelle and the couple's two young daughters, was met with a roar of acclaim as he took the stage to the strains of U2's "City of Blinding Lights." [NYO]

I'm no cheerleader for this here website—after all, I quit! Monday is my last day! Even so, I can't help but be irritated when Real Media Outlets write total lies about Gawker—because it's just bad journalism. Why, they're worse than bloggers!

Friedman's oblivious egomania, Dowd's insouciance to basic norms of logical argument, Kristof's admirable ambulance chasing: all such other Times op-ed superpowers pale in comparison to David Brooks's truly awe-inspiring, magisterial laziness. Like a frat boy funneling a brew, he sits waiting for ideas to trickle down and, when he's had his fill, spits out a rank, frothy mess whose resemblance to last week's rank, frothy mess he takes as affirmative proof of his unfalsifiable claims about life and stuff. Today, he pretends to write about music. Why?