As in his appearance on the View, Bill Clinton offered the most tepid support possible for Barack Obama's presidential ticket on David Letterman's Late Show last night. After repeatedly invoking his vanquished wife Hillary, Clinton said the typical American voter will recall John McCain's heroic torture in a Vietnamese prison camp before deciding to "go the other way" and vote for... whoever that other candidate for president might be. In an inspired feat of booking, Letterman had comedian Chris Rock lined up to follow Clinton and, uh, remind him who won the primary. Video after the jump.

Bill Clinton will appear on David Letterman's show later tonight, but he gave a sneak preview of what he might say earlier today on the View. Don't expect the former president to come out swinging against Sarah Palin the way he did against Barack Obama during the primary. Asked a question that tied sexist treatment of his wife during the Democratic primary to supposedly sexist treatment of the Republican vice presidential nominee now, Clinton didn't utter a peep to challenge the shaky premise that Palin has been seriously hurt by a sexist media. Instead he talked about what a powerful force sexism has become — more ignored than racism, even! (Click the video icon to watch the clip.) But this doesn't necessarily mean Clinton is still bitter toward Obama.

You might not guess it at first, but in the schema of exotic celebrity baby-adopting, obtaining the child is often the easiest part of the whole endeavor. Especially for Meg Ryan, who regaled David Letterman's viewers Friday night with her tale of baby procural in the farthest-flung reaches of China. As she navigated the teeming metropolis of her daughter's birth, at the mercy of maternal instinct and Google Maps directions 12 pages long, she fielded one e-mail after another recommending potential baby names. Among the most intriguing was a note from an unnamed "bipolar" friend who offered the brilliant suggestion "Oprah Winfrey Ryan." Sadly, after a month of deliberation, Ryan went with "Daisy" — tired, we know, but not for lack of inspiration. We think that celebrity offspring named after celebrities is an idea whose time has come. Hear Ryan's story after the jump, and join us in selecting the top celebrity-celebrity baby names of the future. Help us help her to not make the same mistake twice.

Clearly exhausted from their earlier morning-show rendezvous with Brian Williams, Righteous Kill co-stars Robert De Niro and Al Pacino last night indulged David Letterman with one final on-camera tryst before returning to the anonymity of their respective solo careers. And what a fitting send-off, with the pair teaming up on the "Top 10 Reasons I Like Being an Actor" — a droll bit of thanksgiving that still won't make us forget Heat, but may yet be proven our lone cultural reward for tolerating the existence of Righteous Kill at all. See what kind of magic is possible when less than 12 producers are involved? Next time, guys, next time. [CBS]

• David Letterman had his second-highest ratings of the year last night thanks to Barack Obama's appearance. [THR]

Key difference between Barack Obama and John McCain: Unlike his notoriously temperamental Republican opponent, Obama tends to keep his cool even in the most trying of circumstances. For communicating that message to voters, Obama's appearance on David Letterman last night was effective politics. The presidential nominee joked about the ginned-up scandal around his use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig," and that phrase's alleged ties to McCain running mate Sarah Palin. He even got in a clever wisecrack about being jealous of Palin's celebrity. The only snag is that Letterman's audience, at least compared to its competitors, tends toward the younger coastal "elites" who were already going to vote for Obama. Sigh. At least we'll always have the clip. Click the video icon to watch. [via Huffington Post]

Keira Knightley dropped by the Late Show last night in the midst of the host's near Network-worthy televised meltdown about our doomed planet. To her credit, she managed to evade all the dark prophesying, and even remained chipper when Letterman forced her to address the one topic that follows her more tenaciously than a swarthy French Riviera paparazzo on a Vespa: her body. Whether she's being accused of being a fanorexic thinspiration, or suing over those accusations, or being entered by her own studio into a Wet Nightie Contest, or fighting off their one-sheet breast-enhancement attempts, it seems no body has endured more scrutiny than hers. Can you blame her for not wanting to squat on cue? [Late Show]

On a clear day Robin Williams can see forever — or at least to Alaska, from which Sarah Palin's fiefdom crept souther and souther until going absolutely radioactive this week in St. Paul. Assessing the phenomenon last night on Letterman, Williams alluded to the hard questions in its wake; to wit, how does a mother of five find time to hunt caribou? And what exactly does set a "snow machine" champion like Todd Palin apart from lesser men? It's one of the comic's more inspired tangents of late, and one that reminded us how little the issues really matter when we can conceivably have a vice president who can play wineglasses like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. This politics thing gets easier for us every day. [CBS]

It's altogether possible that Nicolas Cage's new film Bangkok Dangerous is among his finest — a lively, entertaining adventure recalling his early years romping through movies by the Coens, David Lynch and his uncle Francis Ford Coppola. Still, we relieved most of our illusions fairly early in Cage's appearance last night on Letterman, when the Oscar-winner-for-hire confessed both his inability to distinguish his twin-brother directors from each other and his time spent fleeing Thailand's recent coup d'etat with his wife and child. But then we felt a certain restorative surge of confidence, a sort of implied Method veracity that re-established our faith in his cockroach-eating batshittery of yore. So now we're just confused. But hey as long as it's not, like, Ghost Rider 2 or... Wait, what? Oh. So much for optimism. [CBS]

Sitting down with Rolling Stone for a rare interview, David Letterman opened up on his two-step process of alienating and courting some of his most famous guest-emies—towering pop culture figures like Madonna, Oprah, and Richard Simmons—as well as his own plans for retirement. ("I would like to go beyond [my contracted] 2010, not much beyond," he told them.) He was also asked to weigh in on the curious scheduling shift going on at his old network NBC, where top ratings-getter Jay Leno is being forcibly vacated to make room for new The Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien, and his Late Night successor, Jimmy Fallon. No one is more confused about the changes than Letterman:

"Unless I’m misunderstanding something, I don’t know why, after the job Jay has done for them, why they would relinquish that... I guess empathy is the right word." [Times]

Seth Rogen adds another dimension of career versatility this week with Pineapple Express, audiences' first glimpse at his impressive action chops. As explained to David Letterman in no uncertain terms on Monday night, however, the Power Schlub — who is starting out preparations for his title role in The Green Hornet — still has a ways to go before achieving the muscular standard of his genre counterparts. For starters, we don't imagine Daniel Craig struggles as mightily with crunches as Rogen has, and even Tobey Maguire seems to have overcome the training anguish to which Rogen claims he's succumbed as unglamourously as possible. But look on the bright side, Seth: If ever Hollywood had a quick fix for a fitter, thinner you, stomach-emptying is indeed as tried-and-true a method as any. Ask anyone — and keep at it! [CBS]

David Letterman's Late Night couch has become the one-stop shop for celebrity revelations these days, whether it's Mindy Kaling breaking out her trusty Apu impression or Rosie Perez mistaking her co-star for a popular follicle stimulant. Late Show mainstay Richard Simmons at first seems poised for a similar breakthrough moment as he pulls a Tom Cruise, climbing aboard Dave's couch in this clip (preserved after the jump). However, instead of shouting out his adoration for a CW starlet, the exercise guru makes an impassioned plea for...physical education. Head in hands, Simmons' long-suffering publicist put in a reassuring call to Blake Lively ("The plan is still on — I swear!") and booked a romantic do-over on the next episode of Tyra. [CBS]

Our hearts go out today to Mindy Kaling, the Office co-writer/producer/star who last night confronted the indignity of Indian-American typecasting in a wrenching appearance on Letterman. That said, to the extent we acknowledge her Emmy-nominated prime-time offerings over the last few years, we also think it best for everyone's sake that her call-center appearance in Baby Mama — complete with accent admittedly lifted from The Simpsons' Apu — found its way to history's dustbin with no more damage than it caused during last night's broadcast. We guess we can all laugh about it now, but hear the full, traumatizing story after the jump. Stay strong, Mindy. [CBS]

A movie set can often be a busy place—so many people! Doing so many different things!—so a hardworking actress like Rosie Perez can be forgiven if she occasionally slips up on a makeup girl or AD's name. But what about, say, shitting the bed when crediting the star of her current movie, who also happens to be to the writer, on a national TV appearance? Wait—we're not done yet. Now, let's say she doesn't just mispronounce it, but replaces it entirely with a popular men's hair-restoration product. What then? We're torn, ourselves. On the one hand, Perez is just about cute enough to get away with it. On the other, did you really think his name is Seth Rogaine, Rosie? Like, really? Are we next to hear about your exciting guest arc on The Bad Mother's Handbook starring Propecia Silverstone?

The upcoming issue of Star breathlessly reports that Spencer Pratt Attack ringleader and excellent on-screen kisser Mary-Kate Olsen might be headed back to the floral pastures of celebrity rehab any day now. The mag's sources cite a quasi-recent “collapse” outside an LA club, ongoing depression over her “lover” Heath Ledger’s sudden death, and brewing tension between MK and her more low-key twin, Ashley. But, as we pointed out earlier this month, the twinset’s more rebellious (and interesting) half is on a roll. After appearing on her first Elle cover solo, starring in a critically praised indie movie and, of course, teaming up with David Letterman in a campaign to destroy everyone’s most hated reality villain, Mary-Kate hasn’t shown any signs of crumbling. We took a closer look at this alleged collapse, the odds that Ledger and the itty bitty billionaire were in any way involved romantically, just how grave the tiny twosome’s differences are, and came up with three reasons why we don’t buy it.

There's a dude in Utah who'll tattoo your teeth for you. While tooth (actually crown) tattoo is clearly a natural progression in body art, I think the real surprise here is that there're novel forms of bling being developed in the Jell-O belt. The procedure costs between $75 and $200, usually takes a half-hour, and will give you a lifetime of shame and regret. Steve Heward, the oral Donatello behind this innovation, seems to specialize in faces like Micky Mouse, Amy Winehouse, and Abraham Lincoln. A parade of horribles after the jump.

· Things we learned at the Los Angeles Film Festival this week. School Of Rock 2 isn't a pipe dream. Guillermo del Toro isn't going to milk The Hobbit. Women deserve equal talk show hosting rights, too. Nobody wanted to make Animal House. Chris Carter is as secretive as ever. Did somebody order stake?
· The battle between the Paps and the Surfs was kinda like the Greasers versus the Socs, only with the newly blackberry-less Matthew McConaughey playing the role of Dally. But what of the rematch?
· Mini-Me showed the world his mini-me, which should help him knock down that large tax debt.
· Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's sketchball ex, got pinched for attempting to defraud God. A judge set bail at $21 million, but who's gonna take care of the dog?
· Mary Kate Olsen de-pruned herself long enough to convince Dave Letterman that her old arch enemy Spencer Pratt is, indeed, a prat.
· No one was safe as we counted down the Hollywood's Top Ten Worst Kissers.
· Wall-E manged to get fatties and Republicans up in arms without saying a word.
· Whoa, who raped the Coreys? One mystery solved, one to go.
· AC Slater found himself embroiled in Chesthairgate.
· The Emasculation of Joshua continued, as Katherine Heigl used her whipped husband as an ashtray and made him curl her hair. Joshua did not escape unscathed.
· You can ongratulate Jason Bateman on the impending Arrested Development movie, but be sure you don't bring up pregnant teens.
· We had a dream. We had an awesome dream. Mainly b/c it was filled with lesbian werewolves.
·: Noted blog-hater Patrick Goldstein entered the blogosphere. We can only guess how many of his 1,100 pageviews came from his IP address.
· Which groovy comedy superstar is openly courting other men to touch his monkey? Perhaps they should frequent the Fox and Sony lots?
· Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. We'll miss you, George.

Right on the heels of Mary-Kate Olsen's passive aggressive jabs at ex-classmate and David Letterman punching bag Spencer Pratt last night, the professional Hollywood sleazeball has promptly retaliated by releasing a few downright cruel and unoriginal insults to Us today. As Pratt tells the weekly:

Mary-Kate Olsen is en fuego these days. First she proved that she's able to smile without looking like Renee Zellweger, then her Wackness co-star Ben Kingsley announced she is quite the siren when it comes to on-screen kissing skills, and now she's teamed up with David Letterman to slowly and swiftly decapitate Hills villain Spencer Pratt. On Dave's couch to plug her film, MKO's stoner voice waxed rhapsodically about her hippiefest of a birthday celebration at Bonaroo, and what it was like to, as Dave put it, "kiss a really old guy." But things turned far more interesting after Olsen slyly inserted the robotic nobody Pratt into the conversation. And Dave couldn't have been more pleased. Hear what MK had to reveal about going to high school with Pratt, and join us in applauding her ability to spark an insult-laden bout of commentary from Dave regarding the "wormy," "oily" Pratt.