Flannel-loving starlet Mary-Kate Olsen was in no condition to be on David Letterman's Late Show last night. Her excuse for her disjointed, unenthusiastic interview? She was "so tired" after her long trip (on an airplane, of course, not via any illegal drugs or booze or whatnot). Letterman could hardly have sounded less impressed with this, and twice referred back to how sorry he was about Olsen being "tired," by which he meant that she never should have plopped down on his damned couch if she was exhausted. Having been in show business since she was six-months old, MKO should have realized she was breaking the implicit talk-show contract: free publicity in exchange for a little coherent dish. If you're tired, buy a venti half-and-half latte to pull yourself together, or relinquish your camera time. At least Olsen shared some bitchy history on Spencer Pratt from The Hills. Clip of that and her tired-ness after the jump.

Don't believe for a second that David Letterman really broke any studio embargoes last night to tell you he loves The Dark Knight (he's not even the first to do so), but that doesn't mean the pseudo-spoilers contained herein are likely to compel you any less. In fact, the film Letterman describes may prove to be better than the finished product Warners has so ingloriously pimped for months now, right down to Batman's protective ears and the franchise-ending climax we've been hoping for. Of course, as far as we know Heath Ledger is still in the film, so maybe it's all devastatingly true. It's not like the cast hasn't been preparing us. [CBS]

All it really takes to loosen up David Letterman is a blonde (though he's been known to make exceptions) in a cleavage-enhancing dress—and bam!—the curmudgeonly late night king instantly morphs into a goofy-grinned, homeroom study partner, showering the object of his affection with a variety of softball questions and a generous selection of tinned meats. Take Charlize Theron's appearance last night, the first third of which covered how nice she looks in her dress, before segueing into the weightier topic of what she wants for her birthday. Letterman reassured the actress that he was "sending you something right now," suggesting he was stowing a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet right under his desk all along! Get it? It's his engorged penis! "Every single holiday Dave's dick in a box/Over at your parent's house Dave's dick in a box/Mid day at the grocery store Dave's dick in a box /Backstage at the CMA's Dave's dick in a box (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow)..."

As nestled as Will Smith is in the so-called "Fluke Zone," where his stardom is bulletproof and his films are fail-safe, he wasn't taking any notoriety for granted last night on The Late Show. There, in a tender promotional moment for Hancock, the actor warmed to David Letterman's compliments by leaning in for a kiss that quickly escalated into a brave new world of gay, interracial sex overtures. It wasn't always this easy for Smith, of course, who over a decade ago was talked out (by Denzel Washington, no less) of his man-kiss with Anthony Michael Hall in Six Degrees of Separation; such newly open-minded gateway intimacy augurs great things for future late-night trysts sure to culminate, as all self-reinvention must, in sex with Jimmy Kimmel. [CBS]

As the various, cretinous cast members of The Hills took to David Letterman's couch in recent weeks, more than a few of us were left wondering how the entertainment landscape had so quickly devolved from the days when the effortlessly charming and talented likes of Teri Garr would grace his stage—the two trading bon mots and flirting shamelessly, with Paul Shaffer providing a suitably white-funkified musical backdrop to the fizzy proceedings. They say you can't capture lightning in a bottle twice (do they say that? Or are we mixing our metaphors? Where were we? Oh right, Dave and Teri), but you also can't deny chemistry, and it was on abundant display when the two were reunited last night. They're grayer now, and slower—Dave touchingly guided Teri, who is suffering from MS, to her chair—but you can't deny the spark is still there. As Letterman stuck to his, "Did you do it with Elvis?"-line of questioning, Garr shot down the long-standing rumors that the two had once engaged in naked-pretzel antics themselves. But after the jump, we'd invite you to compare and contrast a classic pairing from 1986, in which an amorous Dave opens with, "I'd like to get a can of Windex and go to work." Suddenly, his preoccupation with Elvis makes sense, in a vicarious-thrills-seeking way. It's good to be The King.

· Wow—the backdoor compliments were really flying when Jane Krakowski took Letterman's couch last night, but luckily most of them flew over the talk show host's head. [Late Show]
· Behold: Today's unveiling of the massive Dave Beckham underwear ad on a San Francisco Macy's. If you think those bloodcurdling sounds at the beginning are bad, just wait until his Volkswagen-sized package is revealed. [YouTube]
· Speaking of which, we hear Will Smith has a similarly proportioned super-endowment in his new movie. [thelondonpaper.com]
· Robert Davis of Paste magazine and Sue Pierman of The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel are about to become the laughingstock of the terrible-Mike-Myers-movie-critiquing field. [Rotten Tomatoes]
·And finally: What the fuck is Mario Lopez's problem? No—like seriously. What is up with this dude? [Just Jared]

Like Danny Kaye in White Christmas, David Letterman doesn't quite get choreography. Or maybe theatre altogether. And he's not afraid to tell that to the delightful Jane Krakowski, in amusing fashion. Clip is above.

Now that we've viewed Get Smart, we feel safe and more than a little sad to report that the sluggish advance word — i.e. "staggeringly bad" — overheard a few weeks ago wasn't too far from the truth. Worse yet, the contagion appeared to have reached Late Night with David Letterman on Tuesday, when the host noted a physical resemblance between star Steve Carell and the late Don Adams, the original Maxwell Smart whom Carell momentarily claimed to have met at this week's premiere. Honest mistake, apparently — he meant to say "Adams's widow"! Shortly after correcting Carell, Letterman proposed showing a clip; the star's deadpan gives way to a look of head-shaking terror we think he actually may have meant in earnest. Or perhaps it was just our post-Smart malaise messing with us. Judge for yourself after the jump, and let's all hope Carell has a less unnerving late-night act together by the time the inevitable Get Smart 2 comes around in a couple of years. [CBS]

Breaking: Spencer Pratt is an asshole. The resident villain and couch-sitter on The Hills was on David Letterman's little show on Friday night, talking about his high-rollin', baller lifestyle. He said that he demands $100,000 for a one-night appearance at a nightclub. The audience laughed, Dave laughed. It was a funny joke. Except then Spencer was all "naw, dude, I'm serious." And Letterman's expression changed sadly and Spence looked even more like a bratty little kid, slouched in his chair, not getting the extremely loud and glaring joke of himself. Then Paul Shaffer made a funny! Clip is above. [From Jossip]

David Letterman and Julia Roberts were reunited on last night's Late Show, and it didn't feel so hot. The self-exiled Most Powerful Actress in Show Business seemed to us unnecessarily hard on the host and gushing dad, who was trying to make some point about celebrity baby-math (something about exponential levels of household chaos, not the old adage about knocking $5 mil off the opening weekend for every pregnancy). He was swiftly made to look the buffoon by the Charlie Wilson's War star and her rigidly literal-minded interpretation of family-sizes. And no one makes Dave look the buffoon—well, except maybe Julia. [Late Show]

Sue Simmons is the WNBC personality who famously swore at her co-anchor during a live promo last week, scandalizing New York viewers of NBC drama Medium and prompting sympathy from network colleagues on the Today show, who said anyone could slip up like that. But CBS' Late Show host David Letterman isn't about to let the scandal drop; he's milked the incident for all it's worth, airing a new clip of Simmons swearing every night this week. It looks like Letterman plans to make his "Local News Highlight Of The Night" feature a going concern, but making Simmons the butt of his joke every night would get pretty repetitive, wouldn't it? Yes, and actually, knowing Letterman, he can keep up this sort of drumbeat for weeks. After the jump, the four WNBC segments the Late Show has run thus far.

It was only a matter of time 'til everyone’s collective inside joke about Sex And The City sounding a whole lot like Sex And The Shitty accidentally escaped from one talking head’s mouth. And of all the people to do it, we couldn’t be happier that fuzzy ol’ Dave Letterman was the one to (oops!) say this particular darndest thing out loud. Because how exactly can sweet-as-sugar Kristin Davis get mad at sweet-as-butterscotch Dave? Sure, we could all get irritated at Paul seizing the blooper as an opportunity to get all curse-happy up on the set, but when Dave pulls out the passive aggressive jab at the Most Important Movie Of All Time, even its soberific star has to laugh along. Even when he goes so far as to bypass any discussion of the shitty film whatsoever.

Gripped by a paralzying case of Rain Manesque echolalia on her Late Show appearance last night ("OK, so you're going to follow Harrison Ford. He has a movie coming out? Indiana Jones? Then Dave will ask you all about your little E! reality show. Don't forget to have fun!") aspiring Lohan Ali seemed incapable of responding with much more than a nervous, "Yeah," to most of host David Letterman's questions. (We've added dings to help you count them: 21 in two minutes.)

Looking remarkably sober and well-recovered from last weekend's Cannes-diana Jones sojourn, Harrison Ford returned home Tuesday for the film's long-awaited Harlem premiere (yes, Harlem) and a requisite visit with David Letterman. The conversation quickly turned to Ford's piloting hobby — particularly his fondness for taking off in a Beaver. What? No, not a late-model Calista Beaver, but rather a vintage de Havilland model — the bulletproof kind flown covertly by the CIA during Vietnam. Naturally Letterman's audience followed his train of thought straight into the gutter, but an unfazed Ford stuck to the high road with tales of his soaring journeys into the bush. If only Kevin Spacey had shown the host so much class the night before. [The Late Show With David Letterman]

· So David Letterman goes to the trouble of getting Kevin Spacey a Jamba Juice, per his request, and Spacey thanks him by dumping the entire thing—on his carpet. Moral of the story? Never pay it forward, at least where Spacey is concerned. [Late Show]
· Hey—Carrie Bradshaw left her Mac desktop open for anyone to just snoop around in. We really shouldn't. Well...maybe just for a second. What does this Stickie say? "Buy...black suit...for Miranda's...funeral." Oh no! We should have never snooped! [Carrie's Macbook]
· And the "world's biggest star" teased for the Idol finale is...George Michael? [E! Online]
· Jake Gyllenhaal has been confirmed as the lead in the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time for Disney. It's about time Jake got a superhero franchise! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to buy an Xbox 360 and every edition of the Prince of Persia series, mastering every last trap door and hidden level in time for the movie's release. We suggest you do the same. Jake deserves nothing less. [THR]

Judging by her appearance on The Late Show Friday night, Liv Tyler isn’t wasting any time moping over her recent separation from husband Royston Langdon. Showing up in a body-hugging little black silk dress, its lace top doing little to cover up cleavage, and pounds of makeup covering her typically bare face, it looks as though Tyler is taking a page from the Gwyneth Paltrow Guide To Hot Rock Moms. But does the trampy look work on Tyler? A closer look after the jump.

Once upon a time, a wacky new talk show called Late Night With David Letterman premiered on NBC. And on that very first episode in 1982 was an up-and-coming comic actor by the name of Bill Murray.

Watching Shia LaBeouf recount for David Letterman the amusing circumstances surrounding his arrest last November at a Chicago Walgreens for drunken, public benzoyl-peroxide abuse, we were suddenly left wanting to know how—likable as he is—he so quickly ascended to superstar status. Well, that's the great thing about media-saturation campaigns riding the coattails of massive summer movie releases: Those kinds of wishes are easily granted. According to a profile in the new GQ, it all started when Steven Spielberg saw LaBeouf's Disturbia audition tape, and instantly cast him in Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. That was easy! But just who is this charismatic, precocious, and ridiculously named young man? And from whence does he come? Not too far, as GQ reports—in fact, as close by as a traveling tubesteak sideshow in Echo Park:

Stopping by the heiress-friendly zone of the Ed Sullivan Theater to plug her latest exciting venture—MTV's So You Want to Be Paris Hilton's New Top Friend or whatever—the Hottie or the Nottie star admitted she had never seen an episode of that network's massively popular realitainment, The Hills. It was a pronouncement so startling—where else do people like Hilton turn to fill the long hours between hair-extension-launch press conferences and the next SLR-hotboxing or pole-rocking opportunity?—that it instantly called to mind her blanket denial of having ever engaged in drug use of any kind during her post-incarceration Larry King Live interview. While both statements seem highly unlikely, King responded by voicing his skepticism on a later broadcast, while Letterman instead chose to hang himself in his office by Brooks Brothers necktie 30 minutes after taping. [Late Show with David Letterman]

It's time to salute David Letterman, who continues to do a great service for us, the non-Hills watcher with only a vague idea of what the hell's going on with that inexplicably popular program. Thanks to the Reality TV Catfight Reform Act of 2007, Heidi Montag was granted equal Late Show broadcast time to that of Lauren Conrad, whereupon she too was grilled by Dave on the ins and outs of their feud. Apparently, the MacGuffin propelling much of this season's warfare was a much-discussed, but yet-to-surface sex tape starring Conrad and her former lover.