Gwyneth Paltrow's bid to reestablish herself both as a commercially viable actress and a MILF-y sexpot reached new heights last night on The Late Show With David Letterman. After running into the Ed Sullivan theater looking like she just got done with a spinning class at the Equinox Gym, she entered David Letterman's notoriously chilly environs wearing a sleeveless top that was scantily cut down to there. After dispensing with the formalities (Dave complimented her towering heels, asked how the kids were, blah blah blah), Gwyneth launched into a story about how she had trouble performing a certain scene while filming Iron Man because she had recently injured her knee. While Dave feigned interest in the story of her damaged joint, Gwynnie recognized his lack of interest and decided to do something about it. Namely, she gave his knee (and a bit of his thigh) a nice little rubdown. While we can spout off a number of instances over the years where Dave has been kissed, hugged and even flashed by his guests, we believe this is the first time a guest has ever dared touch Dave's leg for this length of time. More pix of Gwyneth, including the lacy see-through getup she wore to an Iron Man screening last night, after the jump.

The contagious, gag-repeating virus that so infamously befell David Letterman a few weeks ago was apparently also contracted last Friday by Jason Segel, who regaled his host at the Ed Sullivan Theater with yet another story about his ween-baring escapades on the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yesterday on Ellen, meanwhile, Segel shared the same anecdote — literally the same one, almost verbatim down to the "Dockers" punchline. The look on Ellen's face is priceless: kind of the knowing, disbelieving grin of a woman praying her audience missed Segel's Letterman appearance and wondering how the imaginative writer of the weekend's top comedy can't find a more clever alternative for "third-string Chippendales model." But it did play well with the ladies, so hey. [video by Molly McAleer]

· Question: Why would David Letterman (and untold other horny comedy goons) be envious of a window washer? Answer: Watch the video. [Late Show]

· You'll have to wait until May 20 to get your hands on "Anywhere I Lay My Head," Scarlett Johansson's album of Tom Waits covers, but you can enjoy a sneak preview of her ear-raping rendition of "Falling Down" right now! [AOL Music]

· If you've not yet heard, Senators Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all taped messages that will air on WWE's Raw tonight, in the hopes of currying favor with the "will readily buy into heavily spun violence-as-entertainment" block of voters. [WWE.com]

· We really can't decide which month of The Texas Polygamist Wives Calendar most does it for us. Oh, who are we kidding. December: You had us at your carefully coordinated ankle socks and sensible man-satchel. [BWE]

· Just in time for Cloverfield's DVD release: J.J. Abrams thinks the best place to enjoy it is at home, just a few steps from the toilet should the shakey images on your 65-inch LCD screen make you want to hurl. [Reuters]

As far as directionless conversations with aloof, quasi-paranoid movie stars go, David Letterman's interview last night with Uma Thurman went about as well as could be expected. Perhaps retaining the slightest of old Oprah-Uma Oscar grudges toward our favorite joke-recycling late-night icon, Thurman deflects an odd series of inquiries about her country home for a full minute before anything resembling a punchline arrives. It could be a Pellicano trial reenactment as much as an affected celebrity sit-down, or perhaps just uncannily close to a conversation Thurman had earlier in the day with ex-husband Ethan Hawke. We knew Dave likes the studio cold, but watch after the jump and tell us if this isn't a bit much. [CBS]

· Al Pacino made a guest appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night to promote his new film, 88 Minutes (aka Nick Of Time 2: Nicked Again!). Let this clip of Al Pacino putting Dave Letterman and the rest of the viewing audience to sleep with his Ted Striker-esque stories be a lesson to all of you up-and-comers in Hollywood; should you ever get called to sit on the chair next to Dave, Jay, Conan, Jimmy or Craig, the most important thing you can do is to PRACTICE YOUR ANECDOTES. And if you get called to do Carson Daly's show? Don't worry, no one is watching. [CBS, video by Molly McAleer]
· In an unprecedented move in the nearly 100 year history of Hollywood, Marvel and Paramount are banding together to turn the phenomenal trailer for Iron Man into a full-length movie. We can't wait! [The Onion]
· The thing about Scientology that creeps us out the most is the fact that even the ones who get away are crazy. [YouTube]
· If they cast the Yo Quiero Taco Bell dog in Beverly Hills Ninja instead of Chris Farley, you'd have yourself Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Unholy. [/Film]
· Wondering why Short Ends came to you a few hours late tonight? Well, it's because your Uncle Grambo was finishing his taxes. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you West Coasters, there's only three hours left to file your taxes! That is, unless your first name is Wesley and your last name is Snipes. In that case, don't sweat it. [IRS]

· First there was Ninja Warrior. Then came Unbeatable Banzuke. Now, we are holding our collective breath in hopes that the G4 Network brings Screaming Japanese Man to these fine shores. Until then, this will have to do. [YouTube]
· Hey you guys, do you like popular culture? How about the internet? If you answered "Yes" to both of these questions, we'd like to wholeheartedly recommend that you pay Videogum a visit. Co-written by longtime friends of Defamer Gabe Delahaye and Lindsay "Lindsayism" Robertson, we think it will make for a nice addition to your daily routine. Give it a whirl, wontcha? [Videogum]
· For those of you who enjoy both chocolate products and cannibalism equally (and frankly, who doesn't?), we're fairly certain you're gonna get a kick out of this: Newborns made of chocolate! [Pravda]
· We like Tay Zonday and "Chocolate Rain" quite plenty, but we would never get him tattoed on our arms. Nope, his face deserves Tramp Stamp placement all the way. [Blogger]
· And lastly, while we're not generally the type to toot our own horn, it's worth noting that the impossibly shiny-haired Olivia Munn gave us a shout-out on Attack Of The Show last night. The video clip appears, as things often do here, after the jump.

Back when David Letterman was hosting Late Night, I looked forward to nothing so much as an appearance by superstar Chris Elliot. For instance, his stint as "Chris Elliot Jr." during which he would deliver a spot-on Morton Downey Jr. impression, with Dave standing in for whatever pablum-puking liberal was that night's foil. Here Chris goes after the fat cats behind 7-11.

What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.

Renee Zellweger may have brought the va va voom factor to Letterman last night in her body-hugging red Old Hollywood dress, but one of her talking points was far from glamorous. While chatting with Dave about shooting Chilled In Miami in temperatures she claimed reached 57 below, Renee delves deep into the physical effects that kind of weather can have on the body, particularly the ways in which bodily fluids react to icy weather. And those effects do not look pretty in close-ups. But thanks to her sugary Southern accent and last-minute decision to impersonate her own snot for Dave, we're ready to forgive her for all that twitchy Hitchcock-inspired emoting she slaughtered us with last month. [CBS]

Click to viewOur poor, blog-addled attention spans are often too fried to catch TV hosts recycling other people's material, let alone their own. But a quick-witted tipster pointed out how David Letterman made it easy over the last two nights, setting a remarkable new joke-recycling standard almost too good to be true. Which is to say: This can't possibly have happened on a major late-night talk show, could it? It's not as though they're verbatim plagiarizations — at least the one-word punchlines to his identical Eliot Spitzer gags were changed — but with an overlap of about 90 percent and a facial-expression redundancy rate near 100, we're wondering who Letterman's rehashed joke is actually on. Moreover, with rain today in New York, will it "feel like spring" yet again tonight? [CBS, video by Molly McAleer]

George Clooney can do no wrong. He's the biggest star in the world even though no one sees his movies (we're looking at you, Leatherheads). Ladies wanna do him, guys wanna hang out with him. Even when he's telling a clearly rehearsed story about Britney Spears, as in the video above, he can't help but be rakish and charming.

Judy Greer has been orbiting around stardom for the better part of the last 10 years. And although she's had a couple of delicious supporting turns over the years (13 Going On 30, Adaptation, Jawbreaker), she's never quite broken through into the leading lady category ... until now. Ashton Kutcher picked her to be the lead of his new ABC comedy, Miss Guided, and now the lovely and talented Miss Greer is getting her first taste of hitting the promotional circuit as a star. And guess what? She's eating it up. She was as giddy as a school girl during her appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last night, but also managed to rein in her emotions enough to tell Dave a funny story about how she's still forced to endure some of the humilities that the Hollywood machine puts second fiddles through.

We haven't associated sexiness with Brooke Shields since...well, scratch that. Even her so-called hot Calvin Klein ads never really did anything for us in terms of fantasies. As pretty as Brookie may be, her Amazonian stature and broad shoulders never put her at the top of our dream girl list. But during her appearance on last night's Late Show, Shields did her very best to not-so-subtly assure the masses that she is, indeed, one sexy mother. Feigning surprise that Dave just happened to have a copy of her latest spread in this month's Interview, in which she poses for scantily clad photos, Brooke proved that it's possible to accept compliments even when no compliments are actually given.

After gleefully watching along as Martha Stewart doused Conan O'Brien with all sorts of lush-inducing cocktails, from Guinness to gin to mystery concoctions, we put on our thinking caps and sorted through our clip-clustered memories. After we cleared the cobwebs a bit, we remembered that this wasn't the first time Martha shared her love of liquor with television hosts. Loyal Defamer readers will recall her 8am rise-and-shine mixers with Meredith Vieira on The Today Show last month, and insomniacs will certainly remember her booze-on-the-brain appearance on The Late Show last week (in which she listed at least four indecipherable drinks she calls her "favorites"). But her fondness of ladylike cocktails doesn't stop there. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer put together a burp-filled mashup of our favorite Professional Housewife's alcohol-drenched appearances of late; as always, video is available the jump.

How far David Letterman has come in his interactions with reality stars since the days when he'd require visiting Survivor castaways to stand in quarantine, disinterestedly lobbing questions about insect-ingestion from a contagion-safe distance of 15 meters. Now, they climb right into the chair next to him, just like real stars!

The Hills' promotional juggernaut rampages on (and on). The show's star, Lauren Conrad, was on Letterman last night, and all Dave cared about was Lauren's former friend, and current melodist, Heidi Montag. "Are you friends?" he asked the wispy, vaguely sad fashion designer. Of course her reply was no, so he suggested that perhaps they are "frenemies." David Letterman knows what "frenemies" are! I barely know! He must watch a lot of Sex and the City. He continued on to ask about Heidi's Silly Putty-crafted boyfriend Spencer, who he calls a "newt." Lauren, an amateur zoologist, asks "Isn't that a reptile?" and the world falls apart a little bit more. Click for video.

Comedy shows had a tough time dealing with the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal Monday night, since the story broke not in the morning papers, like most of their fodder, but in the afternoon. Comedy Central's Daily Show, for example, led with some half-baked Spitzer jokes before segueing into a package on the Wyoming Democratic primary. Half an hour later, the Colbert Report was hardly any better. Even Jay Leno on NBC's Tonight Show stumbled when he delivered an off-color joke that turned the audience against him (see video after the jump). But CBS Late Show host David Letterman, who has always affected a loose and quirky manner in front of the camera, unleashed a barrage of smart jokes at the start of his monologue that are still worth watching 36 hours later:

On last night's Late Show, guest Amy Adams and David Letterman decided to review one of poufy-lipped red carpet host Lisa Rinna's numerous gaffes on Oscar night. And after seeing this particular stomach-turning foul for the third time, we're gonna have to agree with Letterman and Adams, who essentially came to the conclusion that the soap star turned Joan Rivers 2.0 "should be fired." The best part? Even Rinna agrees!

We must say, when we envisioned a scenario in which AMPTP president and chief negotiator Nick Counter took WGAw president Patric Verrone into his strong yet tender embrace on the balcony of the famed Warner Bros. water tower, and kissed his striketime adversary truly, madly, deeply on the lips to the exuberant cheers of thousands of working writers and execs below, it was pure fantasy.

Jerry Seinfeld, whom we most recently had the pleasure of hearing robotically introduce the nominees for Best Animated Short through the guise of the CGI star of his egregiously under-publicized Bee Movie, is currently being sued by cookbook author Missy Chase Lapine for comments he made on Late Show with David Letterman. On the show, he called Lapine, who had expressed concern that Mrs. Seinfeld had stolen the basic concept of her book, a "wacko" waiting "in the woodwork," "hysterical," and "a three-name woman...and many of the three-named people do become assassins—Mark David Chapman, James Earl Ray..." Now Seinfeld's lawyers are trying to have the suit thrown out, claiming the comments were jokes, no more harmful to Lapine's reputation than an exasperatedly humorous observation about airplane-peanut packaging: