Don't be looking at me.

I've often wondered what would happen if someone found a dead body on Storage Wars. We'll still have to wait for that episode, but U.S.A. Today picked up on a mildly gross, mostly kind of sad story out of Tampa. Local news reports that it was bad luck and not foul play that led Ann Bunch's daughter to entomb her dead mom in a storage unit for 17 years.

A new study by a Mexican research group ranks the 50 most dangerous cities in the whole wide world (based on homicide rates), and guess what, Latin America seems to be a region which is unsafe, if you define unsafe as "I do not want to be murdered." Key findings:

A video emerges showing US Marines pissing on three Taliban corpses in Afghanistan. The outrage machine grinds into motion. The media bestirs itself from its slumber. Americans momentarily pay attention to the war in Afghanistan again. Politicians rush to add their names to the chorus of identical statements. All inflamed over the least bad thing that soldiers do in war.

Outstanding news, terrified Americans who watch too many fearmongering cable news crime stories: for the first time in nearly 50 years, homicide is not one of the top 15 causes of death in America. First a black president, and now this! Why, it's damn near impossible to get anyone to kill you these days. America is a safety festival, and everyone under the age of 75 is invited.

If you die in a horrific train accident, be sure to aim your severed body away from any bystanders. That's the lesson from the sad, bizarre case of Hiroyuki Joho, whom a court has ruled can be sued for injuries caused by his own body parts when he was killed by a train.

Rachel Yoder, a 15 year-old Amish girl in Ohio, was riding home in her buggy from a Christmas party last week when she was, mysteriously and without warning, shot in the head and killed. Now police have found the killer: a man who fired his "muzzle-loading rifle" into the air while cleaning it, more than a mile away.

Holiday downer time! A couple in their 70s had their vacation cut short when the wife died in the car, somewhere around Pasco, Washington. The husband made the decision to turn the vehicle around and drive back home to attend to his wife's burial. But home was 225 miles north, across the Canada-U.S. border, in Oliver, B.C.

One hundred and forty three—can that possibly be right?—yes, one hundred and forty three people have died so far in one town in India from drinking a batch of bootleg liquor this week. Police say the liquor was spiked with methanol to "boost its kick." That has the side effect of killing you. The AP reports:

#RIPScottBaio was trending on Twitter this afternoon, despite the effusive and vulgar protestations of the Joanie and Chachi star. If you'd visited Wikipedia, searching (as one does) for some "Baio"-graphical information, you would've learned what killed him: diaper rash. "There was only one way to spread awareness of the very real threat of 'diaper death,'" I was told when I talked the guy who'd kicked off the rumor.

Imagine scanning the obituary section of your local paper, only to be shocked and saddened to see the name of a friend, relative or neighbor listed there — someone who seemed in perfect health the last time you spoke to them. Now imagine calling the grieving family to offer your condolences, only to have the recently departed answer the phone with a cheery, "Hello!...Whaaat? No, of course I'm not dead, Shirl. Whatever would have given you that idea?"

Used to be, we buried the bodies of the dead in the ground. Imagine the cost: coffin, embalming, funeral service, shovels. Labor. It adds up. Nowadays, we just burn em.

The inquisitive users of Quora—the social networking equivalent of a 2-year-old who keeps asking "Why?"—have put their minds together to answer a burning question from the most gentle person ever to use an internet message board: "If you injure a bug, should you kill it or let it live?"

Legendary broadcast journalist Larry King made a startling announcement on CNN Presents: A Larry King Special: Dinner with the Kings. The announcement was about his death:

In what may be the first case of tragic e-mail spam, a family keeps receiving spam emails from their dead mother's email account. From wtsp.com:

"I'm not afraid of death," Woody Allen famously said. "I just don't want to be there when it happens." Of course, that's the one experience we all get to share, and artists of all stripes have offered their commentary on life's impermanence. To wit: Mathieu Lehanneur, whose "Tomorrow Is Another Day" is a weather-station terminal that projects a video image of tomorrow's forecast, allowing the viewer to jump ahead in time.

Comedian Patrice O'Neal is dead at 41, reports TMZ. He suffered a stroke last month. "It's true that our pal Patrice O'Neal has passed away," tweeted Opie, of "Opie and Anthony." "The funniest and best thinker I've ever known PERIOD."

On Sunday, a man standing outside the train station in Gothenburg, Sweden, "suddenly caught on fire," according to a witness. Police have no idea who he is. Welcome to another weekend in the country that brought you Girl With the Dragon Tattoo!

Day two of bad news for the Air Force's vaunted mortuary affairs operation at Dover, Delaware, where our nation's war dead are lovingly and respectfully welcomed home. Yesterday we learned that the Air Force is known to lose a body part or two on occasion. Today we come to find that for most of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars it disposed of loose unidentified body parts by burning them and throwing them in a landfill.

Andy Rooney's college roommate, Bob Ruthman, died of a heart attack today while attending the 60 Minutes staple's memorial luncheon at the Century Club in Manhattan. They lived together at Colgate University in the '40s. When you have a bunch of 90 year-olds hanging out together, this is probably a statistical inevitability. And with that, the last two remaining members of the Colgate Class of '43 went out in style.