The FDA's main plan to getting Americans to give up the vile weed "tobacco" is to put increasingly nasty photos in increasingly prominent places on cigarette packs, until it simply becomes too socially awkward for anyone to carry around cigarettes. This will not work. But it's entertaining to watch the process! "Entertaining" meaning "nasty."

On June 2, Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez, a 53-year-old registered sex offender, rode his bicycle to the house of a 77-year-old woman who lived nearby in Refugio County, Texas. He broke in, and, wielding a knife, raped the woman. And then:

We first became familiar with terminal cancer patient and all-around loveable guy Aaron Jamison last year, when we heard about his plan to sell advertising space on his cremation urn in order to help his wife pay the bills after he died. You, the Gawker readers, chipped in to help Aaron and his wife Kristin, and they thanked you. Since a holiday update last December, we hadn't heard any more from Kristin and Aaron (although Aaron has still been updating his blog, which can be found here.)

Jack Kevorkian, the physician and assisted-suicide advocate who claimed to have helped 130 people kill themselves and served eight years in prison for second degree murder after letting a 60 Minutes crew film a suicide, died last night the old-fashioned way: from a blood clot.

Geronimo Pratt, the former Black Panther and FBI target who spent 27 years in prison before his murder conviction was vacated, has died at his home in Tanzania the age of 63.

Gluten taste! Chronic fatigue! E. coli! Lady clots! Food symbols! Cilantro nastiness! Sun safety! And eluding mosquitoes with potions made of science! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—hotly, of course!

Are you partial to smoking hookahs, whitey? If you're not a college student you're like, "Fuck am I, a college student?" If you're a college student you're like "Totally, check mine out." Either way, you probably have cancer and herpes.

For too long, Hispanic Americans have been forced to tolerate a world in which artificial food products were not advertised to them with satisfactory ferocity. No longer. You Spanish-speakin' people want some dang Kool Aid? We gotcher Kool Aid!

Cassidy, a Philly rapper who used to be with Swizz Beatz back in the day, has been jailed for violating his probation. He's on probation for a manslaughter case n 2005, stemming from a shootout near his house. His lawyers have denied a TMZ report that he's a suspect in another murder case. Also, rapper M-Bone of Cali Swag District (the "Dougie" people) was killed in a drive-by shooting in Inglewood, California on Sunday. Also, local Virginia rapper Trey Pound, 24 and an Iraq war veteran, was shot and killed after pissing off another guy in a rap battle. That was in 2008, but the full details have just emerged, so we'll include it here.

It is the final, sweetest "fuck you" to America when a fast-food mogul lives a long, healthy life, and passes away at an age that their most ardent patrons could never hope to reach, what with the saturated fats and all. In just the past few years, sausage king Jimmy Dean died at age 81; Taco Bell founder Glen Bell died at 86; Sonic founder Troy Smith died at 87; Hardees founder Wilber Hardee died at 89; Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins died at 90; Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher died at 90; and frozen french fry mogul J.R. Simplot passed on at the ripe old age of 99.

A 60-something year-old British woman went to the supermarket this morning in the town of Arona on the Spanish resort island of Tenerife. That was her last mistake.

Daryl Hawks, the 38-year-old sports anchor for NBC's Chicago affiliate, was found dead in an Atlanta hotel room today. Hotel employees reportedly found his body after he missed his wake-up call. Police say there's "no reason to believe foul play was involved." Hawks was in Atlanta to cover the Chicago Bulls' NBA playoff game tonight. [Sun-Times]

Eye disease! Springtime anorexia! Food pathogens! Coca-Cola chemicals! Chinese smoking! Tall blood clots! Botox lawsuits! Teen drinking! And legal stem cell research, yeah! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smoking!

Super computers! Narcissistic kids! Harvard scandals! Floating ants! Big lasers! Lying Superman! Magic batteries! Anti-helium! And sexxxy peacock pimping secrets! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—bitingly!

A British human cannonball died today when his safety net failed to engage during a "daredevil stunt show." Turns out shooting yourself out of a cannon is almost as dangerous as going to McDonald's. [SkyNews via TDB]

Happy Monday morning, everyone. Remember that huge mass grave of murder victims found in Mexico this month? Yes, well. It's up to 177 bodies now. And, believe it or not, its mere existence is not the worst part.

Enjoy your unfettered right to spread emphysema to your fellow bar patrons while you can, America: a new CDC report *estimates* that by 2020, every state in our hazy union will have a New York-style law banning indoor smoking. Fuckers.

Parents: have you purchased your baby a top-of-the-line crib and lovingly accentuated it with "Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals?" You have, haven't you? Because you care about little Aedynn, don't you? Yeah, about death.

Peggy Scott Adams is a Grammy-nominated gospel singer and owner of the Robert L. Adams Mortuary in Compton, California, one of the few funeral homes in America that offers drive-thru open-casket displays. The Los Angeles Times profiled Adams this weekend and made a strangely entrancing video about her business.

Most Americans think of our neighbor to the south, the land of Meh-hee-ko, as a place primarily populated by taco-wielding mariachi bands passing out tequila shots in a welcoming spirit of friendship, speaking "espanyole." We regret to inform you that that impression may be overoptimistic.