Rudolf Alexandrov, a 71 year-old adjunct math professor at Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia, reportedly "became agitated" just before his 5:30 p.m. class in the St. Joseph's Hall building (pictured) Wednesday night.

Guns! Guns! We need more guns! We need more people carrying guns! We need more people carrying guns outside, in public, everywhere, constantly armed! What America needs are more armed citizens in public, ready to shoot!

Brian Pollard of Kentucky received just a four-day jail sentence for a drunk driving-related crash that killed his passenger, because everyone forgot to tell the judge and prosecutor about the passenger, somehow. Pollard could face additional charges. [Image via AP]

Not to be preachy, or anything, but, if you ever find a "brick of an unknown substance" floating in the ocean, you should "just say no" to snorting it. Especially if you are a 53-year-old on a fishing trip.

The feds are now investigating the death of Kelly Thomas, a homeless, schizophrenic man who died earlier this month after being severely beaten by Fullerton, California police officers. If agents determine that Thomas' civil rights were violated, they'll send their info to the Department of Justice, who can file charges.

In April of 2010, Raquel Nelson and her four year-old son crossed a busy street near Atlanta. Her son was struck and killed, by a driver who "had been drinking earlier in the day while taking pain medication, was partially blind in one eye, and had two previous hit-and-run convictions." So naturally, prosecutors decide to arrest and charge Nelson with vehicular homicide, for jaywalking.

A South African man spent about 24 hours in a morgue this weekend. Not, like, hanging out! No, as a dead body.

If you spent yesterday huddled in a corner with a bottle of vodka, crying and depressed about all of the massacre and death news that this weekend has brought us so far, well ... you might want to get a refill on that drink.

Last November, veteran Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen was shot and killed for no apparent reason while driving her car (pictured) in Hollywood. After a couple of weeks of conspiracy theorizing, police pinned the crime on a random guy named Harold Smith, who shot himself dead as the police closed in on him. Now, police are officially closing the case. But uh... hmm.

Alfa Choice, a 29 year-old former high school biology teacher, drove with her 44 year-old boyfriend, Christopher Shears, to the middle of the Tappan Zee bridge yesterday morning. There, the couple parked and exited their Chevy Tahoe. Both were naked. They climbed on the roof of their car and then over the bridge's anti-suicide fence. Choice reportedly fell first, "either slipping or falling" (or possibly pushed); Shears followed her over. They were later pulled from the water nearly 200 feet below. Choice died. Shears is in critical condition. What was that all about?

You know those people who are always like "Well, yes, that guy was attacking you, but it was just a fistfight. You had no reason to hit him with that chair"? Man, I can't stand those people. What they don't take into account is that, yes, one punch can totally kill you.

Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!

It's always oddly fascinating to read interviews in which Big Tobacco executives are spoken to like ordinary businessmen rather than like the inhuman monsters that they clearly are. Look, the heartless ogre can talk just like a normal human!

It's early, but this should be a lock for Most Awful Story of the Day: Isayah Muller (pictured) graduated from high school in the Bronx on Tuesday. Afterwards, he went out to a celebration dinner with his family. When his father, Andre, got back in the car after the dinner, he found that a $200 bottle of cologne was missing. Andre, with his family in the car, drove back to the parking garage where he'd been parked and confronted the attendants there, accusing them of stealing the cologne. They let him search the office. He couldn't find it. So, police say, he attacked one of the parking attendants, punching him. The other attendant grabbed a knife to defend his colleague.

Like something out of a Sam Raimi movie or a really dark version of Tom Sawyer, a Russian woman who was declared dead after collapsing with chest pains awoke at her own funeral and promptly died of a heart attack caused by the shock of waking up at her own funeral. Comically tragic or tragically comical? [Daily Mail]

Earlier this month, a fight broke out on the Brighton Beach boardwalk in Brooklyn, and a teenager was shot and killed. That's tragic. Now, residents are calling for everyone on the boardwalk to be searched. That's asinine.

As he approached the 29,000-foot peak of Mt. Everest, climber Rodney Hogg discovered the frozen body of his old friend, Peter Kinloch — a 28-year-old from Scotland who died of frostbite and exhaustion scaling the same path just months before. He told The Mirror:

Any news story about a fatality on the Great White Way should instantly bring to mind everyone's favorite web slinger, but while Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark has maimed many, it has yet to actually kill anyone. (And let's hope it stays that way.) But it's another musical — the far less death-defying revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying — that had to contend with the sad loss of a crew member on Wednesday night, just minutes before the curtain went up on its 100th performance.

Police have released the findings from their investigation into the violent, fiery death by car crash of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and passenger Zachary Hartwell: Dunn, who was driving, had a blood alcohol content was 0.196, more than double Pennsylvania's legal limit of 0.08. His Porsche was traveling between 132 and 140MPH at the time of the crash. [TMZ, image via Getty]

Following Bam Margera's outrage over a Roger Ebert tweet about Jackass star Ryan Dunn's death ("friends don't let jackasses drink and drive") Ebert has taken to his blog.