In the last six months, three New Yorkers have died after hopping down onto the subway tracks to retrieve something they dropped. Subways are not funhouse playlands! Are you being unsafe underground? This easy guide should help.

Today in 'Things That Will Kill You:' Your balcony. (If you had one).

The Way We Live Now: Realigning our expectations with reality. It's better to say that than to say that we're finally resigning ourselves to the soul-crushing exigencies of fate. Only Wal-Mart can save us now.

Four years ago Emily Failla, a 24-year-old teacher, died while rock climbing in Washington State. Last week, her younger sister, 25-year-old Lauren Failla, was bitten and killed by a crocodile while snorkeling in India. Damn. [NYP]

The metaphysical teasing is over, and LOST is finally unclasping her bra, revealing her goods. Last night the death toll started to rise, promising tears from the weak-stomachs and high-fives for those of us expecting a good old-fashioned bloodbath finale.

British soldier Craig Harrison killed two Taliban machine gunners in Afghanistan at a distance of 8,120 feet, setting a vaguely depressing record. The previous vaguely depressing record, set by a Canadian sniper, was 7,972 feet. [Sky News]

"The 50cm long Asian swamp eel was allegedly inserted into the unnamed man's bottom, after he passed out drunk, by pals playing a prank on him." That is all. [The Sun]

Last week we brought you the heartbreaking story of Aaron Jamison, the terminally ill man selling ad space on his cremation urn in order to raise money to keep his wife out of debt. Well, he succeeded.

First, MacLaren strollers ate up your baby's fingers. Then, your naturalistic baby sling smothered your baby. And now, Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled, because they will "suffocate or strangle" your baby. Your baby! Your baby! Your baby! [Pic]

An MTA worker was electrocuted today when he slipped and fell on the third rail.

Eighteen year-old Kayla Gerdes, high on Oxycontin and driving a van, struck and killed a 69 year-old retired doctor on Long Island Tuesday. That's bad enough. Kayla, however, made it worse, by saying the very worst possible things.

Aaron Jamison has terminal colon cancer and expects to die within nine months. Despite this, his spirits are high; he hands out bracelets that read "Cancer Sucks ... Life is Good ... Choose Joy." And also...good lord...

Scientists are bashing minty tobacco-filled "Camel Orbs" candies, because they might get kids addicted to nicotine. "Nuh uh" a big tobacco spokesman retorts. When will scientists hop off the bitchy teen hater train, and onto the nicotine flavor train? [NYT]

Edwin Valero was one of the most promising boxers on the planet, and a national hero in Venezuela. But last weekend he killed his wife. And this morning he killed himself.

New York lighting designer Alejandro Bulaevsky was found dead in his downtown apartment handcuffed, wearing a gas mask and latex suit. Police also found "several sadomasochistic contraptions" and steroids at the scene. Neighbors say he was a "party guy."

Not the physical act, but the London store of that name he and Vivienne Westwood opened in the 70s. His partner says he was possibly exposed to asbestos while demolishing the ceiling. Which could have caused his deadly cancer.

Sad (but unsurprising) news at the end of this great story on Alex Chilton's quiet, comfortable New Orleans life: the legendary musician did not have health insurance. (Also: he loved Walker, Texas Ranger and Touched by an Angel!)

President Barack Obama has personally ordered the assassination of a U.S. citizen. Yep! The C.I.A. is authorized to kill cleric Anwar al-Awlaki wherever and whenever they find him. At home, on vacation, maybe right behind you. Crypto-fascists are thrilled!

Thalidomide and soda and Vitaminwater and Jesus H. Christ, the Christians are doing yoga. It's your daily health watch, where we watch your health—while sinning!

Easter. A time for chocolate, contemplation, and family. And, if you're a couple of kids in a Des Moines park, for finding a dead body while on an easter egg hunt. (We're not going to make a resurrection joke.) [AP]