Monkey soldiers of killer doom? Prehensile terror tails and teeth! Trained macaques wielding automatic weapons and Islamofasctist sympathies! The word is finally out: the Taliban is using the CIA's murder monkey program against us. The troops! The troops!

Bruno Souza, a popular goalie, has been arrested, along with his wife and several friends, for murdering his 25-year-old mistress, chopping her up, and feeding the pieces to dogs. He says he will "laugh at all this" later. [via, Image:AP]

Julianne Rolle, a 39 year-old former Fox News producer, was found dead at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff last weekend in her hometown of Rancho Palos Verdes, California. Authorities now say she jumped to her death.

The Pennsylvania widow who lived with two corpses will be allowed to keep the bodies "if she installs a mausoleum or crypt."

People deal with loved ones' deaths in a variety of different ways. Here's one example: Jean Stevens, a 91-year-old widow, dealt with her husband's death by digging up his corpse and putting it on a couch in the garage.

New York's Philosopher-Mayor Michael Bloomberg spent the day reflecting on his final, inevitable battle: "The doctor says I will die not from anything they found so far, but some day I will die," he said. [WSJ via NYM]

This week, the Supreme Court struck down like every handgun ban in America. Sure, some mothers of murdered children will whine. But take it from a certified Fox News psychologist: gun ownership is essential to our very sanity.

A Dutch man told his family to leave him alone, then slammed his bedroom door. For four years nobody opened it. This week they found him dead in his bed. "Foul play is not suspected." Wait—seriously?

Fifty-four people were shot in Chicago between Friday night and Monday morning. Ten of the victims were killed, including two boys, between 16 and 20, who were found lying face down, naked, on the South Side early Monday morning. [Sun-Times]

Robot seal! Weed drugs! Dense breasts! Fat guts! Cartoon food! Chewing ice! And dogs with wondrous magical powers! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—anthropomorphically!

Sometimes it's nice to put down the chalice, for once, and realize that Bob Marley was not the second coming of Jesus, or a hippie, for Chrissake. He was a flawed man! A new biography tells us just how flawed.

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!

Sad news: TMZ reports that actor Gary Coleman died this afternoon in a Utah hospital after slipping into a coma following a head injury. Coleman was 42 years old. For a look back at Coleman's life on television, click here.

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

The latest in NYC's ongoing terrorism campaign of anti-smoking ads reveals: your lungs are made of bubble wrap, and everyone knows cigarettes pop bubble wrap. Whatever. As long as we can keep all our fingers, we're okay. [Copyranter at AnimalNY]

A new study says that urban kids (homicide) and rural kids (suicide, accidents) are equally likely to die from guns. Good? Another study says that a mere 7.7 million children under five will die this year. Yay? [WP, NYT]

Dengue Fever — the Outbreak-esque disease that can liquefy organs — has been diagnosed in dozens of people in Florida. "Infectious disease experts say it could spread to other parts of the US." [Crain's]

"Where's the beef?" That will likely be exclaimed when you learn that our nation's fast food industry is facing a new crisis: beef is not so cheap these days. Not to worry! Fast food chains have many other "delicious" options.

What sorts of outrages against humanity have been perpetrated by the sworn protectors of society, police, in the last few days? We'll tell you in this week's Cop Watch—where we watch cops closer than ever, thanks to Sean Bell.

Yesterday's suicide car bombing in Kabul pushed the US military casualty count in Afghanistan past one thousand. Pictured is one: Zarian Wood, killed by a bomb last Sunday at the age of 29. [A list of the dead. Pic: FB.]