For many just starting out in Hollywood, the journey begins somewhat inauspiciously at the UTA job list: It's a precious catalog of the latest assistant openings, hand-lettered on babyskin parchment scrolls, sealed in scarlet wax pressed in the agency's pregnancy-test-reminiscent logo, and handed off at twilight between cloaked agency footmen on foggy stretches of Pico Blvd. But you're in luck, because now it's also a blog! Let's see what the assistant-needy are looking for today:

As we touched upon briefly on our way out the door last night, actress Anne Heche, whose ugly divorce and custody battle last year aired out all manner of crazy-scented laundry, was back in court to argue that since the cancellation of her ABC series Men In Trees (hey Heche fans: where's the nut-delivery campaign for that one?), she no longer had the financial means to make the $15,000-a-month in emasculatory alimony payments to ex-husband, Coley Lafoon. People.com reports:

Rustle through your closet for those crotchless leotards and lamé headbands, and hightail it to Hollywood and Highland—American Apparel wants YOU: "WE NEED YOU! We're holding an Open Call for all our Los Angeles stores at our Hollywood and Highland location. We are currently looking for intelligent, friendly, and dedicated people to work at our Los Angeles stores." And if it just so happens that you look like you might have been involved in a Polaroid prostitution ring in the early '80s based out of your uncle from Phoenix's split-level ranch basement, all the better! [Craigslist]

Carson Daly's Last Call is hiring! (At least for an assistant to the Executive Producer.) The ideal candidate will, naturally, need to have all the essential coffee-procuring and errand-running experience necessary to function in any fast-paced TV production environment, but also "must be willing to take drug test and submit to a background investigation." (Hey, NBC boss Ben Silverman passed his, so that shouldn't be much of an obstacle for a qualified applicant.) Also, potential hires should possess the ability to think on their feet, not needing an explicit command from the EP before they're willing to taser any striking Writers Guild members who've infiltrated the studio audience for a renewed attack on the frazzled, vulnerable host. [Monster.com]

Are you a sporadically working WGA member with soft, gentle hands, the ability to breathe quietly, and a willingness to explore unconventional employment options to pick up some extra cash for your personal strike fund? Then head to Craigslist right now, for you can be sure that the following position won't remain unfilled for long:

As part of our ongoing mission to connect our readers with exciting opportunities to wear kicky headsets, hold a clipboard, and stand at the entrance of Les Deux, ready to stun-gun the first uninvited star of Sunset Tan who tries to breach the last line of defense at a Sidekick launch party, we are happy to pass along this Craigslist ad seeking an amazing mulititasker willing to sacrifice her life for a chance to learn the dark Hollywood-publicity arts. A warning before you begin reading: don't even THINK about applying if you don't have the energy level a coked-up TGI Friday's hostess and the steely nerves of a fifteen-year bomb squad veteran:

Skinny bitch: prettier, skinnier bitches need not apply for slave job. [ABC News]

Defamer is committed to informing its currently unemployed, comedy-writing readers about exciting job opportunities being made available outside of the traditional TV-staffing-season process, and so we pass along this painstakingly detailed Craiglist cattle-call for our town's funniest, least annoying, and most blindly trusting scribes. Sure, trying to staff a union show on CL seems like a strategy only marginally less suspicious than sneaking up behind anyone tapping away at a laptop at a local Starbucks and ensnaring them in an enormous butterfly net, but hey—breaking into the sitcom game has never been tougher, so why not take a potentially fatal risk to get that first gig? An excerpt: