As you well know by now, we at Defamer are committed to bringing you, the free-ice cream and Tori Spelling-loving people, regular updates on where you can access either of these phlegm-inducing guilty pleasures in the greater Los Angeles area. But we ask that you now hold on to your proverbial hats, as both of these planets are set to collide in a star system called Burbank: Tomorrow, Tori will climb behind that branch's counter to dole out samples of their new soft serve ice cream, in celebration of vaguely lactic holiday, "Bump Day." From the press release:

Two and Half Men star Jon Cryer received the next level in TSA security pat down while boarding at a film at LAX. It wasn't as much of a pat down as it was a full body pat down that lingered a tad too long in certain areas for Cryer. Cryer said of the experience, "I guess he's a fan, but sometimes, people get a bit too zealous."

There has been no shortage of potential cross-pollenation opportunities for Paramount Pictures over its 90 years in business, but for sheer monolithic stature and creative promise, nothing tweaks our loins quite like the just-announced Paramount Movie Park Korea. While we're mildly disappointed to hear that the park is slated for Seoul and not Pyongyang (tell us you wouldn't have been first in line for "Kim Jong Il's Marathon Man Experience"), we're glad to see the studio back in the theme-park business and eager to have a go at the 30-plus attractions planned for a 2011 opening.

· Will Smith will produce the U.S. version of Bienvenue chez les Ch'tis, a little French comedy sleeper about a post office manager banished to the boonies. "There are only 65 million people who live in France, and $191 million seemed to defy all logic," explained producer Ken Stovitz, his eyes rolling to the back of his head and passing clear out as he did some quick calculations and came up with an opening weekend domestic total of $1.2 billion. [Variety]
· John Grisham's novel Playing For Pizza, about a slice of pizza who gets recruited by a high-power law firm only to find itself caught up in a web of corruption and intrigue and eventually eaten by a hungry sanitation worker, has been optioned by Phoenix Pictures. [THR]
· John Woo will tackle 1949—a "a big budget romancer," that is not, to our knowledge, a sequel to the 1979 Steven Spielberg film picking up eight years into the high-flying adventures of Cpt. Wild Bill Kelso and friends. [Variety]

Sometimes a new celebrity hookup will bare its ugly-bumping face, and you're just not sure who to feel sorrier for. Such is the case with Hair Club For Men member Jude Law and rebellious rock royalty Kimberly Stewart. The two were spotted "snogging" in a British dive bar, and fellow Guinness gulpers took advantage of the very touchy-feely moment to snap a few photos on their phone. But given Law's dating history, especially compared to Kim's laundry list of raggedy paramours, we have to wonder whether Jude simply thought the newly cropped quasi-star was Sienna through his beer goggles.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Bravely taking the Larry King Live lukewarmseat last night to promote her new E! reality series, Denise Richards: I'm Hateful, the actress fielded a barrage of intermittently relevant softballs from the broadcast legend ("Charlie Sheen: Father of your children?...Good guy?...What does he bench press, around?...Iron Man: your kind of movie?...Where do you fall on tofu?"), which she dutifully answered with refreshing candidness. Sadly, she and Sheen are not currently speaking, with Richards relying on her commando-nanny go-between to shuffle their children between the households, deftly avoiding concussion on her mad dash back to the Land Rover at the hands of a Sheen-manned pneumatic tennis-ball cannon. [Larry King Live]

As thrilled as we were to see Dina Lohan’s pity party come to life in a preview from Living Lohan yesterday, we truly wish those suits over at E! had picked the other guiding light in Lindsay’s life to trail around with cameras. A tipster alerted us to this clip, showing just another night out on the town (well, in a trailer) for Michael Lohan. We’re not sure which is more jarring: Michael’s impressions of both Cousin It and Dina Lohan, or the reminder that countless famewhores exist out there so desperate for fame they will venture into a trailer with Michael Lohan just hoping he’ll hire them to be Lindsay’s new BFF.

We've been following the bouncing Uwe Boll for what seems like months now, but once the consummate self-promoter and sworn enemy of 279,452 filmgoers (and counting) wound up playing the victim in the Sunday New York Times, the shark was considered jumped. But an eagle-eyed tipster points out one of the more fascinating signs yet of the loathed filmmaker's resurgence: On a week when his new film Postal has reportedly been banned from multiplexes, it's also pulling a better Rotten Tomatoes score (33%) than "mainstream" offerings Made of Honor (12%), What Happens in Vegas (28%) and John Cusack's bomb-to-be War, Inc. (23%). It's also neck-and-neck with Sex and the City and a mere percentage point behind the tentpole Speed Racer, which is still stalled at the gate with 34% positive reviews.

A mere ten days away from the big screen return of Carrie Bradshaw and her coven of archetypal besties, we think it's safe to say that the world is gripped by a severe case of Sex and the City fever. It's an epidemic from which virtually no crevice of the globe is immune, with everyone from Peruvian goat herders to Bangladeshi rug merchants clinking Cosmos and debating which of Carrie & Co. most closely aligns with their own personalities. ("I don't know, Paramjeet—you're more of a Miranda than a Charlotte if you ask me.") Yes, even Israelis can identify with the prickly-on-the-outside, sweet-and -desperately- lonely-on- the-inside nature of the series's protagonists—but try telling that to the ultra-Orthodox residents of Jerusalem, who have demanded its billboards be taken down for its offensive use the word "Sex." (To say nothing of its star's obscenely naked head, completely bereft of a round-challah-shaped wig with a doily bobby pinned to it.) The AP reports:

After intrepidly (and only somewhat confusedly) parsing the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise yesterday, we've looked on in amazement as the phenomenon continues its global siege. To wit: If ever we actually wanted to see Harrison Ford return for a fifth Indy film, we can only hope it extrapolates the promise of the accompanying trailer for Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Gay Rabbi. Which looks suspiciously more influenced by the 1979 Harrison Ford/Gene Wilder vehicle The Frisco Kid, but still — it's not like George Lucas is going to come up with anything better. (via The Hot Blog)

Tabloid wars! When it comes to covering the stunt relationship between “bored” John Mayer and “clingy” Jennifer Aniston, two New York gossip columns have found themselves at odds over how well-behaved Mayer was over the weekend. The NY Post claims Mayer was dancing on tables at a local bar one night, while the NY Daily News covers his performance at a Foxwoods gig alongside Alicia Keys and Diddy the night afterwards. But one paper paints Mayer as an altar boy turning down “eager hot blonds” for the sake of monogamy, and the other makes Mayer sound like a vulgar womanizer. So which to believe?

With the minor exception of missing out on Jim Toback's documentary on Mike Tyson (which will screen here this fall anyway — we can wait), the only regret we have so far about sitting out the Cannes Film Festival is our absence at the mini-riot that preceded the press screening of director James Gray's drama Two Lovers, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow. That's when we're at our best, as were Lou Lumenick and the "major U.S. film critic" (*cough* Manohla Dargis *cough*) who apparently exclaimed, "I'm not going to wait an hour for f—-ing James Gray" before an ensuing screening delay, shoving match and seating free-for-all.

Former Gawker Joshua "Joshy" Stein, ever-enamored of his new 'hood of Williamsburg, points out that a new Netflix feature allows people to see what films others in their zip code are renting. For 11211, he's found that the top five movies are La Jetée, The Holy Mountain, Blow Up, Do The Right Thing, and Solaris. (As Stein puts it, "Despair, pretension, easy sex, pop music, violence, hate, photography, isolation, trouble.") We put this search function to the test. What are they watching in Bridgeport, Connecticut? San Francisco? Do they conform to regional stereotypes?

Judging by her appearance on The Late Show Friday night, Liv Tyler isn’t wasting any time moping over her recent separation from husband Royston Langdon. Showing up in a body-hugging little black silk dress, its lace top doing little to cover up cleavage, and pounds of makeup covering her typically bare face, it looks as though Tyler is taking a page from the Gwyneth Paltrow Guide To Hot Rock Moms. But does the trampy look work on Tyler? A closer look after the jump.

Ho-hum. Clint Eastwood went to Cannes and all he got were more late-career raves, award mentions, his star Angelina Jolie on his arm and perhaps the most meta title switcheroo in Hollywood history: The Exchange (née Changeling) has all kinds of fans at the festival, where the child-disappearance drama premieres today in competition and already has Variety's Todd McCarthy running back at his hotel room to change his pants:

· Who can turn the world on with her adorable The Mary Tyler Moore Show set remembrances on Oprah today? Betty White, that's who! [Oprah]
· The C&Ds are flying fast and furious with these photos of Bruno ambushing fellow Austrian Gov. Schwarzenegger, but /Film seems to still have them up as of post time. [/Film]
· David Archuleta's voice coach explains for Utah's Fox news affiliate how the show's producers have systematically rigged it so that David Cook would trample the little shaved-koala's skull in the voting. Also, disconcertingly bedentured producer Nigel Lythgoe told Ryan Seacrest that the "biggest star in the world" would be performing on the finale. OMG! Jesus! We hope he takes the wheel! (Lolz.) [MyFoxUtah, mjsbigblog.com]
· Didn't spend the heat wave on a beach with Jake and Reese, but wish you had? Now you can! [celebrity-gossip.net]
· Loni Anderson married Bob Fleck, a folk singer who would never get any WKRP airplay, in Bel Air yesterday. [AP]

We rarely take a moment to thank E!'s Department of Reality-Based Famewhoring Enterprises for the excellent work they do, giving the egregiously underpublicized—everyone from the Kardashian girls to Denise Richards—a weekly hour to, well, just be. So, thanks! But with Living Lohan (why does that title remind us of a disease-awareness billboard campaign? "I've been Living Lohan for 7 years now, but Lohan isn't living me,") they've truly outdone themselves, giving Dina Lohan the vehicle we know she's wanted and deserved all along. In this preview clip, the celebrity momabler is captured in medias crisis-control, berating an online tabloid concern for publishing blurry photos of her most successful accomplishment in a compromising, probably accurate situation; watching this fierce tigress protect her largely unemployable, fur-coat-swiping cubs is truly a sight to behold.

Despite his best attempts, Tom Cruise has officially failed his mission of keeping wife Katie Holmes off Broadway and out of New York. As we learned earlier this year, the escape-hungry Holmes was offered a role in this fall’s Arthur Miller play All My Sons, giving her a chance to remind the industry she was once an actress. But Cruise was rumored to have squashed the idea, punishing his true love by sending her off to Scientology boot camp. But Us is confirming that Holmes has signed on anyway, meaning the tight Cruise clan will be spending autumn in New York. We can only hope NBC successfully woos Jerry Seinfeld into a deal by then, lest TomKat’s previous recruitment plans for the comedian remain a high priority. [Us]

After the implosive one-two punch comprising his recent tandem War. Inc. and Grace is Gone (not to mention, of course, his spellbinding online short film featuring Diablo Cody as "Girl Who Thought He'd Be Cooler"), fortune may yet favor the slumping John Cusack. Or at least that's the only option our optimistic hearts will allow upon reading about the actor's reported next project, a massive-budget, honest-to-goodness end-of-the-world film by apocalypse maven Roland Emmerich: