If you follow the very latest news on race in America, you'll know that the current state of race in America is: still good to be white. A new study (for the 87465th study in a row) confirms this!

Free at last! For the past half-century, the capital of our whole entire nation (Washington, DC) has been under the numerical dominance of second-class citizens: black people. Sounds like bad PR, for America!

This is what happens when you give up on building a fence around your entire country: Mescans not only sneak in, but they deposit their eggs inside of us, like so many invasive wasp species:

Does this nation, despite its obvious drawbacks, seem a bit more peaceful these days? That's because we have fewer kids around than ever before. Congratulations! You're all doing the right things, reproduction-wise.

Demographic analysis is not all that hard, if you think about it. Young white kids are flooding into our nation's cities; the crumbling suburban wasteland, therefore, is welcoming an influx of formerly urban black people. This could be seen as a reasonably fair trade, except for one key factor—the old people are still there in the suburbs. And they're cranky.

Demographic data indicates that black people are leaving New York for the South in droves, as the historic "Great Migration" of African-Americans from South to North slowly reverses itself. The city of Atlanta now stands as America's new Black Mecca.

Three hipness reporters from the hipness desk of hipness arbiter The Washington Post drop an investigative bombshell today: while politicians were politicking, and lobbyists were lobbying, and tourists were touristing, and go-goers were go-going, something sinister was happening in Washington. It was becoming young—and hip.

What further nuggets of sociology-lite can be wrung from the trickle of data that continues to issue from the U.S. Census Bureau like so much pre-cum? Simply this: everyone's fleeing the frozen North and turning brown.

Even when Democrats' fortunes tumble spectacularly in the short-term, the party can always remind itself that national demographic trends favor them in the end. Many, many old white people will die soon enough. This generation's youth voters are lopsidedly liberal. Meanwhile, Hispanics — who've voted strongly for Democrats in the last two elections after mainstream Republican rhetoric took a sharply nativist turn in 2007 — will occupy a larger and ever growing percentage of the American population. Throw in reliable support from 80-90% of African Americans, and the Democratic party could be dominant in the not-too-distant future.

Do you know what the fastest growing group of American youths is, besides no-good little delinquents who think Justin Bieber invented the wheel, you ignorant little brats? Multiracial youths! Single-race kids are kind of nerds, now.

What was New York City up to from 2000-2010? Just the exact same old shit as ever, if you believe the U.S. Census. The calculator-wielding census nerds have tabulated all the latest numbers, and guess what? NYC barely grew a bit in the past ten years. A measly 167,000 new people. What a waste of time.

Time was that good salt-of-the-earth country folks never would get divorced. They'd just sit around, whittling and canning preserves and fantasizing about whittling down their awful spouse's dead body into tiny parts and putting those parts into jars and calling them "preserves," and fleeing to Brazil. They never would, though. They'd just think about.

Data from the 2010 U.S. census continues to trickle out, and with each new set of numbers, a fuller picture of our terrifying changing nation emerges. We need a whole new set of stereotypes, for chrissake. Today, we learn the shocking flipside to the trend of white kids overrunning our nation's cities: there are not quite so many black people in our nation's cities!

Women: always sneaking up behind men, trying to take our money. The latest confirmation comes from a new White House report on the "state of women," which confirms what you'd always suspected: women are catching up. Oh, they're still lagging—women make about 75% as much as men these days, for the same jobs—but they're creeping up from behind elsewhere. They're getting more college degrees! Getting married later in life (30, for college-educated women)! And the wise refusal to be dragged down by a family:

The news out of Real America: Real America is dying. That's a technical term! New census figures show that a full one in four counties in America are "dying," meaning that they have more deaths than births. They're slowly being erased from not only sociopolitical relevance, but from existence itself!

Texas—for a brief period the most All-American state except for New Hampshire—has, alas, succumbed to the inexorable demographic tidal wave that continues to swamp this nation in non-whiteness. Says the Washington Post:

The "Good Old Days" in America, when White Sue and Pale Johnny only viewed their nearest city's urban hellscape through the windows of a speeding SUV as they drove back to the suburbs after watching the big ballgame are over. Consider America's ongoing demographic trends: the evolution of suburbs into slums; the migration of black Americans from Northern cities back to the South; every god damn 22 year-old who's ever strummed an acoustic guitar moving to Austin. The writing is on the wall. And now, the data has confirmed what we all feared: America's cities are full of white kids.

Attention, whites: you're losing. Losing your country! Just as all the redneck politicians predicted! According to the latest numbers, diversity is destroying America's greatest traditions: whites are now less than half of all three year-olds.

According to census data, the population of New Orleans is 29 percent smaller than in 2000—likely thanks to Katrina.

There are 11.2 million illegal immigrants in America, same as last year. You fail, Arizona.