Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

• Jesus Luz isn't making many friends with his fellow male models. At an event last week, the other models in the room were "gossiping like catty girls" about his "big, swollen head," and bitching that he's only booking work because of his relationship with Madonna. Really, you think? [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan flew to Maui with her sister and mom, where she's been spotted tanning and shopping at Gucci and Louis Vuitton. So everything is pretty much back to normal. [NYDN, Us]
• Samantha Ronson changed her Facebook relationship status to "Married," whatever that's worth. [Sun]
• Good news for the handful of remaining Sex and the City fans out there: Sarah Jessica Parker says Chris Noth has finally signed on to do the sequel. [E!]

The spring has everyone lovestruck: Freida Pinto hooked up with a Slumdog co-star, Lindsay Lohan yearned for Samantha Ronson and Condoleeza Rice had a non-date date with a musician.

Michael Moore turns 55 today. Social fixture (and Estee Lauder heiress) Aerin Lauder Zinterhofer is turning 39. Model Jessica Stam is 23. Writer Ken Auletta is turning 67. Former NBC CEO Bob Wright is 66. Actor Kal Penn is turning 32. Model/actress Jaime King turns 30. Former New Line co-chief Michael Lynne is 68. Real estate heiress and socialite Beth Rudin DeWoody is turning 57. Comedian George Lopez is turning 48. Valerie Bertinelli is 49. And Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel is 19.

• Gwyneth Paltrow's latest goal? To get Mario Batali to lose weight, apparently. She's supposedly already given him a free membership to the gym she's opening with Tracy Anderson, since he's "the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." [P6]
• Poor Jennifer Aniston has been "holed up" in her room at the Greenwich Hotel since arriving in New York a few weeks ago, supposedly because she's terrified of "bumping into Angie" on the street. [L&S]
• Michael Phelps and Miss California, Carrie Prejean. are apparently dating, or at least that's what Prejean's grandmother is saying. [NYDN]
• In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres, Lindsay Lohan says she's "still in love" with Sam Ronson, and that their breakup "came out of nowhere." She's also lost a lot of weight, which you've probably already noticed. [OK!, People, NYDN]
• Tim Gunn says he hasn't been on a date in 26 years, but that he's okay with it because he's "very happy being alone." [NYDN]

• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer made their first awards show appearance together at last night's Oscars, sitting just 12 seats away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, although they managed to avoid a run-in by skipping the red carpet and showing up at different pre-show parties over the weekend. [People, NYDN]
• Uma Thurman, Darren Aronofsky, Rachel Weisz, Natalie Portman, and Daniel Craig all skipped out of the show early to head over to the Vanity Fair bash, where Graydon Carter invited Chesley Sullenberger and his wife Lori as surprise guests. [LAT, P6]
• Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise had an awkward encounter at CAA head Bryan Lourd's house party on Friday night, while Oprah and Gayle King held court at Barry Diller and Diane von Furstenberg's pre-Oscars bash, and everyone "partied like it was 1999" at Harvey Weinstein's gathering. [P6, P6, Fox 411]
• At the Spirit Awards on Saturday, Mickey Rourke "playfully mauled" Rachel Weisz and "made a grab" at Jessica Alba's chest. [People, NYDN]
• A full list of Oscar winners, in case you missed the action last night. [People]

• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a confidential photo of a battered and bruised Rihanna to TMZ. [TMZ, E!]
• Whitney Port said this week that Olivia Palermo can be "very difficult to worth with," and that she occasionally wants to "slap her." Join the club. [AH]
• Madonna is reportedly planning to use the Vanity Fair Oscar party on Sunday to introduce Jesus Luz to the world as her new boyfriend. [OK!]
• Portia De Rossi is reportedly preparing to undergo IVF so she and Ellen DeGeneres can have a baby. [SFGate]

• It's still unclear what set off Chris Brown and Rihanna's fight on Sunday night (and both have been tucked away in hiding since it occurred). Could it have had something to do with Leona Lewis? Paris Hilton? Was a sexually transmitted disease involved? One person Brown might want to consider explaining himself to is Jay-Z, who reportedly "hit the roof" when he found out about the attack and is now telling friends that Chris is a "walking dead man." [Star, OK!, Gawker, NYP]
• Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love have been secretly dating for the past three weeks. Sounds like a perfect match. [Telegraph]
• Prince Harry is in trouble for making racially-insensitive comments. [Sun]

It looked innocent enough, but now we hear that the loving, open-handed greeting Sharon Stone bestowed Sunday night on BAFTA-nominated Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel had "cougar attack" written all over it.

[First off, I apologize for that horrible headline. Anyway. That's Slumdog Millionaire cutie patootie Dev Patel in New York last night; image via INF]