· Remember "En Escandolo de Lesbianas?" Sigh. No tan caliente.
· Ouch, more bad news for Ben Affleck! And this time, it involves his penis.
· The Pocket Guide to Past Mistakes That Can Get You Tossed Of American Idol: Posing for softcore porn: You're out; Shoving your baby-mama and phone-tossing: You're still in!
· RIP, the Fake Michael Bay Blog. You lasted longer than anyone could reasonably expect.
· Enjoy these two loving tributes to blogging institutions.
· The degenerate geniuses at Liquid Generation again ply their trade on a suspect pursuit.

Join us in carving a totem pole bearing the likenesses of this week's sponsors, won't you? If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kind of readers so obsessed with spending that even their toilet paper is spun from pure gold, see this page.

Friday
· "Night Conversations invites artists, poets, musicians, and members of the audience to continue the 'conversation' that resulted in the unique artist installations and soundscape for the Museum's Conversations exhibit." We're not sure we understand exactly what's going on after dark at the Natural History Museum tonight, but we hear it's pretty cool—a dude from the Postal Service is involved..
· If the words "Lemmy is God" hold any meaning for you, Motorhead is playing the Wiltern. If not, you can see the Dears for free at Amoeba.
Saturday
· The LA Indie Film Group is hosting a panel on distribution at Raleigh Studios, so grab your box full of DV home movies and get ready to harass reps from Lion's Gate, Netflix, and New Line.
· The Soundtrack of Our Lives continues the Swedish invasion with a show at the Avalon, with the Dears (again) opening to soften you up to their headliner's Scandinavian rock charms.
Sunday
·Speaking of invasions: Ralph Nader, everyone's favorite third-party election spoiler, brings his Stop the Iraq War and Bring Our Troops Home Tour to UCLA. Not expected to attend: the military-industrial complex.
· The great thing about LA is that if you wait a couple of weeks, someone's throwing a New Year's party. This time, it's the 2005 Thai New Year Festival on Hollywood Blvd.
· Bill Maher, The Dan Band, Teri Hatcher, Calista Flockhart, and Julianne Moore gang up to beat down tuberous sclerosis at the Comedy for a Cure benefit at the Henry Fonda. As much as we'd like to think that celebrities have the power to cure illnesses, they're going to need the funds from the ticket sales to battle the disease.

Because today is Every Website Must Pull a Prank Day, you may be disinclined to believe this reader report about second-tier fauxteur McG leaving an invisible angel behind in a lift at Sony. But rest assured—we received this e-mail yesterday, so it's probably not part of the April Fool's Day tomfoolery overwhelming us at every turn.

It s official, kids. We were stunned to hear tonight that former, yes, former Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers has taken a permanent position at New York Magazine. Really, we had no idea this was coming.

Thanks to this week's advertisers, who keep our closets full of the Salvation Army's finest. Interested in keeping things natty? Info here.

· Everybody loves to watch people beating the shit out of each other on Hollywood Blvd, but tonight you have the opportunity to see it happen in a boxing ring instead of outside of Star Shoes. The officially-sanctioned display of fisticuffsmanship starts at 7 pm at the Henry Fonda.
· All of this death talk probably has you in the mood for a Vincent Price double feature, doesn't it? You're in luck, because the Aero is showing a double-dip of The Tingler and House on Haunted Hill tonight. Ghoul.
· Three shows, one night: Pedro the Lion and Low at the El Rey; Run Run Run and Dear Leader play the
Troubadour; Ozomatli makes sweet love to Spaceland.

We're still struggling with the "shit vs. shat" issue. Did our server shit itself this morning? Or did it shat all over the place? Either way, you get the idea. Things are spotty — in the meantime, please don't resort to your workplace duties. Just twiddle your thumbs or something.

· What's Paris Hilton's time potentially worth? $250,000 an hour, but this is according to a crazy pimp in Bellevue and it's only if she's on her back or assuming the doggystyle position. Fascinating. Who knew she could be such an earner?
· HBO enables a third season of Old West fuckin' and cocksuckerin' by picking up more Deadwood.
· Super Mario delivered a petition to honorary Hollywood mayor Johnny Grant to include video game characters on the Walk of Fame. After he handed over the petition, he joined the other people in cheap movie costumes in front of the Chinese Theater for a lively session of hitting the crackpipe.
· Reason number 24 why you should love that Burger King commercial with Hootie: "The Twin Black Cowboys. They are obviously exhausted from banging all the chicks at The Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, so now they just want to lay down and have a snack."

· You'll never hear the Grey Album the same way again after you check out the "Fair Use" exhibition at the Hammer. You might think that mash-up is merely "bitchin,'" but you'll learn that it's actually turning "the tools and products of information distribution against itself."
· Untelevised television host J. Keith van Straaten once again brings his live interpretation of "What's My Line" to the Acme Theatre on La Brea. This week's panelists include John Waters staple Mink Stole, Who's Line stalwart Brad Sherwood, and some hot chick that used to be a writer on Win Ben Stein's Money. And, of course, the obligatory mystery guest.
· Not actually a midnight screening: KCRW sponsors a 10th Anniversary show at Spaceland, starring Midnight Movies and On the Speakers.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Tobey Maguire know that it's time to hit the treadmill.

Dear Kindly Gossip Monkeys,

· The ArcLight continues to stretch the conceit of its "Hollywood's Master Storytellers" screenings to delightfully absurd lengths, as tonight they'll show After the Sunset featuring a post-movie Q&A with curiously hacky director Brett Ratner. You know what this means: Reports in our inbox are due by midnight (9 a.m. if you go out afterwards to drink it off). And if you're taking requests, someone should ask him about that photo booth in his house.
· Online 'zine Ostrich Ink throws a release party for its latest issue at Mr. T's Bowl. The festivities include “karaoke, cheap drinks, giveaways, hilarious essays, and no cover.”
· Happy music fun time list: M Ward at the Troubadour; Brazilian Girls at the Roxy; Phantom Planet at Spaceland, who are probably pretty tired of The OC and Jason Schwartzman talk by now.

· Was Cameron Diaz attacked by a lion, a millipede, and some cicadas while filming her new MTV show Trippin'? This show's gonna be so totally awesome when she gets mauled by a tiger on-camera.
· The OC's Adam Brody's ex-girlfriend gets back at him in the pages of FHM. How will he ever recover from these put-downs? With fame, fortune, and sex with Rachel Bilson? Poor schlub, we hope he somehow pulls through.
· Ostrich Ink interviews the Glorious Ladies of Fugging.
· David Duchovy is blogging to promote his directorial debut, House of D. So far, it's not nearly as exciting as Michael Bay's fake blog, but we'll keep monitoring it for items of interest. [via LAist]

· If you didn't know about Kevin Smith's Vulgarthon 2005 (hosted at the Cinerama Dome at the ArcLight) until now, you've already missed most of it. But the festivities, including Q & A's with actors from the View Askewniverse and various screenings, are raging on right now. Probably not included in the festival: a behind-the-scenes documentary on the making of Jersey Girl.
· A little something for the Moz Army, or whatever Morrissey fans call themselves: The Morrissey documentary Who Put the "M" in Manchester? screens tonight in various cities, with the local Mozfest hosted at the Universal Amphitheater.
· Anything that takes its name from an episode of Get a Life is OK in our book: Handsome Boy Modeling School plays the House of Blues on the Strip. In non Chris Elliott-related news, Lovemakers and The Crimea are at Spaceland.

When a reader spots a passel of Wilsons out for some cocktails, that's a nice little sighting. But when that reader invokes our favorite sobriquet for the best-known member of that clan, we have no choice but to upgrade the sighting to a PrivacyWatch Special Edition:

· What does Britney Spears need to do get our attention these days? Yup, you guessed it: Get a new pair of surgically-enhanced cans.* Crude and clichéd, but always effective.
· Awwww snap! Denise Richards got served! Excuse us for that, we don't know what got into us. Denise Richards got served, yo!
· How much would you pay to have lunch with Teri Hatcher? OK, now how much would you pay for a charity lunch with Teri Hatcher with absolutely no chance that the two of you would hit it off and engage in consensual sex?
· My Blog is Poop uncovers a number of celebrity fetishes; curiously absent from the list is any mention of splatting. We question the accuracy of the entire thing.
· Dynamic Homoerotic Duos, Part 1: starring Ice Man and Maverick.

Friday
· Writers Richard "LA Innuendo" Rushfield, Aimee Bender, and Kevin Sampsell read from their contributions to the
The Insomniac Reader: Stories of the Night anthology at Skylight Books. Get there early, or suffer the peculiar Skylight humiliation of being crammed behind the sci-fi shelf, catching glimpses of the readers through the spaces between Philip K. Dick books.
· Death from Above 1979 descend like late-70s doom at the Echo, though with a very modern, nonfatal spin.
Saturday
· Celebrate "Merely OK Saturday" at the Hollywood Shop Til You Drop sale at Area 101, featuring designers from around the world and a free wine and cheese reception.
· LACMA screens Straw Dogs and Taxi Driver, adding just the right amount of cinematic violence to the holiday weekend.
· Lebowski Fest 2005, the world's greatest celebration of one of the best movies of all time, commandeers the Cal Bowl in Lakewood. Expect at least a dozen people dressed as The Jesus.
Sunday
· Happy Easter, and this advice goes for Christians and non-Christians alike: You really don't need that 15th Cadbury egg. Just put it down and walk away.

Join us, won't you, as we dance around the Commerce Pole and gleefully sing the praises of our advertisers? We lurve them. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kind of consumers that would never, ever suggest a coked-up liaison between a TV host and a hooker, see this page.

Special thanks to our lovely advertisers, whose support keeps us outfitted in the finest sailor suits. Interested? More info here.