· If you can hardly get through a conversation without an inappropriately yelped "Nee!" or threatening to taunt someone a second time, you already know about this: Eric Idle, original Monty Python demigod, reads from his The Greedy Bastard Diary: A Comic Tour of America at Dutton's in Brentwood.
· If your nerd-dom includes a taste of misanthropy and a semester of film school, there's a sneak preview of Todd Solondz's new film, Palindromes, at the Aero. Solondz and star Ellen Barkin will be there for a post-show Q & A.
· Tonight rocks, for nerds: They Might Be Giants play the House of Blues on the Strip, pirate-loving, grad-core rockers The Decemberists are at the Henry Fonda, and Earlimart (who have no discernible nerd connection, unfortunately) hit Spaceland.

· Is it possible to sully a legacy that includes the video for "Home Sweet Home"? Find out tonight as the reconstituted Mötley Crüe exercise their umlauts at the Forum. If wistful Aqua Net memories aren't for you, Canadian sensation Stars play the Troubadour with Louis the XIV.
· Outfest's 25th Anniversary Screening presents the Dolly Parton classic 9 to 5 at the Egyptian. Afterwards, whoop it up like the crazy gals in the movie's all-star cast at the post-screening open bar reception.
· Suze Orman scolds us for our horrible spending habits as she discusses her new book, The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke, at the Pasadena Public Library. When our parents lecture us about money, we just hang up.

We here at Gawker love reader submissions: there's nothing more fun than opening the virtual mailbag and finding all sorts of crazy, fantastic ideas and links that we might've missed.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that America's Current Sweetheart eats doughnut holes.

· Bloc Party, the Next Big Thing in indie rock, and who you very may well be sick of within three weeks, plays the Troubadour tonight to celebrate the release of their new album. And if you're not already on the backlash bandwagon, you can catch Maximo Park play the Bloc Party after-party at Cinespace.
· The Annie Leibovitz “American Music” exhibition opened last week at the Fahkey/Klein gallery and continues until April 23rd. You've missed your shot at rushing the place when the doors opened, but those people are poseurs anyway. Way to play it cool!
· You've only got a few more days to catch Sandra Bernhard performing Everything Bad & Beautiful at The Silent Movie Theater. It's now or never, people, or this show, like much of your life, has passed you by. We're totally staying in to watch American Idol, but still.

· "Glickman, a former congressman who took the job after Jack Valenti retired last year, calls piracy 'a potential dagger poised at the heart of the motion picture industry.'" It's so nice that some of Valenti's poetic soul is finally rubbing off on the Glickster.
· PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets busted planting a gossip item on Lindsay Lohan. Guess she's still getting the hang of being on camera all of the time. Good thing she didn't have a show when she was learning how drive her SUV in the Hamptons, eh? [second item]
· Michael Jackson's learning, albeit slowly. Sure, he showed up to court late and in tears from his "back pain," but at least his handlers got him out of his jammies this time.
· The Genies (the Canadian Oscars) are being held tonight, and forgive us for sounding like an ugly American for saying so, but doesn't the Genie statue look like something that Oscar would fuck in in the bathroom of the Abbey and never call again for being too clingy? We're just sayin'.

· Concerts, Concerts, Concerts: The Doves at the El Rey. Bob Dylan at the Pantages Theatre, and Kaiser Chiefs play what will certainly be a typically packed, sweaty, and free Amoeba show before their sold-out gig at the Troubadour later tonight.
· Relive the good old days, when you'd hang outside of a place like Amoeba to stomp the kids leaving their indie rock show, by checking out "Outrageous! L.A. Punk Rock Flyers, Handbills and Posters (‘77-‘83)" at the Hollywood Entertainment Museum. Now, of course, you're a lawyer.
· Film critic Stephen Farber hosts a screening of Hungarian thriller Kontroll at the Westside Pavilion Cinemas. And if a Hungarian thriller isn't enough to lure you from your couch, Nimrod Antal, the film's director, will be there to answer your questions about being thrilled, Hungarian style.

· Is Demi Moore pregnant? This AP story provides absolutely no new information or insights. Delicious!
· "Car mishap," "hit and run," "twitchy Idol judge sideswipe," call it whatever you want, but the cops might be coming for Paula Abdul.
· Matthew McConaughey's MTV diary: It's just like On The Road, but as written by a nude bongo-drum enthusiast. [via Goldenfiddle]
· The Spamalot hype has reached such a breaking point that we can hardly wait for them to open a half-assed version of it in LA starring Ted Danson and Jason Biggs.
· Was anyone else relieved when Mischa Barton got delesbianized on The OC last night? We were really tiring of those excruciatingly uncomfortable girl-on-girl kisses, which we feared might ruin HLA for us forever. Anyway, whew, that was a close one!

Friday
· If your idea of Fashion Week involves the boys wearing more make-up than the girls, Heatherette is putting on a fashion show at ATOMIC on Santa Monica Blvd. Be there are be squarely unfabulous.
· Shag with a Twist opens at the Los Angeles Theatre Center in Downtown LA, and from what we can tell by clicking around the website (besides that all sites that insist on playing music should have "off" buttons), it's a musical murder mystery set at a Tupperware party. Or something. Sounds interesting, though.
Saturday
· The American Cinema Foundation and the L.A. Press Club present "Mass Market, Smart Content," a panel discussion "about how some successful writers manage to keep their distinct viewpoints even while writing for the mass market medium of TV." Paul Feig ("Freaks & Geeks" "Arrested Development"), Scott Kaufer ("Gilmore Girls”), Rob Long (“Cheers"), and Tim Minear (“Angel") head up the panel at the American Film Institute in Los Feliz.
· Graham Coxon (formerly of Blur) and the 22-20's play the Troubadour, but you're going to need to find a generous soul on Craiglist, a scalper, or some compromised morals to get in.
Sunday
· The Aero Theatre has a double feature of director Peter Medak’s movies. First up is Negatives, which "follows the antics of a middle class young couple and the strange role-playing games they resort to make their boring, marginal lives bearable." The second part of the bill is Romeo is Bleeding, with Medak popping in for a discussion between films.
· The Unhappy Hour and Literati Cocktail Urban Lit Lounge present local writers Brendan Constantine, Teka-Lark, Elizabeth lannaci doing the spoken word thing at the Parlour Club. Check it out and see if it suddenly devolves into a very literate game of The Dozens.

Join us in the dispersal of props for this week's sponsors, who would likely bail us out of a Tijuana jail should the need arise...again. If you'd like to advertise on our Hollywood-centric weblog concern and reach the kind of people who drip with lust at the mere mention of your product or service, see this page.

A tearful thanks to this week's sponsors, whose support pays for the little pills that gave us our life back. Interested in the DSM-IV fun? More info here.

· We knew in our heart of hearts that if someone looked hard enough, they could find a Bible passage foretelling this Michael Jackson situation.
· Model falls down and goes boom, other models and hosts stand around and shriek. Go ahead and watch, you ghouls.
· Look at my striped shirt!
· Tara Reid finally takes her publicist out in public. This explains so much.
· A brilliantly back-handed compliment from "that other late night host" Craig Ferguson: "Jay will sell a joke that he knows is crap better than anyone I've ever seen."
· Do you think that Clay Aiken is thinking about Mario Vazquez? [right side of page, in the middle]
· You hate to say a dude looks like a celebrity baby kidnapper, but...

We apologize if we're indulging in a stereotypical view of the St. Patrick's holiday, and we know there's more to it than drinking to excess. But as hard as we tried, we could not find a single event in which we can all get together and drive the snakes out of the city. Now if you really need instructions on how to get shitfaced, welcome to our very brief guide to alcoholism's amateur hour, March the 17th:
· Line up in front of Tom Bergin's on Fairfax, where people have just gained consciousness after last year's holiday bender and rejoined the massive queue outside. After an hour of so of serious drinking, you'll start to think that each one of the shamrocks taped to the ceiling bears the name of your least-favorite ex.
· The Knitting Factory's Shamrock Rock features some DJs, live music, and the obligatory "Shamrocky drink specials."
· If Tom Bergin's doesn't satisfy all of your "Irish bar on Fairfax needs," there's also Molly Malone's, which should service you in a much smaller space. And take it from us, it's practically impossible NOT to hook up when crushed up against a development assistant in a green top hat!
· For homebodies, there's an all-new episode of The OC on tonight. But this is no time to slack off from your drinking reponsibilities: Every time you find yourself wistfully remembering a similar, but better, moment from the first season, drink half of your Guinness.

· The Book Soup website asks, “Looking for a satisfying fictional dive into excess?” We prefer the excessive-dives of the nonfictional variety, but in any case, Matthew Carnahan signs his debut novel Serpent Girl at Book Soup tonight.
· This probably runs counter to the intention of the whole thing, but hey, this is our To Do list: International chicks with cameras! Tonight's the opening night presentation and gala for the 1st Annual Reel Women International Film Festival at Grauman's 6 at Hollywood and Highland.
· Looking to get your ass kicked by guitar-wielding Swedes? The Troubadour hosts this year's Swedish Music Showcase.
· John Digweed DJs at the Mayan...ecstasy sales rise...coincidence? Oh, stop thinking about it and fucking hug us already!

Readers have submitted various reports concerning Wilmer Valderrama's whereabouts last night, while doppleganger/Idol quitter Mario Vazquez was in NY, taping his Letterman top ten segment. Fez's night is coming into focus: Around 7pm, he was in the Chin Chin parking lot near Sunset, supposedly (and we can't confirm this) buying underwear. At 9pm, he was spotted at the Beverly Hills Hotel for a Hugo Boss event. Later, he was seen hanging around the DJ booth at Spider Club. Wait, hold on a sec...buying underwear? In a parking lot? This is the part you care about:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Brooke Shields bought you booze.

· The world has officially gone three different flavors of batshit insane: Showtime will rush the Fat Actress Season One DVD into stores, presumably accompanied by a tour of video stores where Kirstie Alley will be challenged to eat and/or have sex with anything you put in front of her, emitting her trademark high-pitched whine the entire time.
· Hey, look, another one of those animated GIFs where Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Brad Pitt/small dogs pretend to talk on the phone!
· New Calcanis blogging fiefdom TV Squad argues that Arrested Development should be canceled, but in an ironic way that suggests that it shouldn't actually be canceled. No need to go burn down their blog, AD fans.
· Why is this so funny to us? Oh, probably because Wonkette is down in Austin, having parties thrown for her at SXSW, and we're about to go find out how much money we owe the government.
· Finally, you now have the opportunity to buy crap at JC Penney inspired by the crap you've long admired on Cribs!
· Oh, we nearly forgot: Bijou Phillips has at least one nipple.

· The ArcLight screens What the Bleep Do We Know!? with a post-bleeping question and answer session with filmmakers William Arntz and Betsy Chasse and actress Elaine Hendrix.
· Norm Macdonald's new sketch comedy show for Comedy Central is looking for some warm bodies for a live taping. If you fit this description, you're eligible to have that guffaw of yours captured on a laugh track.
· For a mere five dollars, you can watch Har Mar Superstar celebrate Cinespace’s one year anniversary, and possibly see your wasted ass reproduced on The Cobrasnake tomorrow.
· For fifty bucks, you can "Rock The Runway" for charity, ogle MILF Cindy Crawford, and see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs—for charity! Of course, that 45 dollar difference could buy a lot of drinks at Cinespace, but that helps no one but you and your liver specialist.

A reader spots Efren "Hey, remember me, I'm Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite!" Ramirez out clubbing over the weekend, and is put off by a bit of unseemly self-promotion:

· Everyone's naked! Come on, we've all seen Sharon Stone's breasts before. But not Sheryl Crow's. [Both links NSFW]
· Now starring: every actor in Hollywood as...Woody Allen!
· The NYT's Sharon Waxman digs through Tim Burton's Totally Unauthorized Garage Sale and finds...well, mostly the kind of crap you'd find at a garage sale. Predictably, some of the crap is starting to surface on eBay.
· Today's scary thought: Musclebound versions of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx will soon be unleashed on Miami's unsuspecting nightclubs. We suggest all clubbing women in the area start carrying tasers. [third item]