The former Speaker of the House says health care reform will ruin Obama much like passing civil rights laws "shattered" Lyndon Johnson and the Democratic Party in the 60's. Wow. Update: Newt says quotes used out of context.

Roger Ailes, corpulent prick and president of Fox News, has come out of the closet as a liberal who opposes the war in Afghanistan and thinks wearing lapel pins to prove that you care about something is shallow.

According to Nikki Finke, bald TV prick Jeff Zucker is so furious at Conan O'Brien's insolence that he's threatening to "ice" him and enforce the noncompete provisions of his contract, which would keep him off the air until 2013.

If New York Post editor Col Allan is indeed contemplating "retirement" at the ripe old age of 57, as New York's Gabriel Sherman reports, his departure would cap off a decade of colossal editorial and business embarrassments for the paper.

First we thought, "when did we get a job writing headlines for venerable old Roll Call?" but then we were like "oh, there is a sorta sleazy congressman named Dicks. Norman Dicks." Anyways him and Murtha are (mostly) ethical!

Here's MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan behaving like your high-school gym coach this morning when his guest Mark McKinnon tried to talk about something that wasn't marked down on Ratigan's clipboard as an approved topic of conversation.

Look out ladies—Joe Francis is a free man again! The alleged arm-twisting sexual aggressor and loathsome Girls Gone Wild founder copped a guilty plea yesterday, ending his battle with federal prosecutors over tax evasion.

Former Lehman Bros. CEO "Dick" Fuld, the Big Villain of All Financial Villains—what's he up to these days? A Reuters reporter trailed him to his remote Idaho hideaway to find out!

The New York Times wants everyone to know they pitch a spectacular tent. Or their headlines do, as this double entendre about a Chicago architecture project attests. Maybe the Grey Lady is a tranny! [NY Times]

Sometimes Page Six goes crazy and runs items about history, like this week, writing about a book coming out in September revealing Jean-Paul Sartre's real reason for thinking the universe was meaningless. In other news, I <3 the universe. [Page Six]

The Times profiled the writers of HBO's latest foray into originally programming, Hung, today. It stars Thomas Jane as a gym teacher with a huge dick who becomes a gigolo. But how does the infamously stiff (heh) Times write it?

Mayor Mike! What a lovable guy! One minute he's palling around with adorable muppets, the next he's telling a City Hall reporter "you're a disgrace" because the guy asked him a pertinent question about his bullshit rationale for buying a third term.

ABC News' Jake ("The Octogon") Tapper just can't keep all his tough-as-nails, ballsy, hard-hitting questions inside, so he's started interrupting his fellow reporters and posting about it on his blog IN BOLD.

This headline from the Trentonian is about some traffic accident. Just go with it. It was nearly as clever as this item from the Guardian's music blog, screen-grabbed by an alert reader:

The publishing industry is led by experienced professionals with deep knowledge of literary appeal. So if they say Kathy Griffin deserves a $2 million book deal, who are you, the public, to argue?

Jim Bunning, who is a Senator pretty much because he was once a major league pitcher, is the Senate's biggest prick.

We have noted the ridiculously mean-spirited SATC review that curmudgeonly queen Rex Reed wrote for the NY Observer on these pages before. However, we have never printed the offending opening graf here on these pages, but seeing as how SJP had her beauty-mark lasered off sometime in the last few weeks (it wasn't just makeup, after all), it seems that the time is right:

We give Ben Karlin shit because we've heard he's pretty much a dick, what with his idea-stealing from neighbors and all. Anecdotal evidence from anonymous commenters supports this. ("[H]e chooses to repeatedly compromise that talent by going out of his way to undermine those who work with him," you say. Ok!) Then he curated that terrible-sounding book about getting dumped. But he also used to write for Space Ghost! The New York Press would like you to know about the other side of Ben Karlin. They'd like you to maybe give him a second chance. The way they go about it is all wrong, though: did you know Ben Karlin is also an alternadad?

Finally, someone explains why the Lower East Side American Apparel shows a DVD of topless Jewesses in its window. "'Provocative ads are a tried-and-true strategy for fashion companies,' said Ron Berger, chairman of Advertising Week 2007. 'I'm not saying showing nipple is mainstream, but you have to be blind not to see the Calvin Klein ads where the guy is wearing a pair of briefs and his penis looks like it is 14 inches long.'" [AMNY]

Would-be mogul and Vanity Fair media columnist Michael Wolff is finally going to get on this internet thing, but right-side up this time! Could it be? He thought blogs would be long gone by now. And his talks with "gay megagorilla" Barry Diller and Barry's guy Michael Jackson fell through. But he's forging ahead! Welcome to the beta of his website... Newser! It's Matt Drudge without the fun and the brilliant curation! It's Sploid without the monkeys and paranoia! It's TMZ but completely devoid of celebrities and urgency and puns. It's Yahoo! News without the exclamation point. It's the dullest thing I've seen all day, and I've been staring into a jar of pennies for the last half hour.