Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.

You, the American soda consumer, should be aware that your precious swill contains a chemical called 4-MeI, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving humans cancer. How many of you will get a deadly disease as a direct result of this chemical? Consumer Reports kindly figured out the answer.

If you are the hopeful, "never say die" sort of person who consumes artificial sweeteners in your diet in order to lower your sugar intake, allow me to inform you that you may have been accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, all this time. Burn.

Good morning! Rob Ford got a ticket for jaywalking last night.

What's not to like about diet soda? Same brown, sludge-like color of regular soda, plus a sickly sweet aftertaste of sugar mixed with burnt plastic—all without any calories. Alas, it seems that Americans are tiring of diet soda. Is everything different now, beverage-wise?

Today we bring you the story of the world's glammest lady: a 30-something Monégasque who drank nothing but soda every day for 16 years.

Diet Coke's unseated Pepsi and is now America's second most popular soda, behind its fat daddy Coca-Cola. Looks like Coke officially wins the Cola Wars. Remember, America: Just because you're drinking diet soda doesn't mean you're not a fat fuck.

Three tobacco companies are suing the city over these overly graphic posters that cigarette retailers are now forced to display. We hate to agree with Big Tobacco, but we don't wanna see open heart surgery while buying our Diet Coke.

So: Bret Easton Ellis is on the cover of expensive Amsterdam-based magazine Fantastic Man, drinking a Diet Coke. In it, he calls the soul-sucking experience that is The Hills "the greatest show that I have ever seen in my life."

Christina Ricci had a make to a quick pit stop to pick up a six-pack of the life force that keeps Hollywood running, Diet Coke. Ricci wasn't sure if she was running low at her house, but the svelte Speed Racer star's sixth sense kicked in. Ricci said, "I was just driving back from the gym and I just felt this need to stop at the first place I saw and get a six pack of Diet Coke. I was feeling really tense and anxious and then I put that six pack in my hands. It just went away. As if the entire weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders." Upon leaving the store, Ricci gently placed the six-pack in the front seat and strapped it with a seat belt.

The personal essay is just like people: full of too much information, inherently dull, and a staple fascination of weekend media. The men and women of American letters just really love to get personal on their days off. We reward those who go too far.